Tips for a Good Relationship

Angelism: “Always remember LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If that feeling is not there the majority of the time, move on. If you do feel the love, buckle up and enjoy the ride!”

 
In a few weeks I will be celebrating my 17th anniversary. Not all 17 years have been a walk in the park but they have not been awful either. Many relationships thrive on the bad. I am proud to say that mine excels because of the good. We are not married, and that is our choice. We have lived together 16+ years, we don’t have children, and we still enjoy dating like we did in the beginning. He is 38, I’m 40, and after 17 years of love, we are look forward to our future together. In case any of you are interested in what has worked for us, here are some of my personal tips for a successful relationship.
1) Communicate, communicate, communicate. We were not always good at this and at the 7 year mark we were not doing this successfully. With some professional guidance, our love kept us together and we were able to learn how to get back on the same page and communicate. Without quality, honest communication, your relationship is doomed. With good communication you learn about individual needs and then you can come together to meet those needs. Only when you know what each other wants can you decide if you are a good match.
2) Sex, sex, and more sex. An intimate relationship is key to keeping it interesting. You have to desire your partner. They need to feel like they are the only one for you. You have to kiss, hug, pinch, leave love notes, plan for some wild nights out and enjoy one another in an intimate way. You don’t have to swing from the ceiling, dress in bondage, and do uncomfortable freaky things to get your partner’s attention; but you have to want them. If you don’t someone else will.
3) Play, play, play! Go on dates. Make time to laugh. Be in a good mood more often than a bad one. Find time to have fun. Take vacations or a quick one night getaway. Schedule a babysitter and plan a date. Take a stroll through the park and chase each other. Play a board game and whoever loses has to do whatever the winner wants. There are so many easy ways to be playful with your partner. Having a fun attitude about life will keep things light and exciting.
4) Love, love, love. Never fall out of love. Get mad, have your moments, and take time to breathe through them. Don’t let your mind take over what your heart wants. Your mind will always make a bigger deal out of something than it is. Your heart will do what’s right, if you listen to it. When your mind thinks the love is not strong enough and your relationship is not worth it, take time. Most often you are in love and you don’t want to leave but you are having a rough moment. If you know in your heart your love is good, don’t give up on it.
5) Grow, grow, grow. Grow together always. Life will change, family will interfere, and illness and financial stresses will consume you. Make a commitment to the relationship to grow through the ups and downs together. Change is inevitable. Embrace it and come together when faced with change rather than falling apart. Couple-hood means negotiating so that you can compromise and grow together.
6) Support, support, support. Give support and you will get it in return. Not every decision will be agreed upon. Support your partner when a change needs to happen. If it’s going back to school, quitting a job, moving to a new town, losing weight, or even changing one’s appearance, support one another. You must be your mates #1 fan.
7) Freedom, freedom, freedom. Give your lover freedom. Not everything needs to be done together. Having time apart will bring you closer together. Putting restrictions on what your mate can and can’t do, is going to scare them away. Plus, trying to control what your partner does, and who they hang out with, only shows how insecure you are which is incredibly unattractive. Freedom from always having to be around to entertain each other helps a relationship mature.
8) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. We all have some kind of expectation. Some are realistic and others are demanding and unnecessary. If you have wants and needs express them, set a boundary and stick to it. For example: “I have dated and lived with you for two years. I want to be married. If we can’t get married by end of next year, I can’t stay in this relationship anymore.” That’s a clear, respectable boundary, that is realistic in its time frame. If your partner can’t step up and give you what you want, you leave. The only way to ever get what you want, is to set a boundary and stick to it. This is how you can be taken seriously.
9) Trust, trust, trust. Giving your partner your trust is a true gift. Have faith that your lover will show up for you. Trust that they have your best interest at heart. Trust that you are the only one for them. Trust that they tell the truth. Give trust and don’t look for reasons or clues to mistrust. If you have to take it to the level of investigating, sneaking around and trying to catch your mate in a lie, then you have no business being with that person. You should never have to check a cell phone, spy on emails, read through bank accounts or follow your mate. Either you trust, or you leave. I have a whole blog on this. Trust is a must! 
10) Listen, listen, listen. I have to admit I am not the best listener. This is something I had to learn the hard way. Since I always feel I have the better plan, something smarter to say, or more knowledge on a topic, I often offer up commentary but don’t always listen to feedback. I have gotten much better at this in the last couple of years. Listening allows you to follow up later on the same topics and be in the know about them. Doing this will make your partner feel important, heard and validated. Say less, and listen more. It really works.
These are my top 10 tips for a great relationship. When you get to a place of incorporating all these tips, the relationship becomes easy. The relationship ends up working for you rather than you working for the relationship. Don’t make love more complicated than it is. My hope for all is that you find the love you always dreamed of. That what you experience in a relationship is joy, happiness, calm and trust; not anxiety, hate, anger and mistrust. It is possible. You decide when you get into a relationship what it will look like and what is acceptable. The power is in your hands.
P.S. Final thought… Life is NOT a fantasy so quit dreaming. Not all relationships are built to last forever. That is the goal but not always the outcome. Enjoy the moment and appreciate what you have today. I don’t know that the love I have today will be here 10 years from now. If it is, great! If it’s not meant to last, then that’s OK too. When you surrender the fairytale fantasy, you take a lot of pressure off your relationship and can enjoy it one day at a time!



The Importance of “I Love You”

Angelism: “To be in love you must be vulnerable… free of baggage, judgment, walls, fears & control.”

 

Love has always been in my life. I receive it from my family, friends, mate, neighbors, clients, pets and even strangers. Love is at the top of my list. I have always felt love and I enjoy sharing my gift of love with those I care about. I hold love near and dear to my heart. I love myself first because I’m a good person and I deserve to care for myself. I love every ounce of who I am, good and bad. The love I have for myself fuels me to give unconditional love to others. Love feels wonderful and is the best thing I can give.
I’ve realized over the years that people go days, months and even years without hearing these three, beautiful words. Many people think that if you throw “I love you” around, it becomes less special. I think anyone who feels that, has spent a lifetime not hearing it in the true, caring, passionate, considerate, and blessed meaning that it holds. Not everyone feels “I love you” is necessary in life. For me it is. When it’s my time to leave this earth, I want to leave knowing that the last three words I said to those in my life that I care for was, “I love you.” It’s meaningful, heartfelt, and lucky for me it’s FREE.
Do you have enough love in your life? If not maybe you are not open to giving or receiving it. As children, if we are not shown what love looks like, it’s hard to accept it and give it back. You may strive for it through trying to get attention, or falling for the wrong kind of love. You may push sincere love away because of fear. Love feels scary and sometimes too good to be true. Take out the self sabotaging thoughts and allow your heart to open, be vulnerable, and full of love. Give love to others and it comes back with more warmth than you could ever imagine. Give love unconditionally and share love with many types of people, not just your parents or your lover. Love is the greatest gift we can give. I want to say, “Thank you, to all who love me. Your love is appreciated and I love you too!”

Trust is a Must

Angelism:“Trust is a must, without it you have nothing.”

 
Trust is a must! This Angelism hits home for many women. Often I get questions that concern the issue of trust. For me, trust is a non-negotiable. In a relationship there is no room for questioning one another. If you can’t sleep at night because you are questioning the honesty of your companion then I think you should reconsider the relationship. Little white lies that add up to nothing are not what I’m talking about. A trust issue is when you are wondering “Where is my mate? Who is he/she with? Why won’t he pick up the phone?” When you start asking these questions and you begin doing things like Internet investigating, cell phone snooping, Instagram/ Twitter/ Facebook stalking, and pocket checking – then you have a problem.

 

Now I don’t think women should get all crazy and mistrust for no reason. Making a big deal out of little white lies is a waste of time. The big stuff however: cheating, Internet chatting, porn addictions, gambling, alcohol, staying out late, not communicating, and being disrespectful, is not OK. I know some women have had success going back with their companion after infidelity and kudos to them because I don’t know how they did it. For me, I could not sleep at night if I knew my lover broke our bond. My pride is too high to allow for me to be treated in a way that is so damaging to trust. I can’t say I won’t change this point of view someday but I can say that so far in life once you give up on me, I give up on you. Show me your true colors and I will pass on healing that relationship. I don’t give up easily. I’m flexible with learning, growing and forgiving. Real trust shows up in the hard times. Getting along is easy, it’s when things get rocky that trust needs to be maintained to pull relationships through.
I guess what I am saying here is that trust needs to be at the top of your priority list. You should be able to sleep at night, free of drama and fear of heartbreak. Live knowing that those you surround yourself with love you, have your back and trust that you have theirs. Give trust and you will receive it. If someone proves to you they can’t be trusted, let go and move on. It’s OK for relationships not to work out or to have an end. For every end there is a beginning. Put your energy into those that offer the very beautiful gift of trust and your life will feel safe and joyful.

Who Are You & What Do You Want?

Angelism: “All you can be is be who you are and know that is enough.”

 
 
Today I raise this question, “Who are you and what do you want?” Remove all the expectations others have of you and answer this for yourself. If you can answer with confidence then you will be successful no matter what craziness gets thrown your way. Many women go decades without ever considering their wants. Some women settle in their life and do not reassess the situation. You change and grow all the time. You learn everyday. If you are not changing, then you are stuck. Even if you are totally happy in your routine, there is still room to do more to enhance your life. Never limit yourself. Your life will only be happy and interesting if you make it that way.
Life doesn’t greet you with everything planned out, you have to go for it. So I ask you, “Who are you?” Do you have a positive or negative answer? In order to be confident and strong, you should have an answer to this question. The answer should be your truth – not what you want it to be, but what your family and friends would agree that you are. It’s about owning your character and accepting yourself as you are. Through acceptance you find unconditional love for yourself and others. How well do you know you?
My response to this question currently is; I am happy, a good companion, a great friend, a loving and accepting daughter, a hard worker, a planner, a dreamer, organized and clean, hopeful, a woman of faith, a leader, a motivator, forgiving, and an emotionally connected individual with a crazy, outgoing and youthful personality. That is the good of who I am. I also have my negative stuff. I have an ability to tune people out when I think what they are saying is not important. I often am more focused on what I am going to say as a response, rather than listening. I don’t enjoy being domestic and I can’t sit still when I’m at home because my OCD kicks in and I can think of a million other things more productive I should be doing. I struggle with my weight, watch my diet every day, and beat myself up because I set high expectations. I’m passionate about my beliefs and often come across to others as judgemental because of this. I complain when I shouldn’t, I can be a stubborn Taurus, and I get annoyed easily when things don’t go as planned. When I believe in something very strongly you can’t convince me otherwise. When I’m right in my head I’m right and there is no changing it. I own these qualities even though they are not my finest.
This is who I am. The good and bad. I am not perfect but I am confident that I know myself. I learn daily. I’m not my job, my stuff, or my mistakes. I’m not my past or my misfortunes. I am a woman who loves with all my heart, has fun, and enjoys sharing my soul with those around me. I keep no secrets, because secrets create anxiety and drama. Secrets wreck relationships.
Once you define who you are then you must answer; “What do you want?” Think hard about this. If there was every possibility that you could actually achieve what you want, what would it be? For me I want health, love, happiness, quality friendships, independence, wealth, a loving relationship, and time to travel. I want to be my own boss, I want to earn financial freedom and I want to travel the world. I want to write and I want Angelisms.com to be a success. I want to give back to the community and those less fortunate than me. I want to keep learning and I want to live a long healthy life in which to do all this. I want this and I know in my heart I will get it, if not in this moment then someday soon. I have been blessed with health, love, happiness, good friends and a great companion. I have many of my wants and now my focus is financial security. I’m putting independent wealth on my request to the universe.
So again, I ask, “Who are you and what do you want?” Your answer may look shorter than this or it may take up three sheets of paper. Either way, you should be able to sit down with a pen and paper and answer this question thoroughly. For now, this is my answer and in a year, or two, or three, it may change drastically. Know who you are, know what you want, and be open to changing the answer as life moves on and takes twists and turns. Be strong, be happy, be confident and always know your answer to this.

Complaining about Complaining

Angelism: “Complaining out loud is expressing negatively what you don’t want or like. How much better would your life be if you spoke positively & shared what you do want & like? Start today.”

Not long ago I read the book A Complaint Free World and I had a huge wake-up call. I know complaining is common and I’m often a receiver and a sender. I consider myself a happy, upbeat, positive person and I didn’t think complaining was much of an issue for me. I was very wrong and this has been a lesson learned. I know I will never give up complaining 100%. It’s not easy to entertain or have a little obnoxious fun if I don’t go off dramatically on topics every once in a while. The clarity this book brought to me was the awareness of the constant, useless, serves no purpose, out loud complaints I say and hear that are not needed. For example:
“I’m tired” 
“I have a headache” 
“I have too much work” 
“My boss is an idiot” 
“My cats are annoying” 
“This remote doesn’t work” 
“I’m bored” 
“I’m cold” 
“I hate this song” 
“That driver is a maniac” 
“Laundry blows” 
“I don’t want to cook” 
“I feel fat” 
“I can’t think” 
“My day has been awful”
“My hair looks like shit!”
These are just a few of the CRAZY things I caught myself saying. This useless out loud chatter gives off bad vibes. This kind of talk creates negative energy in our space and is verbal communication that serves no good. If any of you have read this book or have seen Will Bowen (author) on Oprah, you know that the goal is to wear a purple bracelet around your wrist and every time you complain you have to switch the bracelet to the other wrist. The first day I swear I had bruises from swapping the bracelet so much. The goal is to go 21 days without complaining. I’m not sure that is a goal I can ever achieve but I will try. I’m very aware of the commentary around me now, so much that I hear random people a good distance away complaining about stuff. Even if you personally can’t make the change, the awareness is a step in the right direction. Now at least I catch myself and apologize to those around me who may have been in earshot of my wasteful words.
I feel this is a book that all people should read. With stopping the endless negative chatter you free up more quiet time than you ever thought possible. In this quiet time you can analyze and replace the bad thoughts with good ones. Stop verbally expressing every “Debbie Downer” thought and unimportant dramatic moment. No need to draw that kind of attention. The goal of this great little book and the bracelets (that are free: http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/), is to have a complaint free world and I think that’s wonderful. This book gets 5 out of 5 stars from me.