80:20 Relationship Rule

Angelism: “Always remember that LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If you are not happy the majority of the time then have the strength & the confidence to move on.”

Many people suffer from dramatic, stressful, overwhelming and dysfunctional relationships. We date, fall in love, move in with, marry, and have children with a partner that over time has more qualities that annoy us than excite us. It happens every day. How realistic is it that you can live with one person for the rest of your life? What are the chances that if you do stay with your mate, “Until death do you part,” that you truly will want to be with them 60 years later? Do women settle because 10, 20, 30+ years into a relationship they believe it would be too difficult to leave and start over? For most, it seems easier to stay and finish out a mediocre life together. Do you stand by your companion after the lies, cheating, resentment and anger takes place? How do you put your emotions into perspective? How do you know if you are genuinely upset or simply letting the little day to day annoyances add up? The best way to discover the answer to these many questions is by using my 80:20 relationship rule.
So you ask, “What is an 80:20 relationship rule?” For me it’s 80% happy and 20% challenging. This grading scale helps me to analyze the quality of my relationship. If I have to live with someone, I have to enjoy more good times than bad. I must feel like the difficulties that we face are manageable because the majority of the time our relationship is strong. Here is my simple guide to get realistic about your relationship. It may seem strange to give your couple-hood a score, however I assure you by checking in often to see where you stand, your overall well-being will benefit.
90:10
If 90% of the time or more, you feel your relationship is smooth sailing, then kudos to you, you have found something solid. I consider this to be the range of EXCELLENCE. This range is ideal. If you spend the majority of your relationship in this zone there is not much that the two of you won’t be able to conquer. This is a bond of happiness, joy, gratitude, friendship and great chemistry. Chances are this couple dates regularly, listens to one another, never goes to bed mad, and is always thinking of their partner in a positive light. Pat yourself on the back if you feel this intense about your relationship, especially after the seven year mark. If you achieved 90:10, fantastic! Keep up the good work.
80:20
If 80% of the time or more you feel that your relationship is solid, then you are in what I consider the GOOD zone. I feel that most happy and healthy relationships spend the majority of their days in this percent range. The sense of security you get from feeling that 80% of the time you are a strong couple, with the same likes, goals and expectations, makes you confident that the 20% of conflicting times will be manageable. Disagreements may take longer to resolve in this range, since frustration is usually due to stubbornness or an unwillingness to see the others point of view. This type of behavior and response to one another is likely what keeps you out of the 90% range. Be proud though, this is a zone where trust is high, infidelity has likely not happened, and chemistry is strong. The 20% of conflict that you face probably comes from day to day annoyances, lack of sleep or sex, raising children, dealing with family or managing financial struggles. In this range I encourage women to never flip out and give up on their partner. This range is safe and will get you through the tough times if you make the effort to patch the bumps in the road as they come up.
70:30
This range I consider the RED FLAG zone. If you are at 70% happy, 30% challenged in your relationship, you have bigger problems that will likely lead to more issues. When you have fallen to a 70:30 you are at risk. Something is off or not being expressed between the two of you. Maybe one or both of you are not communicating. Avoiding one another is a regular thing in this zone, date nights and fun are far and few, and fights break out regularly, often going unresolved. The relationship is no longer a priority and you are letting other things get in the way of your love and happiness. I believe that once you hit 70%, if you can’t pull out of it quickly and resolve the issue then seek a good therapist if you want to continue together. All people want happiness whether they know how to achieve it or not. When in this range couples are at risk for infidelity, lies, lack of communication and opposing opinions. Anger and resentment take over and love is lost as the years pass. If you don’t catch and recover a relationship when it enters this zone, the downward spiral will begin.
Anything under 70%, for me, is not worth saving. Would you give your child, friend or neighbor, advice to settle for only being happy 70% or less of the time? No one would promote that. It is not rewarding and will wreck your heart and soul. You must have faith at all times that you deserve the best. Good relationships are all around us and many of us are currently in one relationship but too blind and jaded to appreciate it. People would rather hold onto the resentments, baggage and victimization, allowing their walls and fears to ruin a potential loving relationship and future with a kind person.***I wrote this blog six years ago but it holds true! People don’t break up or get divorced because they are happy. It is no shock to me that the Brangelina relationship is ending. When people are not happy, they eventually move on. I wish them luck and am placing bets on how long it will be before Jenn Aniston and Brad Pitt are caught hanging out together again.

 


Don’t Sleep w/ People You Don’t Know!

Angelism: “Sex is just sex. Dating is the process of falling in love. Casual sex before dating will likely lead to no dates just booty calls. Sorry.”
When is the right time to have sex? This question has many women confused. Plenty of you are being taken advantage of by men, settling for whatever is available in the moment, and hoping it will lead to some lasting relationship. I mean it when I say, “Don’t sleep with people you don’t know!” If you are on a first date, there is no way you have a clue who this person is so keep your legs closed and your shirt on. If you make it to a second date, there is still no chance you have any idea what this man’s past looks like or what lies he may be telling you. If you land a third date, he may actually LIKE you so don’t act easy and give it up. You may think you have shown confidence and pride by holding out until the third date, however I think it’s too early to hand out a free ride. You will never convince me that after three dates you know or love a person enough to sleep with them. You can have an idea about someone but if you have sex, it’s essentially with a stranger. 
It’s a rarity that someone truly knows a partner after three months of dating. If you were unaware of this concept before now, take note that getting to know someone requires time. Quit being in such a rush. Do not give up your golden ticket, box, hoo-hoo, beaver, chi-chi, va-jay-jay or whatever you like to call it. Your love is the greatest gift you can give a man and it should not be given out to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Have some self respect and make a man earn your love. Casual sex is great if you can handle it, but many of you can’t and are looking for love and getting nothing but douche bags because you are too busy giving out FREE rides! 
This is very serious topic for me. I do not mean to come off harsh but this one-night stand, heartbreak and low self-esteem cycle women go through needs to end. Sleeping with guy after guy and going nowhere in a relationship can’t be satisfying. Many of you don’t sleep around much but still give it up immediately with the few men you date. What are you thinking? A REAL MAN likes a chase. His only goal is to earn your love. He wants to work for your attention because that is what turns him on. To do this you have to hold out on sex. You have to give him a reason to want to get to know you first. If you give him sex right away, he will either think you are easy and he won’t call you back, or he will only call you back for a booty-call. Neither of these options are going to get you a shiny diamond ring and a wedding date. Next time you are on a date remember this Angelism, “If you don’t know him, don’t sleep with him.” 
I want to clarify that I think casual sex is fine. Many people can meet once and have a sexcapade that they will remember the rest of their life. That’s great! Have one for me while you are at it. This blog is for all the women who are looking for love but making dumb, desperate, single girl mistakes. It’s not to say that people can’t fall in love and marry after sleeping together on a first date. Crazier things have happened. I speak from experience when I say, “Let the man have an opportunity to hunt you down. Make him want you, be curious about you, be into you, like you, listen to you and fall madly in love with you.” After all, this is the best part of a relationship. It’s after the dating sex and the, “I do,” that the real work begins. Enjoy the chase, expect it, and promise me, “You will not sleep with people you don’t know!”

Are you a Doormat?

Angelism: “Respect will be given to those who give respect in return. Love will be shared with those who know how to share love in return. Time will be spent with those who know how to give quality time in return. Relationships are two sided, if both people are not contributing fairly, it’s not worth the time or effort to try to make it work.”

 

“Are you a doormat?” This is a tough question to answer. Many women don’t want to admit that they get walked on as often as a doormat. It saddens me how often women are being taken advantage of. It’s not just by your partner or husband, women across the world are getting walked on by their children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, friends and family. Why is this?
Women have a hard time saying, “NO!” Women want to be everything to everybody. The perfect Mother, the loving daughter, the compassionate friend, the giving spouse, the considerate neighbor, the happy co-worker and the fun family member. This is a lot of hats to wear. There are not enough hours in the day to put on this many faces. To solve this problem women must learn to say, “No.” Start this shift by saying, “No,” more often than saying, “Yes.” People say, “No!” all the time and the world never stops moving forward. Quit feeling guilty or like you will miss out on something and start setting your boundaries so you can enjoy your life.
My biggest concern is for the women being a doormat to men. So often these tired, abused and lonely women write in to me explaining their verbal and physical abuse. Many of you are being played and stomped on daily. You feel like a slave in your own home. You must make it stop! It is your job as a human here on earth, to set a standard of respect for yourself. You are a gift, finding joy in life is an absolute necessity. Set the expectation and teach others to step up and give you what you deserve. If you are doing laundry, cleaning house, running errands, taking care of the kids, cooking meals, buying gifts, making plans, keeping in touch, balancing the budget, managing the schedule, caring for the pets, doing the grocery shopping, running the household maintenance, working towards a career and your man is kicking back on the couch relaxing from a hard days work while bossing you around and eating the meal you cooked, then you need to wake up and make a change. It’s one thing if you have the time and you committed to do these things because you enjoy them, but if it’s expected, I think you should take a look in the mirror because your image might just resemble that of a doormat. Actually a doormat may be in better condition than you.
If you are working this hard I know you are feeling resentful, tired, unappreciated, misunderstood, unloved, disrespected, deprived of attention, lost, confused, forgetful, unhealthy and possibly physically ill. There is no way to feel a sense of happiness and calm when you are burning out your batteries 24/7. You have to slow down and take ownership for putting yourself in this predicament. You have to make the change and decide what you want and what you deserve. Don’t settle.
So why do women let this happen to them? One reason is by nature women are caretakers. We feel like we want to do everything, make life better for those around us, keep the peace and take control so things get done right and our way. I say, “It doesn’t matter how the dishes or laundry gets put away as long as it’s done and I did not have to do it!” The other reason is a lack of self-respect and confidence. Women who were not given attention growing up, had a negative experience with sex, got made fun of, struggled with grades in school or were told throughout life that they were less than, grow up and take all the attention they can get. This is a huge problem because usually it’s negative attention. Hurt, angry, depressed, dysfunctional women are welcoming negative forces in their life because that’s all they know. Happiness in their mind is not an option. They actually expect to get hurt going into every situation even if it won’t turn out that way. They create the negative energy while relationships are going good. Many women fear happiness because being hurt after sharing love and joy with someone will be more painful than getting hurt by a negative situation.
My hope is that after you read this you will think about what kind of a person you are. Are you a doormat to your mate? Are you a doormat to your parents, family or friends? Anyone can take advantage of you. If you leave your door wide open all the time, I promise the takers will walk in by the dozen. Not being able to set boundaries and say, “No,” shows that you are a weak person. It shows your lack of confidence in standing up for what you know is right. It displays your desperate need to be loved and fit in no matter how people treat you. These are not the characteristics a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman wants to put into the universe.
Take a moment to think of those in your life who are the takers. Analyze why you allow them to treat you that way. Plan how you can make a change for the better. With awareness and commitment, you can change the way people treat you. If there are negative forces in your life, separate from them. Keep a safe distance so that they can’t bring you down into their dark cloud if misery. Hold your head high and be your biggest fan everyday. Only then can you give back real, unconditional, feel good love to others.

Tips for a Good Relationship

Angelism: “Always remember LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If that feeling is not there the majority of the time, move on. If you do feel the love, buckle up and enjoy the ride!”

 
In a few weeks I will be celebrating my 17th anniversary. Not all 17 years have been a walk in the park but they have not been awful either. Many relationships thrive on the bad. I am proud to say that mine excels because of the good. We are not married, and that is our choice. We have lived together 16+ years, we don’t have children, and we still enjoy dating like we did in the beginning. He is 38, I’m 40, and after 17 years of love, we are look forward to our future together. In case any of you are interested in what has worked for us, here are some of my personal tips for a successful relationship.
1) Communicate, communicate, communicate. We were not always good at this and at the 7 year mark we were not doing this successfully. With some professional guidance, our love kept us together and we were able to learn how to get back on the same page and communicate. Without quality, honest communication, your relationship is doomed. With good communication you learn about individual needs and then you can come together to meet those needs. Only when you know what each other wants can you decide if you are a good match.
2) Sex, sex, and more sex. An intimate relationship is key to keeping it interesting. You have to desire your partner. They need to feel like they are the only one for you. You have to kiss, hug, pinch, leave love notes, plan for some wild nights out and enjoy one another in an intimate way. You don’t have to swing from the ceiling, dress in bondage, and do uncomfortable freaky things to get your partner’s attention; but you have to want them. If you don’t someone else will.
3) Play, play, play! Go on dates. Make time to laugh. Be in a good mood more often than a bad one. Find time to have fun. Take vacations or a quick one night getaway. Schedule a babysitter and plan a date. Take a stroll through the park and chase each other. Play a board game and whoever loses has to do whatever the winner wants. There are so many easy ways to be playful with your partner. Having a fun attitude about life will keep things light and exciting.
4) Love, love, love. Never fall out of love. Get mad, have your moments, and take time to breathe through them. Don’t let your mind take over what your heart wants. Your mind will always make a bigger deal out of something than it is. Your heart will do what’s right, if you listen to it. When your mind thinks the love is not strong enough and your relationship is not worth it, take time. Most often you are in love and you don’t want to leave but you are having a rough moment. If you know in your heart your love is good, don’t give up on it.
5) Grow, grow, grow. Grow together always. Life will change, family will interfere, and illness and financial stresses will consume you. Make a commitment to the relationship to grow through the ups and downs together. Change is inevitable. Embrace it and come together when faced with change rather than falling apart. Couple-hood means negotiating so that you can compromise and grow together.
6) Support, support, support. Give support and you will get it in return. Not every decision will be agreed upon. Support your partner when a change needs to happen. If it’s going back to school, quitting a job, moving to a new town, losing weight, or even changing one’s appearance, support one another. You must be your mates #1 fan.
7) Freedom, freedom, freedom. Give your lover freedom. Not everything needs to be done together. Having time apart will bring you closer together. Putting restrictions on what your mate can and can’t do, is going to scare them away. Plus, trying to control what your partner does, and who they hang out with, only shows how insecure you are which is incredibly unattractive. Freedom from always having to be around to entertain each other helps a relationship mature.
8) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. We all have some kind of expectation. Some are realistic and others are demanding and unnecessary. If you have wants and needs express them, set a boundary and stick to it. For example: “I have dated and lived with you for two years. I want to be married. If we can’t get married by end of next year, I can’t stay in this relationship anymore.” That’s a clear, respectable boundary, that is realistic in its time frame. If your partner can’t step up and give you what you want, you leave. The only way to ever get what you want, is to set a boundary and stick to it. This is how you can be taken seriously.
9) Trust, trust, trust. Giving your partner your trust is a true gift. Have faith that your lover will show up for you. Trust that they have your best interest at heart. Trust that you are the only one for them. Trust that they tell the truth. Give trust and don’t look for reasons or clues to mistrust. If you have to take it to the level of investigating, sneaking around and trying to catch your mate in a lie, then you have no business being with that person. You should never have to check a cell phone, spy on emails, read through bank accounts or follow your mate. Either you trust, or you leave. I have a whole blog on this. Trust is a must! 
10) Listen, listen, listen. I have to admit I am not the best listener. This is something I had to learn the hard way. Since I always feel I have the better plan, something smarter to say, or more knowledge on a topic, I often offer up commentary but don’t always listen to feedback. I have gotten much better at this in the last couple of years. Listening allows you to follow up later on the same topics and be in the know about them. Doing this will make your partner feel important, heard and validated. Say less, and listen more. It really works.
These are my top 10 tips for a great relationship. When you get to a place of incorporating all these tips, the relationship becomes easy. The relationship ends up working for you rather than you working for the relationship. Don’t make love more complicated than it is. My hope for all is that you find the love you always dreamed of. That what you experience in a relationship is joy, happiness, calm and trust; not anxiety, hate, anger and mistrust. It is possible. You decide when you get into a relationship what it will look like and what is acceptable. The power is in your hands.
P.S. Final thought… Life is NOT a fantasy so quit dreaming. Not all relationships are built to last forever. That is the goal but not always the outcome. Enjoy the moment and appreciate what you have today. I don’t know that the love I have today will be here 10 years from now. If it is, great! If it’s not meant to last, then that’s OK too. When you surrender the fairytale fantasy, you take a lot of pressure off your relationship and can enjoy it one day at a time!



The Importance of “I Love You”

Angelism: “To be in love you must be vulnerable… free of baggage, judgment, walls, fears & control.”

 

Love has always been in my life. I receive it from my family, friends, mate, neighbors, clients, pets and even strangers. Love is at the top of my list. I have always felt love and I enjoy sharing my gift of love with those I care about. I hold love near and dear to my heart. I love myself first because I’m a good person and I deserve to care for myself. I love every ounce of who I am, good and bad. The love I have for myself fuels me to give unconditional love to others. Love feels wonderful and is the best thing I can give.
I’ve realized over the years that people go days, months and even years without hearing these three, beautiful words. Many people think that if you throw “I love you” around, it becomes less special. I think anyone who feels that, has spent a lifetime not hearing it in the true, caring, passionate, considerate, and blessed meaning that it holds. Not everyone feels “I love you” is necessary in life. For me it is. When it’s my time to leave this earth, I want to leave knowing that the last three words I said to those in my life that I care for was, “I love you.” It’s meaningful, heartfelt, and lucky for me it’s FREE.
Do you have enough love in your life? If not maybe you are not open to giving or receiving it. As children, if we are not shown what love looks like, it’s hard to accept it and give it back. You may strive for it through trying to get attention, or falling for the wrong kind of love. You may push sincere love away because of fear. Love feels scary and sometimes too good to be true. Take out the self sabotaging thoughts and allow your heart to open, be vulnerable, and full of love. Give love to others and it comes back with more warmth than you could ever imagine. Give love unconditionally and share love with many types of people, not just your parents or your lover. Love is the greatest gift we can give. I want to say, “Thank you, to all who love me. Your love is appreciated and I love you too!”

Trust is a Must

Angelism:“Trust is a must, without it you have nothing.”

 
Trust is a must! This Angelism hits home for many women. Often I get questions that concern the issue of trust. For me, trust is a non-negotiable. In a relationship there is no room for questioning one another. If you can’t sleep at night because you are questioning the honesty of your companion then I think you should reconsider the relationship. Little white lies that add up to nothing are not what I’m talking about. A trust issue is when you are wondering “Where is my mate? Who is he/she with? Why won’t he pick up the phone?” When you start asking these questions and you begin doing things like Internet investigating, cell phone snooping, Instagram/ Twitter/ Facebook stalking, and pocket checking – then you have a problem.

 

Now I don’t think women should get all crazy and mistrust for no reason. Making a big deal out of little white lies is a waste of time. The big stuff however: cheating, Internet chatting, porn addictions, gambling, alcohol, staying out late, not communicating, and being disrespectful, is not OK. I know some women have had success going back with their companion after infidelity and kudos to them because I don’t know how they did it. For me, I could not sleep at night if I knew my lover broke our bond. My pride is too high to allow for me to be treated in a way that is so damaging to trust. I can’t say I won’t change this point of view someday but I can say that so far in life once you give up on me, I give up on you. Show me your true colors and I will pass on healing that relationship. I don’t give up easily. I’m flexible with learning, growing and forgiving. Real trust shows up in the hard times. Getting along is easy, it’s when things get rocky that trust needs to be maintained to pull relationships through.
I guess what I am saying here is that trust needs to be at the top of your priority list. You should be able to sleep at night, free of drama and fear of heartbreak. Live knowing that those you surround yourself with love you, have your back and trust that you have theirs. Give trust and you will receive it. If someone proves to you they can’t be trusted, let go and move on. It’s OK for relationships not to work out or to have an end. For every end there is a beginning. Put your energy into those that offer the very beautiful gift of trust and your life will feel safe and joyful.