Angelism: “For some people normal is not really normal. Act appropriate or get out of my face!”
Ever wonder if people really were raised in a barn? I know I’m guilty of doing dumb, ridiculous crazy stuff occasionally but come on people. Some things are just a given and here is a list of a few rules I believe people should follow. I have some for the ladies, some for the men, and a couple for both sexes. You will be laughing if you agree. However, if you are guilty of these things don’t take it personally. I have a sharp lip and that will never change.
For the Ladies…
1) If you are over the age of 49 don’t wear pants with writing on the rear. Juicy Couture is not so juicy on your old lady behind I don’t care how great you look for your age.
2) Do not wear white pants if you have cellulite – dimples always show through.
3) If your hair has feathers you are living in the wrong decade and you look hideous. Cut it!
4) Wait to have plastic surgery. The 20-30 somethings having plastic surgery look like freaky, possessed, wax museum figures and it’s a dead give away of your insecurities.
5) Wear a bra. I don’t care if you only have raisins for boobs, keep your nipples to yourself.
6) Never call a guy first, ask him for a date first or kiss him first. Quit being desperate and let him do the work. It’s the only time he will put forth this kind of effort, trust me on this one.
7) If you don’t shave your armpits, do not wear a tank top. If you don’t shave your legs please wear pants. Thank you.
8) Quit with the lip liner. A dark line of lipstick tracing your lips with a pastel in the middle is out of style and you look like a clown.9) Stop with the crazy big eyebrows all penciled on or the bright much too long fake fingernails. You look ridiculous.
For the Men….
1) Stop scratching your balls in public – it’s gross.
2) Stop picking your nose and flicking your boogers – this is gross too!
3) Stop talking like a pervert. That hot 20 year old chick you’re drooling over would not do you if you paid her so keep dreaming.
4) Stop being lazy and do something; preferably something that doesn’t make a mess.
5) Stop hogging the remote control and read a book. Use your brain for once.
6) Stop trying to save your receding hairline. You look old regardless but with a comb-over you look old and stupid. Shave it.
7) Stop farting on people, shaking hands is a much better way of saying hello.8) Stop being a DICK! I know it makes you feel cool in the moment but not need to try and win, be the best at, and have done everything in life. Shut your trap, we know you are full of shit!
Basically, for the guys, the best rule is to simply stop acting like a kid and act like a man and maybe, just maybe, women won’t complain as much.
To Both Sexes
1) If you are large enough that you spill over the seat on a plane or in a theater, please buy another seat. I know this is a sensitive topic for many but don’t make me suffer because you can’t say, “No!” to junk food. I diet, workout and am aware of my weight every day. Your weight should not be a discomfort to me.
2) Don’t fart in a car without warning everyone in it first. Open the window while you are at it please.
3) Turn the lights off when you leave a room and the water off when you brush your teeth. Basic, environmentally friendly rules should always apply.
4) Don’t wear clothes that are too tight. If you have to lay on a bed to zip your pants or lift a roll to put something on then don’t wear it.
5) If you wear Crocs and you are not gardening I feel sorry for you and everyone who has to be seen with you.
6) Use your blinker, it’s there for a reason.7) Look up when you are walking or talking! Stare at your cell phone some other time.
8) Trim, trim, trim your body. Trimming is not just for trees. Most people are not interested in being naked with animals.