Angelism: “Stop always looking forward to a day that has not yet arrived when you can be enjoying the moment that you are in with the people that you are with.”
I am guilty of countdowns and planning so far into the future that much of my day-to-day focus goes towards the time I’m not sure I will be gifted. So often on social media sites, I see people posting things like; Is it Friday yet? When will it be Fall? Only 100 days until Christmas! I can’t wait for my wedding! And my favorite one is T-20 days until my vacation. But what if that future day we keep yearning for never comes? On Monday of last week, I wished it was Friday, I wanted nothing more than to be off work and to start our three-day Labor Day weekend. I wished it was Friday until Friday arrived and I was woken up by a phone call saying my mother-in-law had passed away in her sleep. At that moment I wished nothing more than to be able to reverse time, and for it to be any other moment prior to the one I was in.
The heartache and clarity that hits you at the time of a loss is overwhelming. I began to process what matters most and face emotions that I do not feel day-to-day. The presence and miracle of time became heightened and I thought; How do I want to use each day I am granted? How should I really spend my hours? What’s truly worth worrying about? I have lost many people in my lifetime; a grandmother, a grandfather, a few aunts and an uncle, a friend, and a co-worker. Losing a loved one is always painful. This time around it was harder than ever before. I had a mother-in-law that girls dream of having and now she’s gone forever. Her two sons, only in their mid-30’s, are much too young to be saying goodbye to their mom, and her grandkids, are now deprived of their grandmother’s endless love. At age 61, she earned her well-deserved Angel wings. It happened that fast. On that Friday, the one I looked forward to for fun and playtime with friends, now feels like a heavy weight on my heart, a weight that may never truly lift.
So I question; How wise it is to get excited about an unknown future date that may not be available to me in the way I expect it to be? How selfish is it to want more in the future rather than enjoying what I have right now? Every time I race through a season to get to summer vacation or count the days down until a holiday or special event, I am focused on moments I have not been gifted that bring me one step closer to my expiration date. I find it sad that I would ever spend time being excited about losing precious days of my life just to get to the ones in the future that seem like they will be more important.
I certainly don’t want to live in the past because we can’t change that which has already happened, but now more than ever, I simply want to exist at this moment. Naturally, I will still be excited about the future, it is always wonderful to look forward to days that you anticipate will be joyful and memorable. However, my new focus is to be less concerned about my tomorrows, and more present today. My goal is to be present at this moment, with this breath, honoring this memory.
RIP Brenda, after 15 years of wanting us all together at the same time you got it! XO