Angelism: “Why women try to change men I will never understand. Embrace their weirdness & individuality, for the most part it is entertaining!”
My girlfriend’s and I often bitch about all the things, big and small, that irritate us about living with a man. Whether you are married, living together, or dating and he is over all the time, there are things that get on your nerves 24/7. Here is a little list I have compiled of why living with a man can be annoying most days of the week. All we can do is laugh about it!
1) Men leave shit everywhere. Clothes, shoes, pens, papers, food wrappers, socks, condoms, money, towels, underwear, cups, plates, beer cans, hats, keys, phones, magazines, mail, video games, and anything they can get their hands on. This list can go on forever.
2) Men smell like salty balls most of the time. If you can catch your man fresh out of a shower you are lucky, have sex immediately. Other than that they stink like ass shortly thereafter.
3) Men have their best sex life with the remote control. If only men put the same amount of effort into fondling their lady as they do that damn remote every woman on the planet would orgasm.
4) Men sweat like pigs when they sleep and breath and snore all over you.
5) Men grab, scratch, tug and fondle their balls no matter where they are or what they are doing. A man sprawled out on the couch with his hand in his pants repositioning his junk is a daily ritual.
6) Men pick their nose, face, ears, feet, and anything else they can pick, all the time. Boys become men who act like boys never sit still. They are always picking at or investigating something and touching buttons they should not.
7) Men make a mess in the kitchen unlike anything I have ever seen before. My man can make a grilled cheese and Top Ramen and you would think he cooked a feast for 10.
8) Men can sleep in the same sheets for a month and never think to change them. They would not wear the same underwear for a month yet they look at you like you are crazy when you want to change the sheets weekly because they sweat, fart, lay naked, and have sex regularly on them.
9) Men fart on you non-stop. In the bedroom, living room, bathroom, car and even in public. When they bomb you, they laugh like a nine year old boy who got away with something bad. They outright fart on you, literally on you!
10) Men like to dance around naked. Hell they like to do everything naked. When men are naked, their focus is their penis. They like to hide their penis so it looks like they have a vagina, bounce it around while they dance, flop their balls over it and give you the bat wings, swing it in circles like a propeller, tea bag you, push their balls in the back below their ass and show you the goat, or my personal favorite; give their penis a boner and ask you to take care of it. I tell ya, I have been in my relationship for almost 13 years and I have seen some crazy shit that can be done with a penis.
11) Men watch way too much TV, drink way too much beer, eat way too much junk, whine way too much when they have to do anything around the house, and are the most horrible patients when they are sick or hungover. WTF?
12) Men and laundry don’t mix. Men and cleaning don’t mix. Men and organizing don’t mix. Men and grocery shopping don’t mix. Men and Oprah don’t mix. Men and chic flicks don’t mix. MEN AND CHANGE DO NOT MIX! Honestly, not sure how men and women mix? I must really, really love my man.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things that men do right. This list however was for fun and to point out all the things Mom did not tell us women about what our future would look like living with a man. Not all men are created equal. Some only have a few of these wonderful qualities mentioned above. Moms out there, if you have young daughters, teach them this stuff before they leave home. What a pleasure it was for me to learn a guys lifestyle after I left the house. The good news is, all of us women are in the same boat, we are all faced with the challenge of finding new ways to enjoy the small tortures of living with the opposite sex.
To my love muffin of 13 years: “I love you honey! You are still my favorite gross guy!”