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Mental Health Awareness Month Matters

My first everything without M🖤M
Angelism: Sometimes it’s the people closest to you, the ones you love the most, who do the heartbreaking unthinkable and you question did I know you at all?
The month of May means so much to me. Not only is it May Gray Brain Tumor Awareness Month (I am a survivor), but it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, which is a field of medicine I work in. This month I decided to open up about the loss of my mother and share it with my patient population as well as all who care to read. I hope that sharing this will help someone in need, but for now, grab a tissue before you read! 😢 

The bond between a mother and daughter is woven with threads of love, understanding, and unwavering support throughout life. It’s a bond that transcends words, a silent understanding that speaks volumes in the quiet moments shared. Spiritually, it is the unspoken “I love you” that is felt no matter how far apart. Through laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, a mother and daughter navigate life’s journey together. In the beginning, holding on tight in one another’s arms, in the grade school years hanging on hand in hand, as young adults connecting more like sisters, and, as we grow into mature adults, we build a friendship and have an unwavering family commitment to one another. The connection may be challenged at some points, but the bond is unbreakable and endures all the seasons of life. 

This Mother’s Day was a first for me and was challenging to find the light in. For those who do not know, I lost my mother suddenly last year. Losing a loved one is never easy, but losing a mother to suicide in my late 40s is a pain that cuts deep, truly to the very core of my existence. It’s a loss that has left a void that seems impossible to fill, a wound that may never heal. In the aftermath of such a tragedy, my emotions swirled like a storm, ranging from profound sadness and disbelief to anger and guilt. Questions of “why?” and “how?” bombard my mind endlessly, each one more agonizing than the last. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! After all, I work in mental health, and we often talked about my mom’s anxiety and depression struggles. But how did I NOT KNOW my 68-year-old mother was suicidal? What could I have done differently? How am I now part of this life-changing statistic?

There are no words, only heartbreak. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, so much so that the word overwhelming is not even big enough to express. The variety of intense feelings felt like my head and heart were drowning with no hope for relief. I share this with you today because I know our community gets it. I truly believe I had the safest place to fall. Working in the mental health field for the last 7+ years was meant to be. I can’t imagine how I would have even made it through this time in life without my compassionate team, this life-saving medicine, and all my dear loved ones who wrapped their arms around me, refused to let go, and cried through the pain with me.  In my giant and heavy sea of darkness, there is a glimmer of hope—a flicker of light that presents itself and reminds me of the love and memories I shared with my beautiful mother. I know she would want me to keep on crushing life. She would 100% be saying “You go girl, you can do anything!” It’s in these moments of remembrance and hearing her voice in my head that I find solace.  

Speaking of solace, there is an amazing peer-to-peer group named Solace, based here in LA, that offers weekly virtual suicide survivor support. It has been a huge help. I truly believe in taking the time to heal no matter what life throws you. I took 4 months off, did weekly therapy and EMDR work, endlessly played the music that Mom and I adored, combed through decades of photos capturing our good times, and even made some custom jewelry out of her sparkly collection to honor her life. Probably the most healing of all my efforts was being vulnerable with my amazing team here at KCLA and getting some ketamine infusions. I don’t think I could have made it through any of these dark days without immediately facing ALL the pain. There are no shortcuts and no time limits on the road to healing. My new motto is “The only way through the pain is through the pain!” 

Given it is Mental Health Awareness Month, I felt it necessary to share my story. It’s essential to remember that healing is not a linear process. It’s okay to not be okay, to lean on others for support, and to seek professional help when needed. While the pain of losing a mother to suicide may never fully dissipate, with time, love, and support, I am confident I will feel a sense of peace and acceptance, honoring her memory always as I navigate the journey of grief with all of us who miss her dearly.  

Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day Mom! You are with me always.   

❤Angel
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The Importance of I Love You!

love
share love
Angelism: To be in love you must be vulnerable, free of baggage, judgment, walls, fears & control.

Love has always been in my life. I receive it from my family, friends, mates, neighbors, clients, pets, and even strangers. Love is at the top of my list. I have always felt love and I enjoy sharing my gift of love with those I care about. I hold love near and dear to my heart. I love myself first because I’m a good person who deserves to be a priority. I love every ounce of who I am, good and bad. I refuse to let anyone take a loving heart away from me.

The love I have for myself fuels me to give unconditional love to others. Love feels wonderful and is the best thing I can give. I’ve realized over the years that people go days, months, and even years without hearing the three most beautiful words of I LOVE YOU. Many people think that if you throw “I love you” around, it becomes less special. I think anyone who feels that, has spent a lifetime not hearing it in the true, caring, passionate, considerate, and blessed meaning that it holds. Not everyone feels “I love you” is necessary in life. For me it is. When it’s my time to leave this earth, I want to leave knowing that the last three words I said to those in my life that I care for was, “I love you.” It’s meaningful, heartfelt, and lucky for me it’s FREE.  

Do you have enough love in your life? If not maybe you are not prioritizing it or you are not open to giving and receiving it. As children, if we are not shown what love looks like, it’s hard to accept it and give it back. You may strive for it by trying to get attention or falling for the wrong kind of love. You may push sincere love away because of fear it’s too intense. Love feels scary and sometimes appears too good to be true. Take out the self-sabotaging thoughts and allow your heart to open, be vulnerable, and be full of love. Give love to others and it comes back to you with more warmth than you could ever imagine. Give love unconditionally and share love with many types of people, not just your parents or your lover. Love is the greatest gift we can give and our world needs much more of it.  

I want to say, “Thank you, to all who love me. Your love is appreciated and I love you too!”

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Trust is a Must

Angelism: Trust is a must, without it you have nothing.

 
Trust is a must! This Angelism hits home for many of us. For me, trust is a non-negotiable. In a relationship, there is no room for questioning one another. If you can’t sleep at night because you are questioning the honesty of your companion then I think you should reconsider the relationship. Little fibs here and there that add up to nothing are not what I’m talking about. A trust issue is when you are wondering “Where is my mate? Who currently has his/her time and attention? Why can’t he/she pick up the phone?” When you start asking these questions and you begin doing things like Internet investigating, cell phone snooping, Instagram/ Twitter/ Facebook stalking, and pocket checking – then you have a problem.
 
Now we must not get all crazy and mistrust our loved ones for no reason. Making a big deal out of little fibs is a waste of time. The big stuff though like: cheating, Internet chatting, porn addictions, gambling, alcohol, staying out late, happy-ending massages, not communicating, and being disrespectful, is not OK. I know some people who have had success going back with their companion after infidelity and kudos to them because I don’t know how they did it. For me, I could not sleep at night if I knew my lover had broken our bond. My pride is too high to allow me to be treated in a way that is so damaging to my trust. I can’t say I won’t change this point of view someday but I can say that so far in life once you give up on me, I give up on you. Show me your true colors and I will pass on healing that relationship. I don’t give up easily. I’m flexible with learning, growing, and forgiving. Real trust shows up in the hard times. Getting along is easy, it’s when things get rocky that trust needs to be maintained to pull relationships through.
 
My point here is that trust needs to be at the top of your priority list. You should be able to sleep at night, free of drama and fear of heartbreak. Live each day knowing that those you surround yourself with are loving and honorable people, that they have your back, and they trust that in turn, you have theirs. Give trust and you will receive it. If someone proves to you they can’t be trusted, let it go and move on. It’s OK for relationships not to work out or to have an end. For every end, there is a new beginning. Put your energy into those people that offer the very beautiful gift of trust and I’m confident your life will feel safe and joyful.
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Never Waste Summertime!

Beachside
Time to relax

Angelism: Never waste summertime! Bask in the longer days, warm and relaxing nights, adventurous vacations, and fun in the sun. Summer is meant for making memories, creating special moments, and most importantly taking time for yourself.

Summer is a wonderful season for adventure and fun. My passion and excitement for the summertime began early on. The idea of being off for almost three months at a time during my school years was always something to look forward to. As a kid, my family did not vacation much, but the pool days, theme park adventures, sleepovers with friends, and our family BBQs were all memorable moments. As I got older, in my late teens and early 20’s I developed a genuine desire to see and do more in this great big world. I moved to Los Angeles, where I have now happily lived for almost 20 years, and I did this knowing I would always feel like I am on vacation. Additional travel outside of life here in LA is truly a bonus.

There is something to be said for going to new places and experiencing life there. The people, culture, food, environment, and general laws and regulations vary significantly from state to country. Opening my eyes to these new ways of life, I quickly learned that mindset and social responsibility values are heavily influenced by the environments in which we live. What you choose to believe and make of the world around you is largely dependent on what your day-to-day experiences offer you. Because of my openness to immerse myself in these new communities, I feel like I have become a more accepting and personable human.

Despite fear or desire to be alone with your beliefs, I encourage everyone to get out there. Start small if you must. Take a short weekend adventure and grab your meals at a popular local restaurant rather than the hotel you reside in. Consider going to the beach or lake, rather than hanging poolside at your Airbnb, and shop in the local malls and markets to live as they do. Engage with the employees along the way who serve you, and those strangers who sit next to you on the train. Take the opportunity to get to know someone new, and learn how they view life there. Consider a nearby park for an outdoor concert or lunch date, and if you are religious, attend a local mass. You may even make a friend for life along the way or discover your retirement relocation goals. 

Making memories matters…

Wishing you joyful summer vibes, get outside, and have some fun while you still can!

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Fuck U Covid-19

Fuck U Covid-19
Love, Angel

How Are You Managing #covid19life?

If you told me in early February that March 2020 would result in a complete life-style shut down I would have thought you were crazy. Never did I think for a second that a lock-down of life as we know it could even be possible on such a mass level. How easily we are all controlled in our country. We are soldiers ready to line up and do that which we need to do.

I don’t want to sound disrespectful, I understand the importance of staying home, doing our part, and protecting one another. I know that this is an unfamiliar virus that we feel threatened by and taking steps to prevent a spike of cases that we are ill prepared to manage is very important. I will do my part. But a part of doing my part has me pissed off. This is really, really, really going to fuck with so many lives. It already has.

I’m a survivor so at the end of day if I have to live in my car on a new street every day, I can make that happen. I don’t have a mortgage, I’m not raising kids, and I don’t have an elderly family member living in my space that I need to care for. So, although this is confusing and hard, I’m managing fairly well. But we are all on edge. If we have a job today, we are all feeling uncertain it will be available to us tomorrow. We can’t plan for the future because the future is not available to plan for. Things are changing daily, hourly sometimes; and what our leadership says one minute they take back the next minute. Why, why, why has this been so unorganized?

We had months, I repeat months to plan for this. If this was happening overseas, it was happening at the same time in our major cities. To assume we would be untouched by this was naive. Flights in and out of China and Europe, to our major cities of SF, LA, and NY were no doubt all areas of risk the entire time! To wait until mid March to address the urgency of this is really unacceptable. People will die because we didn’t manage this sooner.

Knowing in early January this virus existed and was a deadly concern for elders meant we should have put our 60 and over population on lockdown right away. All large events could have been cancelled immediately as well as all international travel paused. Our country should have been immediately educated on social distancing and advised to have work from home strategies ready for implementation. Steps such as this could have very quickly flattened the curve but sadly none of that happened.

So here we are, totally fucked, with no toilet paper and a handful of Americans not taking it seriously because we actually believed this could not happen to us. Now, whether worth all the effort or not, we have to respect this social responsibility and try. Currently LA’s lockdown has been extended to May 15, 2020. I have no faith they will let us run wild in time for Memorial Day or 4th of July weekend. I predict maybe life will make a comeback tour by mid July or August? I hope I am wrong; only time will tell.

Why I’m So Pissed At Covid-19!

I was looking forward to March 2020 for over a year. I had a 20th Anniversary party planned with friends and family coming from near and far to celebrate. I had a week-long Hawaiian vacation scheduled with some of our dearest friends. I spent the last three months losing weight and getting in good shape to be prepared for our special day. I had booked a DJ, bartender, catering, security, photographer, venue… everything was all lined up. Literally a week or two before the big day covid-19 took a shit on all of our plans. I’m also an April baby so no birthday this year for me. For all these reasons I say, “Fuck You Covid-19!”

The last few weeks have been pretty depressing as I had to cancel all of our plans and fight for refunds which ended up being even more difficult than setting up all the contracts in the first place. I must give one shout out to Budget rental car company. I had a week long non-refundable “paid in full” car reservation and they refunded it in full, no questions asked! United Airlines was less than helpful and Waipouli Beach Resort did not play fair during this time either. They all wanted to keep the money in full and credit us for a future use. Sorry, I could have covid-19 and die next month, so the future is a little uncertain right now! I demanded my money back since non of these services were going to be used. For the first time ever I exercised my right to dispute payments on my credit cards. Good news I won. If you don’t actually receive services you don’t have to pay! Lesson learned.

Hang In There!

At this point, all we can do is hang in there. The covid-19 crisis does not appear to be ending anytime soon. I’ve accepted that we will not vacation anytime soon. I realize that I cannot reschedule our 20th Anniversary party for a future date because who knows when a large gathering will be allowed again. I trust that this will pass but it will suck for a while to come.

We can’t let the fear consume us. We must ask more questions and demand more answers. There is a lot about how this pandemic is being managed that has me concerned. I pray to remain healthy and safe, I pray that everyone I know and love remain unharmed by this, and I wish the best for anyone reading this to be in good health. Larger than this virus will be our collective efforts. Anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts will certainly increase from such a huge universal loss. Our freedoms and comforts were taken from us in a very short amount of time. We must care for one another as best we can at this time.

Hang in there! Read a good book, call someone you love, write in a journal, watch your favorite movie…. keep your body and mind strong and please stay safe!

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Positive Thoughts Can Change Your Life

Angelism: Life can’t LET you down if your positive thoughts ARE THERE TO lift you up!

 

As we enter a new year, many people will struggle with unattainable goals and  unforeseen challenges. About a decade ago, I was asked to write a blog about positive thoughts and how they relate to healing. I was thrilled that this request came my way and was truly happy to write about something I believe strongly in. As we welcome 2020, we should all embrace the fact that our thoughts create and control our reality.

When I was younger, in my teenage years and early twenties, I never thought much about what I said or did. I knew I was happy, I liked having fun, and I felt very fortunate. Through life experiences, friends and family dramas, relationship lows, deaths, and financial constraints, I have confirmed for myself that every situation is as good or bad as I allow it to be in my head. Every experience can be embraced, accepted, and made sense of; but only if I manage it correctly in my mind. I shape the outcome of every experience through my thoughts. My commitment is to maintain the positive thoughts and delete the negative ones.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to be a downer. Many people go day after day complaining about bad drivers, not enough time, mistrust of loved ones, frustration from nagging family and friends, disappointment from increasing prices, and everyone’s favorite a terrible economy. Occasionally, we get slapped in the face with an illness or injury that sets us back and changes who we are, stripping us of the confidence we have worked so hard to achieve. Because of this we  fill our space and energy with something all humans have in common – the desire to complain. Complaining is a given. Stand next to someone in Starbucks, and if you so much as roll your eyes or suggest in any way that it’s taking forever, the person behind you will likely say, “It’s annoying, they are always slow here.”

What would it take to be positive? How hard is it for you?

People across the world are becoming more aware of the gift of a good attitude. The idea that you become your thoughts is proving to be true. With well known books like, The Secret, The Power of Now, The Four Agreements, Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, and A Complaint Free World, we are reassured that positive thoughts result in a good outcome. Simply think about what you want, envision it, and you get it. Controlling your mind to think in a way that is beneficial to you, and being aware of your words so that you no longer speak in a disrespectful way towards yourself can really pay off.

So does positive thinking have the ability to heal us?

Yes. Many doctors agree that ill patients with a positive attitude and a strong will to fight do much better than the patients who respond with negativity and speak of illness as though it is a death sentence. Doctors confirm that the major contributors to maintaining good health and removing disease from the body is a positive, hopeful, and determined outlook from the patient. Words that you speak to yourself become a reality; an ill person who speaks positively towards their body during a crisis, can often reverse the negative situation, creating quality health and healing for their body and mind.

Now, chances are if you were recently diagnosed with breast cancer you are not going to run home and start expressing words of gratitude about your situation. Every major negative experience deserves its moment of fear, depression, and total upset. However, the sooner you move through those thoughts and create a plan of action to make positive changes, the healthier and stronger you will become.

If you don’t believe this concept to be true, I beg of you to give it a try. First become aware of every negative thought you say or think. Before you actually speak any harshness in this world, see if you can replace it with something beneficial and productive. Instead of complaining about the slow service at Starbucks, can you appreciate the extra time you have in line to play with the adorable baby that is in the stroller behind you? Can you offer up a compliment to someone nearby to fill in the space you normally use to express a complaint? If you happen to have an illness that is worthy of complaining about, it’s acceptable and most people will listen. Don’t let any shortcomings in your life win, challenge yourself to move past all limitations. Think your way out of being sick and you may begin to feel better.

People who live with a strong mind, positive attitude, and peace in their hearts, have been known to practice many of the following habits. You may want to read up on these ideas individually to fully understand how integrating them may benefit you. Begin with one or two of the below habits and add more as time passes. Let’s see if you can slowly change your life for the better.

Habits of positive people:

  • Speak kind words
  • Read motivational & inspiring books
  • Embrace each new day with good thoughts
  • Write in a gratitude journal daily
  • Live in the moment, listen, be aware
  • Think positively about money
  • Be thankful for all things good & bad
  • Let things go
  • Surround yourself with joy: art, flowers, books, music & more
  • Have goals/ dreams & trust they can be achieved
  • Pay it forward/ do acts of kindness
  • Welcome love & positive people
  • Meditate & exercise often
  • Eat well & take care of your health
  • Be free of judgment
  • Take care of yourself/ feed your soul
  • Respect your negative thoughts & replace with positive ones

Healing and establishing wellness through thought is very real. I live its power every day. I am a brain surgery survivor. I have had plenty of negative things happen in my life that tried to take me down, but I positively thought my way through it. Living mentally strong and happy makes life so much more enjoyable.

 

ANGELISM: Not every day is easy, but Every day is worth it.

Take the lessons each day brings you and move along to the next. We don’t need a New Year to set goals and be well. We can embrace the “stay positive” concept every day of our life. It is the only goal we need to set, everything else will follow.

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Can You Stop Complaining for 21 Days?

Angelism: Complaining out loud expresses what you don’t like or want. life IS MUCH HAPPIER WHEN YOU spEAK positively and express what YOU do like and want. Be the POSITIVE change – STOP COMPLAINING!

 

Almost a decade ago I read the book A Complaint Free World and it was a huge wake-up call. To date, it is one of my favorite books and the message has truly stuck with me. Complaining is common and I’m often a receiver and a sender. Although I consider myself a happy, upbeat, positive person, I do catch myself complaining. I know I will never give up complaining 100%; I genuinely think that would be impossible. One reason I complain is for the entertainment value or simply to get what I want in the moment. Occasionally a little obnoxious verbiage is fun, and over-dramatizing topics once in a while makes a story even better! Overall, the clarity this book brought to me was the awareness of the constant, useless, serves-no-purpose, out-loud complaints, that none of us should waste our time on.  Here are some examples of common complaints that I still catch myself saying:

  • I have a headache
  • I’m tired
  • I have too much work
  • I hate the gym
  • Why can’t people do shit right
  • My cat is annoying
  • This remote never works for me
  • I’m bored
  • I’m cold/ hot
  • I hate this song
  • This driver is a maniac
  • Laundry blows
  • I don’t want to cook
  • I feel fat
  • I so need a diet
  • I can’t think
  • My day was awful
  • My hair is a fro
  • This show is stupid
  • My Internet is too slow
  • Damn cell phone
  • This line at this grocery store horrible
  • Why is everything so expensive
  • My knees hurt
  • I hate adulting

This useless out-loud chatter gives off bad vibes and creates negative energy. If any of you have read this book, or have seen Will Bowen (author) speak, then you know that the goal is to wear a purple bracelet or rubber-band around your wrist and every time you complain you have to switch the bracelet to the other wrist. I tried this forever ago and the  first day I got a bruise from swapping the bracelet so much. The goal is to go 21 days without complaining. This is a goal I never achieved but still strive to. It’s because of this book, I remain very aware of my words and the commentary around me. Making the shift to be more positive is difficult. Simply becoming more present to it is a step in the right direction. Now, I often catch myself apologizing to people in earshot of my wasteful negative words.

One of my favorite quotes: “If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain. —MAYA ANGELOU”

 

Everyone should read this book. Ending negative chatter feels nice and creates a quiet space in your mind to think of words that have good intent. In the quiet moments you can analyze and replace your almost shared bad thoughts with more pleasant ones. Take the challenge and stop being a Debbie Downer today! The goal of this little book is to have a complaint free world. What a wonderful mission! 5/5 stars for me. More details can be found here.  
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Holiday Fatness!

Angelism: Holiday season = sweaters & fat pants!

The holidays are challenging. It’s my favorite time of year, yet the most difficult. I love parties, visiting with friends and family, sharing gifts, and creating memories. Additionally, I like to enjoy all the food and beverages that come with these moments. The sluggish, lethargic feeling of fatness that is the result of Halloween through New Years really weighs on me. Literally, weight on  me! I never seem to get through a holiday without packing on pounds and losing my cardio strength.

Many people struggle during this time. The holidays are like an annual free pass to get extra chubby and say, “Fuck it, I’ll wear all my fat clothes for two months!” My rolls may spill over my jeans but they button so that’s a plus! My boobs may form a tri-tit in the front center of my bra but at least it still wraps around my back. Wearing yoga pants and sweaters seems OK during this feasting season. The average American gains about ten pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years. You would think after ten months of eating right and exercising regularly that a two month splurge wouldn’t be so hazardous to my health. Turns out everything good is bad and the holidays remind me of this again and again.

Now that the holiday madness is in full swing, in my head I am thrilled to start a New Year. I look forward to filling up my schedule with fun plans and setting goals to get organized and start fresh. The energy I have to do things from day one of a new year is amazing. I tell myself that no matter how lazy I am during the holidays, I will get focused come January 1st; however, until January 1st, I sit here feeling fat daily. I want nothing more than to drink a bottle of wine, eat some apple pie with ice cream, and watch movies while cuddling under a blanket near the fire. Sorry not sorry.

Despite my anger towards these eight weeks of laziness, I find a lot of comfort in the delicious homemade foods, fancy cocktails, yummy desserts, and endless treats. This comfort continually blinds me to the fact that every bite I take will add another dimple on my behind and another roll on my waste. In the moment while eating, I don’t consider how hard it will be to fit in my denim, or how many miles I will have to run to burn off the additional muffin top; I focus solely on how many lazy, comfort food, cuddle days I can spend indoors, stuffing my face, while lounging in my pajamas. The reality will hit me the Monday after all the holidays are over and I have to go back to work. That day is brutal.

Soon I will say farewell to the pecan pie and hello to the chicken salad!  Until then, all I can do is embrace my holiday curves. Next year I should start my November off ten pounds under my usual weight so I can eat the foods I love and not feel like such a failure. I’m officially getting too old for this shit!
 Happy Holidays! Good luck with your holiday pounds.
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My Life A Year Post Brain Surgery

Angelism: Nothing is ever really behind you… if something happened to you, and your experience was truly memorable (good or bad), it’s only a matter of time before that ingrained memory appears again.

As with any victim of trauma, once you face something bigger than you can wrap your head around, it takes over and becomes a part of you. This experience or circumstance doesn’t have to stop you, or consume your life,  but it is a part of your story and a reason at times you will fall back a step or two. When fight-or-flight hits, no matter how many people tell you to move through it and forget about it; the visions, memories, emotion, and weight of the experience, can, does, and inevitably comes back. How you choose to manage it is what matters.

Many of you know I had brain surgery last year on 12/12/18. A year ago this month, I was very unsure of what the hell was going to become of my life. Although I was confident I would power through, the unknown was terrifying. It was a personal journey that I had to brave. Though I had support and love all around me, I was the one who was about to have a hole drilled in my head. I had to wake up every day knowing this shitty situation was all mine to manage. I am happy to report I am on the other side of a successful craniotomy and thus far have recovered well.  As of now that large olive sized tumor invading space in my brain is no longer there. Now, I spend a lifetime praying it doesn’t return.

Fortunately, in the last six months or so, I have thought very little about what I went through. My surgery and condition comes up in conversation once in awhile and I move through the chatter quite quickly. I still feel the scar when I scratch my head, I see the wispy hairs of a variety of lengths growing back to remind me of the trauma to my skull, and occasionally I feel some weird sensations in my head; thankfully overall I feel good and I have moved on. Life resumed as usual for me, it simply did not stop moving forward because I had a traumatic experience. I’ve been doing well and I am pleased with the results.

Now, this is where my Angelism comes in: Nothing is ever really behind you… if something happened to you, and your experience was truly memorable (good or bad), it’s only a matter of time before that ingrained memory appears again. This quote could not be more true. I found myself yesterday in line at the grocery store, reviewing my  Facebook (FB) memories, when BOOM! Publicly tears welled up in my eyes, tears I could not fight. There I stood, reading my social media post that I created the day before my surgery announcing to my family and friends my diagnosis and the procedure I was about to endure. In this post I asked them for prayers and well wishes. The wave of unstoppable emotions simply took over. I paid for my groceries and quickly went to my car where I was compelled  to read through over 200 FB comments. It was beyond overwhelming. I was sad, happy, angry, scared, and super emotional, for no REAL reason. In this unexpected moment, all the feels came rushing back.

Hitting this one-year milestone post brain surgery has apparently triggered some PTSD that I could not escape. The last 12 months have been a challenge and they have taught me so much. My personal journey was one that took more strength than most people will ever realize.  I have never been a weak person. I always hold my head high, I fight for what I want, I strive to win, and I never give up. I have managed all of this very well and am super proud of myself. I stayed strong and had to fake that strength many days. If I’ve learned one thing it is that vulnerability is one diagnosis away. A diagnosis that can make someone tough like me, feel scared and weak, on any day, of any year, at any stage in life.

These pictures have me wishing I could be that “no worry” kid again. Little Angel had no idea how strong she’d have to be as an adult. A hard day back then was falling off my skateboard or playing outside too long and getting a sunburn. I see my little face and am driven to stay strong because from day one I have always been determined! 

MY BRAIN TUMOR DIAGNOSIS LESSONS:

  • Never give up on yourself or your circumstance. You are always a work in progress and sometimes you have to do work that you did not sign up for. For no good reason, a terrible circumstance will choose you. Be ready to fight!
  • Ask for help. People are willing to assist but often they do not know how to. Tell people what you need, how you would like them to show up for you, and the space they should give you. You will be surprised how willing to help friends and family are when they understand exactly what you want.
  • Get organized. The best gift you can give yourself is to get your shit together. This is good advice for anything in life but it was particularly helpful pre-surgery to have organized my life for three weeks in the future so I just had to power through the healing process free of worry.
  • Seek additional opinions. In my case I met with four well-known neurosurgeons in Los Angeles. I wanted to understand how they would approach my surgery and what the aftercare plan and expectations were. I learned a lot in this process and in the end I went with my gut. It was nice to have options.
  • Say I love you. With any surgery, you simply never know. I’m always very affectionate but I found myself being even more lovey and grateful. Should any of those days have been my last, I wanted people to know just how appreciative I was for my life and them being a part of it.
  • Come up for air. A scary diagnosis or traumatic event for that matter can really drown a person. The anxiety, fear, and nightmares that come uncontrollably require attention and management. I caught myself losing sleep, and having nightmares of my brain bleeding out during surgery. I’d lose my breath at the thought of an unsuccessful surgery and would get stomach pains thinking that I may not make it through this. The symptoms were real, but I fought! I hit the gym, I prayed, and set good intentions. I began to dream of a stronger, better me post surgery. It really helped!
  • Be patient. This was probably my biggest challenge. I am a workaholic. I love to stay busy and when I am not busy I love to venture out, enjoy life, and party. The idea of resting and relaxing, while in pain and not being mobile for three weeks sounded awful. I literally prepped for this by writing myself a letter, reminding me how important it is to remain patient during my healing journey. I still read this letter at times to ground me.

  • Cry and cry some more. Tears are therapeutic. Cry for your old self, cry for your new self, cry for the outpour of love you feel, cry for the inability to connect with someone who understands, cry for the unknown, cry because you are alone, cry because you survived, cry for the pain you see in those who worry for you, cry knowing that you may have conquered this day but possibly someone else was not as lucky, and cry because this is just one step of many in an unknown journey. There are so many reasons to cry, I learned you simply have to shed the tears and move along.
  • Respect that others do not understand and neither do you. Every individual human on this planet has baggage and it is unique and specific to them. What keeps you up at night is not something anyone else will relate to, especially if they do not have a very similar situation to compare it to. I knew I would need support so I  joined two online support groups where I could connect with people on a similar journey. This was the most helpful step I took. I also have a dear friend who had brain surgery two years before me. We are now bonded in a way others cannot relate to. But I highly suggest you accept the fact that people will not understand. They can’t possibly “get it” and to expect otherwise is unfair. Focus on healing you, because you cannot change others to see, feel, and understand that which is your personal journey.
  • Accept that the only guarantee in life is death. I know this sounds morbid and maybe it is. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die ever if I can help it, but I also only want to live if I am well. In this process I became OK with the idea that this could possibly be my time to go. I very proudly LIVE MY LIFE. I travel often, I eat the dessert, and order the extra shot with my beer. I soak in the sun, stay up late, celebrate every moment I can, and I’m not scared to take risks. I am transparent, what you see is what you get! I move with good intention, and I express love and appreciation all the time. I have no unfinished business. I feel whole, so therefore if my life needs to end tomorrow, I know I lived well. Somehow, this acceptance of my beautiful life, with no regrets, and no unfinished business, really gave me a sense of peace. The day of surgery, I got my anesthesia cocktail, closed my eyes, and drifted off to the unknown with complete confidence.

I’m positive there are lessons that I am forgetting but this is what comes to mind in my heightened emotional state. I thank you for reading if you made it this far. Here is a proud picture comparison. Image on left was me about 16 hours before surgery. I probably cried a dozen times that day trying to pump myself up to willingly check into a hospital and let a complete team of strangers drill into my head. To the right is my most recent work photo taken a few months ago. Thank goodness for professional photos giving me a beauty boost. All I can say at this stage is, “WOW what a difference a year makes! Whatever your journey, hang on… the hard days pass and in the end you’re better for it!”

Images below of my memorable day that I am so grateful to have behind me. My surgeon was amazing and he is known for cutting and shaving very little. With so much gratitude I give a shout out to Dr. Daniel Kelly, he was fantastic!

And well, because this is funny and we can all use a laugh…