Tag: family

My first everything without M🖤M

The month of May means so much to me. Not only is it May Gray Brain Tumor Awareness Month (I am a survivor), but it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, which is a field of medicine I work in. This month I decided to open up about the loss of my mother and share it with my patient population as well as all who care to read. I hope that sharing this will help someone in need, but for now, grab a tissue before you read! 😢  The bond between a mother and daughter is woven with threads of love, understanding, and unwavering support throughout life. It’s a bond that transcends words, a silent understanding that speaks volumes in the quiet moments shared. Spiritually, it is the unspoken “I love you” that is felt no matter how far apart. Through laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, a mother and daughter navigate life’s journey together. In the beginning, holding on tight in one another’s arms, in the grade school years hanging on hand in hand, as young adults connecting more like sisters, and, as we grow into mature adults, we build a friendship and have an unwavering family commitment to one another. The connection may be challenged at some points, but the bond is unbreakable and endures all the seasons of life.  This Mother’s Day was a first for me and was challenging to find the light in. For those who do not know, I lost my mother suddenly last year. Losing a loved one is never easy, but losing a mother to suicide in my late 40s is a pain that cuts deep, truly to the very core of my existence. It’s a loss that has left a void that seems impossible to fill, a wound that may never heal. In the aftermath of such a tragedy, my emotions swirled like a storm, ranging from profound sadness and disbelief to anger and guilt. Questions of “why?” and “how?” bombard my mind endlessly, each one more agonizing than the last. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! After all, I work in mental health, and we often talked about my mom’s anxiety and depression struggles. But how did I NOT KNOW my 68-year-old mother was suicidal? What could I have done differently? How am I now part of this life-changing statistic? There are no words, only heartbreak. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, so much so that the word overwhelming is not even big enough to express. The variety of intense feelings felt like my head and heart were drowning with no hope for relief. I share this with you today because I know our community gets it. I truly believe I had the safest place to fall. Working in the mental health field for the last 7+ years was meant to be. I can’t imagine how I would have even made it through this time in life without my compassionate team, this life-saving medicine, and all my dear loved ones who wrapped their arms around me, refused to let go, and cried through the pain with me.  In my giant and heavy sea of darkness, there is a glimmer of hope—a flicker of light that presents itself and reminds me of the love and memories I shared with my beautiful mother. I know she would want me to keep on crushing life. She would 100% be saying “You go girl, you can do anything!” It’s in these moments of remembrance and hearing her voice in my head that I find solace.   Speaking of solace, there is an amazing peer-to-peer group named Solace, based here in LA, that offers weekly virtual suicide survivor support. It has been a huge help. I truly believe in taking the time to heal no matter what life throws you. I took 4 months off, did weekly therapy and EMDR work, endlessly played the music that Mom and I adored, combed through decades of photos capturing our good times, and even made some custom jewelry out of her sparkly collection to honor her life. Probably the most healing of all my efforts was being vulnerable with my amazing team here at KCLA and getting some ketamine infusions. I don’t think I could have made it through any of these dark days without immediately facing ALL the pain. There are no shortcuts and no time limits on the road to healing. My new motto is “The only way through the pain is through the pain!”  Given it is Mental Health Awareness Month, I felt it necessary to share my story. It’s essential to remember that healing is not a linear process. It’s okay to not be okay, to lean on others for support, and to seek professional help when needed. While the pain of losing a mother to suicide may never fully dissipate, with time, love, and support, I am confident I will feel a sense of peace and acceptance, honoring her memory always as I navigate the journey of grief with all of us who miss her dearly.   Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day Mom! You are with me always.    ❤Angel