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Mental Health Awareness Month Matters

My first everything without M🖤M
Angelism: Sometimes it’s the people closest to you, the ones you love the most, who do the heartbreaking unthinkable and you question did I know you at all?
The month of May means so much to me. Not only is it May Gray Brain Tumor Awareness Month (I am a survivor), but it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, which is a field of medicine I work in. This month I decided to open up about the loss of my mother and share it with my patient population as well as all who care to read. I hope that sharing this will help someone in need, but for now, grab a tissue before you read! 😢 

The bond between a mother and daughter is woven with threads of love, understanding, and unwavering support throughout life. It’s a bond that transcends words, a silent understanding that speaks volumes in the quiet moments shared. Spiritually, it is the unspoken “I love you” that is felt no matter how far apart. Through laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, a mother and daughter navigate life’s journey together. In the beginning, holding on tight in one another’s arms, in the grade school years hanging on hand in hand, as young adults connecting more like sisters, and, as we grow into mature adults, we build a friendship and have an unwavering family commitment to one another. The connection may be challenged at some points, but the bond is unbreakable and endures all the seasons of life. 

This Mother’s Day was a first for me and was challenging to find the light in. For those who do not know, I lost my mother suddenly last year. Losing a loved one is never easy, but losing a mother to suicide in my late 40s is a pain that cuts deep, truly to the very core of my existence. It’s a loss that has left a void that seems impossible to fill, a wound that may never heal. In the aftermath of such a tragedy, my emotions swirled like a storm, ranging from profound sadness and disbelief to anger and guilt. Questions of “why?” and “how?” bombard my mind endlessly, each one more agonizing than the last. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! After all, I work in mental health, and we often talked about my mom’s anxiety and depression struggles. But how did I NOT KNOW my 68-year-old mother was suicidal? What could I have done differently? How am I now part of this life-changing statistic?

There are no words, only heartbreak. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, so much so that the word overwhelming is not even big enough to express. The variety of intense feelings felt like my head and heart were drowning with no hope for relief. I share this with you today because I know our community gets it. I truly believe I had the safest place to fall. Working in the mental health field for the last 7+ years was meant to be. I can’t imagine how I would have even made it through this time in life without my compassionate team, this life-saving medicine, and all my dear loved ones who wrapped their arms around me, refused to let go, and cried through the pain with me.  In my giant and heavy sea of darkness, there is a glimmer of hope—a flicker of light that presents itself and reminds me of the love and memories I shared with my beautiful mother. I know she would want me to keep on crushing life. She would 100% be saying “You go girl, you can do anything!” It’s in these moments of remembrance and hearing her voice in my head that I find solace.  

Speaking of solace, there is an amazing peer-to-peer group named Solace, based here in LA, that offers weekly virtual suicide survivor support. It has been a huge help. I truly believe in taking the time to heal no matter what life throws you. I took 4 months off, did weekly therapy and EMDR work, endlessly played the music that Mom and I adored, combed through decades of photos capturing our good times, and even made some custom jewelry out of her sparkly collection to honor her life. Probably the most healing of all my efforts was being vulnerable with my amazing team here at KCLA and getting some ketamine infusions. I don’t think I could have made it through any of these dark days without immediately facing ALL the pain. There are no shortcuts and no time limits on the road to healing. My new motto is “The only way through the pain is through the pain!” 

Given it is Mental Health Awareness Month, I felt it necessary to share my story. It’s essential to remember that healing is not a linear process. It’s okay to not be okay, to lean on others for support, and to seek professional help when needed. While the pain of losing a mother to suicide may never fully dissipate, with time, love, and support, I am confident I will feel a sense of peace and acceptance, honoring her memory always as I navigate the journey of grief with all of us who miss her dearly.  

Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day Mom! You are with me always.   

❤Angel
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I Believe…

Angelism: What you believe identifies your truth. Belief is as open or as limited as you allow it to be. Belief can change at any moment if you choose to think differently.

I believe that life is not fair. I am not owed anything nor should I expect anything.
I believe I should always leave loved ones with loving words, I never know if that will be my last goodbye.
 
I believe I don’t have to change friends to understand that friends can change.
I believe that it will take a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe no matter how hard I love, I will be hurt. Forgive and move on is the only healthy option.
I believe that I am responsible for the opinions others have of me. I choose how much weight I give to those opinions.
I believe I can do something in one moment of time that will change the course of my life forever.
I believe I can keep going long after I think I can’t.
I believe either I control my attitude or my attitude will control me.
I believe that money is a shitty way to keep score in life.
I believe that I should not place value on my things. What I have today may be gone tomorrow.
I believe that I have the right to be angry, but that does not give me the right to be cruel.
I believe that no matter how sad I become, or how crushed my heart may be, the world will not stop for my grief.
I believe that maturity is a state of mind, one I can turn on and off when needed.
I believe that my upbringing influenced who I am, but I am responsible for who I become.
I believe two people can look at he exact same thing and see it completely different.
I believe I can have all the degrees in the world but that’s not what makes me a smart / good human.
I believe that a total stranger can have a huge impact on my life.
I believe that keeping secrets weighs heavy on the soul. I also believe discovering secrets weighs heavy on the soul.
I believe that sometimes the people I am closest to take the most advantage of my generosity.
I believe that life is a gift, one that I am grateful for even on the toughest of days.
I believe that getting old sucks! My days are numbered no matter how hard I fight to stay young.
I believe that often the people I least expect to show up for me do.
I believe that I must believe in myself if I want others to believe in me.
I believe that I will do what I feel has to be done regardless of the consequences.
I believe in the greater good but accept that evil exists among us.
I believe that organized religion is not the only way to practice faith. It is possible to have relationship with a higher power outside of the rules of church.
I believe that I will make mistakes and that I will learn from them.
I believe in the power of love and giving.
I believe that there is only one race and that is HUMAN. We are all HUMAN and that is why we are all more alike than different.
I believe that if you agree you should share this with your friends… XO
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Shit Happens!

Angelism: “You are not above things going wrong in your life. Get over yourself & accept that shit happens & it’s OK.

Life is an interesting roller-coaster of highs and lows. Most people want love, happiness, and financial stability, yet so many people get lost in the stress of life and the instant gratification of negativity. People race through days allowing themselves to get overwhelmed by little things like a flat tire, a cell phone that breaks, or a pizza delivery that runs late. This proves to me that as Americans we are spoiled. People want more stuff and exciting new adventures. The focus is on what we want and the importance of having it a certain way rather than using our energy to appreciate life and its daily struggles. As Americans we are surrounded by so much greatness and opportunity, we are raised knowing that our dreams can become reality, however it’s important to keep in mind that SHIT WILL HAPPEN. The sooner we can accept that not everything will go our way, the happier life will be for all.

I’m always in awe at how stressed out a person can become over a computer that crashes, a remote control that dies, or a cell phone that breaks. I laugh when people roll their eyes in line at the grocery store as if their time is more important than the few people in front of them. Even more entertaining is when drivers flip people the bird all because they are shocked and bugged by having to share their public street space with someone they consider a horrible driver. Get over yourself!
We are all in a world experiencing life. People have the ability to dream and believe in perfection which can be our enemy. We have the need for more things to prove our success and establish our importance. Many people run around with built up negative energy, complaining about anything and everything that doesn’t go as expected because we want to control our dream for a perfect environment. We get flustered every time a little shit happens. I truly believe that real strength and intelligence comes from the people who accept that all that can happen, will happen, some good and some bad. You may be annoyed that your car broke down, but why wouldn’t it? It’s a car, it can fail. Do you think you are more deserving than others, and that your vehicle should always run perfectly and someone else should have to deal with car trouble instead? Are you above shit happening to you?
I’ve learned that not all days are fair and some good days turn bad just by taking a call or reading an email. I’ve spent the last decade trying to embrace shit happening. When things start to go opposite of the way I want them to, I start creating a plan to fix it. I do vent, stress, get annoyed and wish things were different, but a full on meltdown and “poor me, I’m a victim” attitude is never my route. When I see that shit is happening I grab an ass-wipe and start cleaning it up. The other option is to sit in the shit and be miserable which may be worth it for some but not for me. Next time shit happens in your life, I hope you see the bright side of the crap and process it nicely.
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Surviving the Race

Angelism: “Every step in life has its moment. It might be your first step, your last, your easiest step or your most challenging one. Whether it is a step up, step down, or a step to the side, no matter what kind of step, enjoy what it brings to your story. Every step you take is a memory that shapes your personal journey in life.” 
Life has challenges every day. Many challenges we take on to prove something to ourselves that we were not sure was possible. Back in the fall, one of my best-friends since high-school signed up for a half marathon. I instantly thought she was crazy. When she called to share the news I got excited for her but still thought she had no clue what she was getting herself into. This friend of mine, who rarely asks me for anything, insisted that I help motivate her. She knew I worked out regularly and wanted me to hold her accountable. Wanting to be there for her I said, “Yes!” I even offered to train with her. She was thrilled and sent me the run schedule. I was officially in for 12 weeks of torture!
Now, I live in Los Angeles and my friend resides in Houston. My promise to her was to train with her side by side so we could tackle the workout plan together. I knew this was a promise I would soon regret, but I wanted to stay committed. Having attempted to train for a half marathon in my past, I knew she would start to feel defeated around the 8-10 mile mark. This meant I had to stay strong especially at the end. After a few weeks of training I had a crazy idea. I thought how great it would be if I could fly out there and do this with her. From that point on, I worked to figure out a way to get to Houston and spend this memorable event with her.
Luckily her husband was on board with this idea, as well as my boyfriend and another dear friend of ours. We agreed it would be a surprise, she would be clueless, and we would give her the shock of her life. Scared the secret would be exposed, we kept it on the down-low from our friends and family. Successfully keeping it hush-hush, we arrived the Friday before the race and she had no idea anything was up. I pretended to be at work texting her about my stressful day, when all along I was really eating lunch with her hubby down the street from her office in Houston. We decided we would hide in her closet when she got home. When she drove up we took our place in the dark closet like little kids playing hide and go seek. She came in the house after a long day at work, she went to her closet to change (thinking her hubby was taking her out to dinner), and BAM! There the three of us were, screaming and running out of the closet to surprise her and support her on her special day. She was shocked!!! She put her hands over her face and cried – we cried, we laughed, she asked questions, and we cried some more. When the shock wore off we hugged, we jumped for joy, we acted like kids and we all agreed that moment will forever be a highlight in our life. This experience reminded me how important it is to do things like this for those you love. Life is all about moments and when you can have one that feels this good, an instant feeling of raw emotion that creates a warm and fuzzy feeling inside your heart, it is worth all the effort to make it happen. We were all floating on a cloud of happy.
Now that the fun of the surprise was over, we had to face the race. Sunday morning was brutal. We were up at 4am, we spent an hour in the car driving to the race location, and then we weaseled our way through the thousands of people to get ready for the half marathon. Our nerves were at an all time high. We had sweaty palms and goosebumps because we wanted so badly to do well. We were scared to death at how hard the next few hours would be. We heard the stories of people passing out, throwing up, peeing themselves, and tripping and scraping up their bodies. We knew that a rash in the bra and crotch area was likely as were blisters on our feet. Through the fear we had one main goal: TO FINISH THE RACE! Our second goal: TO NOT STOP RUNNING! I am thrilled to report: “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” We came in under the 12 minute mile goal we set for ourselves and we never stopped running once. We were overwhelmed with gratitude to have accomplished this challenge together. We crossed that finish line and the tears poured out as the leg pain set in. We did it! 13.1 miles complete!
I learned that committing to push yourself harder than you ever have before is very frightening. The doubt, fear and pain that creeps up in your head while you run for hours on end is a mental mind-fuck every step of the way. The will and motivation to finish is there but the desire to give up and quit haunts you. Neither of us wanted to let each other down, so we both pushed hard not just for ourselves but for each-other. I am blessed that we survived the race in one piece. I am more blessed that I have a friend who has been with me in every step of my life. This race represented to me that no matter how many steps I take in life, no matter how hard my challenges get, or how scared I am to do the things I want to do, I am not alone. Our commitment to get through life together will always be there. Thank you BFFF!!! And thank you NIKE for shoes that stood the test of time!!!

 

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Two Sides of My Soul

Angelism: “I choose happy because happy is a choice.”

Today I bring up an interesting topic, a way of looking inside your soul that you may have not thought of before. I have always felt that I have two lives. You might be thinking that I’m living in the dark under two different names not sure of who I am. Not the case. However I have discovered that I have a bad life and a good life. I’m well aware of my existence and the twists and turns it’s taken, but what I’m most fascinated with is my ability to choose one life over the other. It’s as if my soul knows the feeling of two personalities but chooses one.
I was raised by a variety of people. My parents, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, extended family, acquaintances in the workplace, and friends, all played a part in the person that I have become. Books and prayer have also influenced me at certain times in my life. Even TV has helped my personality grow. Thanks to kind-hearted individuals like Oprah, I believe that the world can be a better place. It’s these relationships and experiences that have helped mold me to think the way I do and for that I am ever so grateful.
I’ve learned that the world is filled with two kinds of people: the positive (uppers) and the negative (downers). No matter how hard I try to be good, I’ll always be surrounded by someone or something that wants to bring me down. I know that it’s my choice to live one of these two ways. Unfortunately, good and bad things happen regardless of my efforts. It can be challenging to get through the day when you know it’s all up to chance and that what’s here one minute, could be gone the next.
Because of my consistent happy and outgoing personality, I don’t get much sympathy from others. This is mainly my doing because I don’t seek it. If there is a problem, I find a solution. I don’t dwell for long nor do I bring others down with me. Since I have the ability to manage life without much comfort from others, what many people don’t realize is that I have been broken. Not just a few hits here and there, but truly emotionally and physically damaged. I can think of handfuls of events that got me so low I’m surprised I’m still standing. Life has brought me loss, pain, misfortune, anxiety, conflict, stress and disappointment. I have been let down, forgotten, lied to, mistreated, disowned and crapped on by people I cared for and trusted. In past moments of pure disappointment, I have acted evil and said and done things I am not proud of. I can easily wake up every day and dwell in my misery if I wanted to.
On the flip side I know I’m an amazing person. I have been blessed in numerous ways and any negative experience I have had, has taught me an important lesson. Many of the people who have let me down, have also lifted me up. That’s what I hold onto. I have experienced love, praise, support, commitment, fun, intimacy and adventure. I have people who truly believe in me and stand by all that I do. My family and friends, who I hold so dear, have proven that no matter what gets in the way nothing will break our bond. When I think of these positive moments in my life, times of pure laughter and joy, I am carried. I think, “How dare I ever put energy elsewhere.” Happy is my home and my heart. I have the gift of joy because I decided long ago to use my energy to love people and life and set boundaries with those who let me down and are a negative force. My faith, trust, love and vulnerability confirm for me that no matter what happens – life is good.
So how does one get through the confusion of good versus evil, love versus hate, rich versus poor, friend versus enemy and luck versus jinxed? The way I see it is you can be a victim or a hero. When you are a victim, a downer, or a negative person, everything you think and do comes out through you with a negative, mistrusting force. A victim believes life isn’t fair. They can’t maintain relationships or nurture healing. Their walls are so high that no matter how hard you try, you keep ending up in the same dysfunctional situations. Their dramatic, disrespectful and rude behavior gets the best of them. I understand this dark, ugly place. I have been there and know people who live there full-time. Many times I have asked, “Why must it be so hard? Why must you kick me when I’m down? Why don’t people understand and respect me?” I can go on for days with desperate questions that have no answers or I can embrace the positive side of my soul that heals all wounds. One of my favorite Angelisms quotes says, “I choose happy because happy is a choice.” Since happy is a choice, I want to appreciate my life and celebrate its ups and downs. I know in my heart and in my mind that this is the way life should be.
It’s easy to get lost in life, feel confused about emotions and wonder why you always get the short end of the stick. It’s easier to go with the crowd or side with those that are dramatic and negative than to take a stand for a positive thought. Gossip always comes quicker than praise. What’s even easier is to beat people to the punch. You might figure if you can point out your flaws and life struggles before they do, then it will hurt less. Most of us have a problem looking at ourselves in the mirror and being wholeheartedly proud of what we see. The result of that is living in anger and disappointment which doesn’t lead to a happy soul.
Some people would love to walk a day in my shoes and others would not try on a pair if I paid them. The important thing for me is knowing which pair of shoes to wear in this life. I can wallow in the 5-inch heels that cripple me, cause pains in my legs, feet and knees, and show something to others that I’m not proud of, or I can choose to wear my sneakers. I know for sure that it’s in my sneakers I am comfortable, free spirited and ready to soak in all that the world has to offer.
I understand the struggles of having the Devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other. I, like many of you, have to pick which life to make my story. I won’t pretend that I wake up on the right side of the bed every morning. Those of you who follow my BLOGS know I like to complain and vent a time or two. No matter how tough a day in my life can get, at the end of the day I know I’m at peace. What I choose is what’s right for me. I make every effort to live my life with respect, honesty, love and heartfelt consideration. Many of my decisions are driven by my desire to have fun and be a free spirit. My life, if I analyze it, can go either way; victim or hero, good or bad, positive or negative. As you have learned, my soul chooses happy so I am my own hero. Which life do you choose?