Angelism: “Whoever invented the female period is an asshole!”
I assume you know exactly what I am talking about when I say, “My time of the month SUCKS!” Most women have this in common for about 40+ dreadful years. Every month I get a visit and if I didn’t I’d shit my pants as my life would change forever; kids are not in my plan. If you are at all confused, I’m referring to my monthly period. The awful weeklong bloodbath in my pants is also known as: Aunt Flow, The Rag, Shark Week, The Dreaded Dragon, TOM (time of month), The Crimson Wave, The Bloody Mary, In Heat, The Curse, and lastly but most classy, Riding the White Pony. All very sexy don’t you think? I never realized how quickly 21 days can go by until day 21 creeps up on me, leaving me so bloated the buttons on my pants feel pressure to rip open, and my boobs can barely be stuffed into my roomiest of bras. Going up an entire cup size overnight the day or two before my period sucks! Great for my boyfriend, he thinks it’s awesome, however during this time I want him to stay as far away as possible since my boobs feel like a pile of bricks. I shove myself in a bra and pray to not have a tri-tit explosion out of the top of my shirt as it would be highly inappropriate at work. Finish these symptoms off with stabbing cramps, gas, zits, the shits, and an overall hormone and odor change, and YUM, I think that’s a recipe for a great date night? NOPE! Time to cancel my plans. FML!!!
My crankiness aside, having a period in my opinion is truly a curse. PMS and everything that goes with it is awful. We go an average of four decades dealing with this shit, keeping the maxi pad and tampon industry in business, just for the option to have children. It’s feeling unfair to me, especially since I don’t want kids. As much as I respect our higher power, I’m not sure what God was smoking when he put this plan in place. Clearly he had too much wine that night and was very upset with women. The average American family has something like 2.6 kids. Hmmm, so you get to tough through a period every month for 40+ years to be pregnant for maybe two or three years of your life? Even if it takes you a few tries to get knocked up, even back in the day when we didn’t live as long… 40 years of baby making potential?!?! Eff you! This process is proof that the female body a fucking machine. Screw hunting and building a house boys; a woman is a super-human, baby making machine for four decades, bleeding a week straight for 12 weeks out of every year, all with the potential to nourish life with our big fat boobies! Top that bullshit!
Maybe the PMS hormone imbalances that lead to a woman’s crazed moments truly are to make men insane. If that’s the case then great, something has to wake them up to experience the hell we face on a bad cramp day. Shit gets done when Shark Week arrives or somebody dies! I think many of you know exactly where I’m coming from on this. Please tell me I’m not alone!!!