Exercise or be FAT!

Angelism: “If you don’t move your body you lose your body.

 
“Exercise or be fat!” I have come to the realization that without regular exercise and constant awareness of what I put in my mouth, I will be fat; not a little fat, a lot fat. Some women have the luxury of eating all they want, never working out, and being a size zero. Other women can workout a day or two a week, watch their diet, and maintain their weight. I don’t fit in these categories. I look at pizza and my zipper pops open.
A decade ago I had two knee surgeries that had me gimping around for eight months. This situation contributed to a 25 pound weight gain. I was officially the heaviest I had ever been and tipped well into the 200 pound category which was more than I could wrap my head around. I was miserable and my problem solver was Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for comfort. Every day recovering from knee surgeries I struggled with pain and felt defeated. The additional weight I was lugging around made me weak and weighed me down. I became lazy in life for a short time and it took a toll on my body instantly. My cholesterol numbers went up and I was winded walking up one flight of stairs. I knew if I did not do something immediately, my weight would skyrocket. I made a commitment to myself to exercise a minimum of three days a week for the rest of my life. This was quite a big goal. I started out with 30 minutes of cardio three days a week, then increased it to four. After a few months I was spending more time at the gym and feeling much better. It took me three years of being cautious of what I put in my mouth, and a minimum of three days a week of exercise, to lose the 20+ pounds I gained. Eight months to gain it and 36 months to lose it. What a joke!!! I know many of you can relate. Regardless of how long it takes me to get to my ideal weight, being healthy is my goal. I am about 10-15 pounds overweight according to the doctors, but I am 5’10 and fit. Maybe I’m not fit on paper, but in real life, I can kick some ass. I ran a half marathon with two bum legs and 188 pounds of strong and healthy woman curves.
Now my focus is to forever stay away from that 200 number no matter what. Today I biked for 5 miles, walked one mile, did 45 minutes of heavy arm weights, and stretched. I will be lucky to maintain my weight for the day. I didn’t eat like a pig, but I didn’t deprive myself either. I have tried all kinds of diets and nothing makes me skinny. I love all types of foods, variety keeps my taste buds happy. So does wine! All this training at the gym and no rewards would suck! Since genetics is not on my side, if I want to enjoy food, I can fight obesity by MOVING. So my quote, “Exercise or be fat,” is a reminder of the consequence I face if I’m lazy. I wish this was not the circumstance but I accept it. For all you skinny girls, be grateful; for those of you needing some motivation to shed the extra pounds, maybe this story will be that little push. Get moving, it makes all the difference.
Before I sign off, I want to announce that I am proud that my goal to exercise a minimum of three days a week has not been broken for a decade. I have fit in my workouts on weeks I was sick, traveling, tired, or too busy. The result is I FEEL GREAT! I was serious the day I made this choice to live well; no turning back now. Unless someone runs me over, good luck stopping me!
Step 1 – Know your number. If you don’t own a scale, get one. The number does not lie!

What MOM Didn’t Tell Us About MEN!

Angelism: “Why women try to change men I will never understand. Embrace their weirdness & individuality, for the most part it is entertaining!”

My girlfriend’s and I often bitch about all the things, big and small, that irritate us about living with a man. Whether you are married, living together, or dating and he is over all the time, there are things that get on your nerves 24/7. Here is a little list I have compiled of why living with a man can be annoying most days of the week. All we can do is laugh about it!
1) Men leave shit everywhere. Clothes, shoes, pens, papers, food wrappers, socks, condoms, money, towels, underwear, cups, plates, beer cans, hats, keys, phones, magazines, mail, video games, and anything they can get their hands on. This list can go on forever.
2) Men smell like salty balls most of the time. If you can catch your man fresh out of a shower you are lucky, have sex immediately. Other than that they stink like ass shortly thereafter.
3) Men have their best sex life with the remote control. If only men put the same amount of effort into fondling their lady as they do that damn remote every woman on the planet would orgasm.
4) Men sweat like pigs when they sleep and breath and snore all over you.
5) Men grab, scratch, tug and fondle their balls no matter where they are or what they are doing. A man sprawled out on the couch with his hand in his pants repositioning his junk is a daily ritual.
6) Men pick their nose, face, ears, feet, and anything else they can pick, all the time. Boys become men who act like boys never sit still. They are always picking at or investigating something and touching buttons they should not.
7) Men make a mess in the kitchen unlike anything I have ever seen before. My man can make a grilled cheese and Top Ramen and you would think he cooked a feast for 10.
8) Men can sleep in the same sheets for a month and never think to change them. They would not wear the same underwear for a month yet they look at you like you are crazy when you want to change the sheets weekly because they sweat, fart, lay naked, and have sex regularly on them.
9) Men fart on you non-stop. In the bedroom, living room, bathroom, car and even in public. When they bomb you, they laugh like a nine year old boy who got away with something bad. They outright fart on you, literally on you!
10) Men like to dance around naked. Hell they like to do everything naked. When men are naked, their focus is their penis. They like to hide their penis so it looks like they have a vagina, bounce it around while they dance, flop their balls over it and give you the bat wings, swing it in circles like a propeller, tea bag you, push their balls in the back below their ass and show you the goat, or my personal favorite; give their penis a boner and ask you to take care of it. I tell ya, I have been in my relationship for almost 13 years and I have seen some crazy shit that can be done with a penis.
11) Men watch way too much TV, drink way too much beer, eat way too much junk, whine way too much when they have to do anything around the house, and are the most horrible patients when they are sick or hungover. WTF?
12) Men and laundry don’t mix. Men and cleaning don’t mix. Men and organizing don’t mix. Men and grocery shopping don’t mix. Men and Oprah don’t mix. Men and chic flicks don’t mix. MEN AND CHANGE DO NOT MIX! Honestly, not sure how men and women mix? I must really, really love my man. 
Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things that men do right. This list however was for fun and to point out all the things Mom did not tell us women about what our future would look like living with a man. Not all men are created equal. Some only have a few of these wonderful qualities mentioned above. Moms out there, if you have young daughters, teach them this stuff before they leave home. What a pleasure it was for me to learn a guys lifestyle after I left the house. The good news is, all of us women are in the same boat, we are all faced with the challenge of finding new ways to enjoy the small tortures of living with the opposite sex.
To my love muffin of 13 years: “I love you honey! You are still my favorite gross guy!”

Happy Valentine’s Day

Angelism: “Love comes in many forms. Always love yourself first so that you can be open to love others. Welcome love in your life, for when it’s real it can truly help you evolve into a better person.” 
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day I want to celebrate love. Not just my love for a significant other, but the love that that I share with family, friends, children, neighbors, Facebook buddies, coworkers, pets, and all who are dear to my heart. I always say, my religion is love. I can’t imagine life without it. 
For some of you, this may not be a Valentine’s Day filled with wine, food, long stem roses, and love poems. There is nothing wrong with that. Instead share your love with people you appreciate and are grateful for. All of us are still kids inside who love a sweet treat or card from someone who cares. If you wish to receive love, think first about how you are giving it. If you have a lover, love them even more today. Set aside any resentments, eliminate negative thoughts, and show your lover on Valentine’s Day some unconditional love. Whining about not getting gifts from your partner or punishing them for a lack of effort will kill any possibility of a special day. If you are feeling lonely or desperate stop now. Being single is a wonderful thing. Take the day to love yourself. Buy yourself some flowers, go to a spa or get some of your favorite chocolates. Plan quality time with a friend, family member or coworker. Get yourself out there and share the special day positively. If you are in limbo because you sort of have a date, but you’re not sure since it may just be a bootie-call, then I beg of you to get your head out of you ass and get it together. If you have a shady lover in your life, and you don’t know by now if they want to spend Valentine’s Day with you, then guess what? They don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with you. Make other plans! Don’t sit by the phone, wait by the door, or stalk your favorite hang-out, hoping to hear from a Valentine. Move on and celebrate Valentine’s Day with those who are deserving of your love and attention. 
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you. May your day be full of LOVE! 

My Time of the Month SUCKS!

Angelism: “Whoever invented the female period is an asshole!”

I assume you know exactly what I am talking about when I say, “My time of the month SUCKS!” Most women have this in common for about 40+ dreadful years. Every month I get a visit and if I didn’t I’d shit my pants as my life would change forever; kids are not in my plan. If you are at all confused, I’m referring to my monthly period. The awful weeklong bloodbath in my pants is also known as: Aunt Flow, The Rag, Shark Week, The Dreaded Dragon, TOM (time of month), The Crimson Wave, The Bloody Mary, In Heat, The Curse, and lastly but most classy, Riding the White Pony. All very sexy don’t you think? I never realized how quickly 21 days can go by until day 21 creeps up on me, leaving me so bloated the buttons on my pants feel pressure to rip open, and my boobs can barely be stuffed into my roomiest of bras. Going up an entire cup size overnight the day or two before my period sucks! Great for my boyfriend, he thinks it’s awesome, however during this time I want him to stay as far away as possible since my boobs feel like a pile of bricks. I shove myself in a bra and pray to not have a tri-tit explosion out of the top of my shirt as it would be highly inappropriate at work. Finish these symptoms off with stabbing cramps, gas, zits, the shits, and an overall hormone and odor change, and YUM, I think that’s a recipe for a great date night? NOPE! Time to cancel my plans. FML!!! 
My crankiness aside, having a period in my opinion is truly a curse. PMS and everything that goes with it is awful. We go an average of four decades dealing with this shit, keeping the maxi pad and tampon industry in business, just for the option to have children. It’s feeling unfair to me, especially since I don’t want kids. As much as I respect our higher power, I’m not sure what God was smoking when he put this plan in place. Clearly he had too much wine that night and was very upset with women. The average American family has something like 2.6 kids. Hmmm, so you get to tough through a period every month for 40+ years to be pregnant for maybe two or three years of your life? Even if it takes you a few tries to get knocked up, even back in the day when we didn’t live as long… 40 years of baby making potential?!?! Eff you! This process is proof that the female body a fucking machine. Screw hunting and building a house boys; a woman is a super-human, baby making machine for four decades, bleeding a week straight for 12 weeks out of every year, all with the potential to nourish life with our big fat boobies! Top that bullshit! 

Maybe the PMS hormone imbalances that lead to a woman’s crazed moments truly are to make men insane. If that’s the case then great, something has to wake them up to experience the hell we face on a bad cramp day. Shit gets done when Shark Week arrives or somebody dies! I think many of you know exactly where I’m coming from on this. Please tell me I’m not alone!!!