Ain’t it A Biotch Part II

Angelism: “No matter how hard I try there is always crazy shit to bitch about. Life just ain’t normal!”

Hopefully you all get a good laugh outta this. Feel free to add your own “Aint it a Biotch” comment at the bottom of this blog. I’m sure I missed a few good things to bitch about! 
1) Ain’t it a biotch when your boyfriend tells you to “Suck it in.” I’m bloated asshole!!! You try bleeding for 5 days!
2) Ain’t it a biotch when you stay up late Saturday night to watch SNL and it sucks. Not all episodes are worthy.
3) Ain’t it a biotch when you are on Facebook and your friends from another time zone update their status with the results of TV show. Keep it to yourself people, not everyone lives on the fucking East coast!
4) Ain’t it a biotch when you ask a woman, “When are you due?” and she responds with, “I am not pregnant!” Insert foot in mouth. Oops!
5) Ain’t it a biotch when you’re driving and you forget where you are going? Dumbass!
6) Ain’t it a biotch when you put on your fat pants and they are too tight. Fuck you evil calories!
7) Ain’t it a biotch when you wait an hour to eat at a restaurant and you finally get your food and it’s just OK. So not worth the wait.
8) Ain’t it a biotch when your parents talk about sex. So gross.
9) Ain’t it a biotch when someone walks in on you in a public restroom while you are doing number two. Hope you’re not wiping.
And since we are talking about shitters….
10) Ain’t it a biotch when you are simply walking around in public or sitting comfortably with a friend and out of the blue you fart and poo comes out. WTF???
11) Ain’t it a biotch when you get kicked out of a bar on your birthday because you are too drunk. Maybe this is just me but I blame my friends for giving me too many shots.
12) Ain’t it a biotch when you are in a deep sleep and that damn dump truck comes barreling through and wakes you up at 5:30am. ARGH, I hate this! You would think by now they could make those things a little quieter. Possibly a hybrid version would be good.
13) Ain’t it a biotch when you are shopping in the produce section of the supermarket and you grab an apple and a bunch of them fall on the ground. I have yet to understand why they stack the fruit and veggies the way they do.
14) Ain’t it a biotch when you are at home starving, you don’t have much food in the house and you go to make a PBJ sandwich and your bread is moldy. DAMMIT! Give me a spoon I am eating peanut butter for lunch.
15) Ain’t it a biotch when you go out to see a movie and you get there in what you consider to be plenty of time and you walk in and all that is available is the first three rows. Why do they even have the first three rows? Nobody likes them.
16) Ain’t it a biotch when you grab the remote control and go to use it and the batteries are dead. Now I gotta get my ass up off the couch and find batteries??? FML!
17) Ain’t it a biotch when you get an eyelash in your eye and you are wearing full makeup. I thought eyelashes were there to prevent shit from getting in my eyes. Lame!
18) Ain’t it a biotch when you are trying to go to bed and your man is running around the house asking you where everything is because he has no clue since he never puts anything away. And guys think women are annoying?!?! 
19) Ain’t it a biotch when you are in a public place and you go to release what you believe will be a quiet pass of gas and BOOM, everyone is well aware that it was you just shit your pants. Gas is a tricky thing.
And last but not least…
20) Ain’t it a biotch when you park your car and walk away with absolutely no regard for where you parked it. Hours later when you are done shopping you walk out and realize how stupid you were and the punishment will be walking up and down every aisle looking like clueless idiot while cursing at the cars and hitting that damn lock button on your keychain. Better hope if it’s a parking garage that you at least know what floor you were on. LOL!!!

I Wish Food Sucked!

Angelisms: “Life would be grand if steamed broccoli & carrots tasted as wonderful as double fudge cake with ice cream.”

If you follow my blogs, you know that I am no skinny-minnie. I am tall, curvy and soft and work my ass off at the gym. I have earned my girly figure by exercising harder than most thin and fit people. The benefit of all this exercise is I maintain a healthy, full, slightly overweight figure with some shape; not a fat, bouncy, blob-like body. If I don’t work out regularly, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have a big weight problem. I have fought this most of my life and I accept it. I am genetically challenged when it comes to being super fit and if vegetables tasted nearly as great as cheesecake, my journey to maintain a healthy weight would not be so complicated. Food is good, I love to eat, I always have. I like the taste of food and since I love my food hot, I tend to eat fairly fast. I appreciate many categories of food: Japanese, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian and Thai, only name a few. This interest in many kinds of food does not work in my favor when trying to diet.
As if life isn’t hard enough it turns out all crap food tastes way better than all healthy food. This pisses me off. As much as I hate to complain and be negative, when it comes to managing my weight, I have real beef with the man upstairs. Many of you already know this stuff, but for shits and giggles, I will review the challenges of being a woman. For all you skinny bitches who can’t relate, laugh and be thankful you can eat whatever you want and still wear a size zero. For any of you sporting a spare tire or two, who work-out often and diet and struggle like me, enjoy every second of my rant:
“I carry around extra weight through my hips and thighs and no matter how many miles I run, how many stairs I climb, or how many pounds I lose, the extra weight stays there. I lug around boobs that have to weigh about five pounds each. Not sure what D size breasts equal in numbers, but they are not light weights to carry. Hell, I should have a ripped back just for pulling my boobs upright every day. No such luck! I have a bit of a muffin top (AKA spare tire), which I can’t figure out. I have done more sit-ups than days I have been alive and I still have a soft tummy. That is the truth people, I track this shit and it’s UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE that I still have chub of any kind in this area. What really blows my mind is I have been doing arm weights for over six years and no matter how many arm machines I do, my arm skin still looks slightly loose as if I don’t actually work them out at all. Solid underneath when I flex, but soft on the outside to the eyes of those around me. So unfair! On top of this, as a woman, I suffer from PMS that sneaks up on me monthly. Since this is my female blessing, the comfort I seek, the only comfort, is Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream. I am sure many of you will agree that the one scoop that equals a serving size, is never enough to satisfy. I prefer to eat the entire tub. Sad thing is that tub is about a full day’s worth of calories and there is no way in hell that will be all I eat in a day. DAMMIT! Carbs are evil, fat is the devil, and everything that tastes memorable goes straight to my ass!”
I hope I’m not the only one who feels this. I know mentally that overeating is bad for me. Maybe if I only had a period once a year, I could survive my crazy cravings that push me to overeat and indulge in crap as satisfying as a damn Oreo cookie cake. Multiple sugar and salt cravings every month with my menstrual cycle is a big fucking curse. A man faces none of this. Waking up with a hard on in your 30’s and 40’s, and having a beer belly because you drink every night when you sit your fat ass on the couch and watch TV is hardly what I consider a set-back. Going out with and extra set of tits on my back and cottage cheese on my thighs that is visible through my yoga pants and khakis is not cool. The worse part is, not only do I crave something as yummy as a chocolate shake from McDonald’s, but I want the extra salty french fries to go with it. Knowing this, saying it out loud and now writing it, makes me feel like a complete moron. Intellectually there is no excuse, my cravings should be controlled, and food should be looked at as an energy source only. Food solely as an energy source sounds awful! Sorry, when I am hungry and I have the option of a glass of water, tofu and vegetables or some beer, extra cheesy bacon mac and cheese and fried chicken, we all know which one is actually going to go in my mouth.
So I am back to, “I wish food sucked!” Life would be much easier if bad food did not exist. For those of you who can eat all you want and stay the same weight, “I secretly hate you!” Ha ha! I don’t really hate you but it felt good to say that. For all of you who can relate to me, I feel your pain. I wake up every day knowing that if I want dinner followed by a delicious dessert, I will be spending a minimum of an hour on the treadmill the next morning. I don’t, and won’t, ever deprive myself of delicious foods. For me it’s, “Exercise of be Fat,” and since I like to eat, the gym has become my best friend. I don’t know how to start a day without a workout. I don’t promote a chip guzzling, cookie crunching, butter overdosing lifestyle, where you eat whatever you want and join a gym to make your reckless eating habits OK. That is not my point. I do make healthy choices 75% of the time. I count my calories most days and I like nutritious foods. I make the effort to keep a fridge and pantry stocked with good for me stuff. I pay attention to what I eat and make sure it offers the nutritional value that my body needs. I buy organic and fresh foods which are helpful since my ability to portion control is nonexistent. Because I make an effort to eat right a majority of the time, I don’t deprive myself of splurging here and there on delicious foods that keep me full-figured.
I can’t say it enough, “I wish food sucked!” At least if all food tasted plain and boring, I would eat only for the purpose of refueling and survival. If celery sticks satisfied me the same way a Butterfinger did at the movies, I would not have to sweat for what feels like forever at the gym. It blows that I have to work-out hard to have some mouth watering pleasures. I think it’s an unnecessary evil. It’s obviously not going away so I accept it and keep plugging at my goal to lose fifteen pounds this year. I am only about three pounds down, so I have to get cracking.
PS: The first person who can invent a nutrition packed bowl of carrots, peas and beans that taste like a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Cake Batter Ice Cream will truly be a zillionaire. I will buy stock in it for sure!