Positive thoughts can change your life…

Angelism: “Life can’t get you down if your positive thoughts lift you up!”

Recently a courageous friend on Facebook, who is struggling with new challenges in life, asked if I could write about positive thoughts and how it relates to healing. I was thrilled that this came up as a subject of choice. I’m happy to write about something I believe strongly in. The idea is that thoughts create and control our reality.
When I was younger, in my teenage years and early twenties, I never thought much about what I said or did. I knew I was happy, I liked having fun, and I felt very fortunate. Through life experiences, friends and family dramas, relationship lows, deaths and financial constraints, I have confirmed for myself that every situation is as good or bad as I allow it to be in my head. Every experience can be embraced, accepted, and made sense of, if I manage it correctly in my mind. I shape the outcome of every experience. It starts with my thoughts and ends with my commitment to maintain the positive thoughts and delete the negative ones.
It is easy to be a downer. Many of us go day after day complaining about the bad driver in front of us, not having enough time, scared about our unloving companion, frustrated from our nagging family and friends, and infuriated because of the increasing prices and bad economy. We fill our space and energy with something we know we have in common with every human in existence -the ability to complain. Complaining is a given. Stand next to someone in Starbucks and if you so much as roll your eyes or suggest in any way that it’s taking forever, the person behind you will likely say, “It’s annoying, they are always slow here.”
What would it take to be positive? How hard is it for you? People across the world are becoming more aware of the gift of a good attitude. The idea that you become your thoughts is proving to be true. With books like, The Secret, The Power of Now, and A Complaint Free World, we are reassured that positive thoughts result in a good outcome. You think about what you want, you vision it, and you get it. Controlling your mind to think in a way that is beneficial to you, and being aware of your words so that you no longer speak in a disrespectful way towards yourself, can really pay off.
So does positive thinking have the ability to heal us? YES. Many doctors agree that an ill patient who has a positive attitude and a strong will to fight, is going to do better than the patient who takes the news of an illness to heart and sees it as a life sentence. Doctors have confirmed that the major contributors to maintaining good health and removing disease from the body is a positive, hopeful and determined outlook from the patient. Words that you speak to yourself become a reality, so an ill person who speaks positively towards their body during a crisis, can actually reverse the negative situation creating quality health and healing for their body and mind.
Now chances are if you have just been diagnosed with breast cancer you are not going to run home and start talking words of gratitude about your situation. Every major negative experience deserves its moment of fear, depression and upset. However the sooner you move through those thoughts and create a plan of action to make positive changes, the healthier and stronger you will become.
If you don’t believe this concept to be true, I beg of you to give it a try. First become aware of every negative thought you say or think. Before you actually speak any harshness in this world, see if you can replace it with something beneficial and productive. Instead of complaining about the slow service at Starbucks, can you appreciate the extra time you have in line to play with the adorable baby that is in the stroller in front of you? Can you offer up a compliment to someone to fill the noise in which you would usually use to complain? Also if you have an illness, I ask that you challenge yourself to move past its limitations. Think your way out of being sick and see if you begin to feel better.
People who live with a strong mind, positive attitude and peace in their hearts have been known to practice many of the following habits. You may want to read up on these ideas individually to fully understand how all this can work for you. It’s also good to start trying some of these concepts and see if you can slowly change your life for the better.
Habits of positive people:
*Speak only kind words
*Read motivational and inspiring books
*Embrace each new day with good thoughts
*Write in a gratitude journal daily
*Live in the moment, listen and have awareness
*Be thankful for all things good and bad
*Think positively about finances and trust it will work out
*Surround yourself with joyful things; art, flowers, books, music and more
*Have goals/dreams and trust they can be achieved
*Pay it forward
*Surround yourself with love and positive people
*Meditate and exercise
*Eat well and take care of your health
*Be free of judgment
*Love yourself and feed your soul
*Respect your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones immediately
I want to thank my friend on Facebook who encouraged me to write this. I admire your willingness to give me feedback. To all of you who read this, I hope you are on this path of greatness, and if not, I encourage you to make a conscious decision today to start changing the way you think.

Basic Rules People Should Follow!

Angelism: “For some people normal is not really normal. Act appropriate or get out of my face!”

Ever wonder if people really were raised in a barn? I know I’m guilty of doing dumb, ridiculous crazy stuff occasionally but come on people. Some things are just a given and here is a list of a few rules I believe people should follow. I have some for the ladies, some for the men, and a couple for both sexes. You will be laughing if you agree. However, if you are guilty of these things don’t take it personally. I have a sharp lip and that will never change.
For the Ladies…
1) If you are over the age of 49 don’t wear pants with writing on the rear. Juicy Couture is not so juicy on your old lady behind I don’t care how great you look for your age.
2) Do not wear white pants if you have cellulite – dimples always show through.
3) If your hair has feathers you are living in the wrong decade and you look hideous. Cut it!
4) Wait to have plastic surgery. The 20-30 somethings having plastic surgery look like freaky, possessed, wax museum figures and it’s a dead give away of your insecurities.
5) Wear a bra. I don’t care if you only have raisins for boobs, keep your nipples to yourself.
6) Never call a guy first, ask him for a date first or kiss him first. Quit being desperate and let him do the work. It’s the only time he will put forth this kind of effort, trust me on this one.
7) If you don’t shave your armpits, do not wear a tank top. If you don’t shave your legs please wear pants. Thank you.
8) Quit with the lip liner. A dark line of lipstick tracing your lips with a pastel in the middle is out of style and you look like a clown.9) Stop with the crazy big eyebrows all penciled on or the bright much too long fake fingernails. You look ridiculous.

For the Men….
1) Stop scratching your balls in public – it’s gross.
2) Stop picking your nose and flicking your boogers – this is gross too!
3) Stop talking like a pervert. That hot 20 year old chick you’re drooling over would not do you if you paid her so keep dreaming.
4) Stop being lazy and do something; preferably something that doesn’t make a mess.
5) Stop hogging the remote control and read a book. Use your brain for once.
6) Stop trying to save your receding hairline. You look old regardless but with a comb-over you look old and stupid. Shave it.
7) Stop farting on people, shaking hands is a much better way of saying hello.8) Stop being a DICK! I know it makes you feel cool in the moment but not need to try and win, be the best at, and have done everything in life. Shut your trap, we know you are full of shit!

Basically, for the guys, the best rule is to simply stop acting like a kid and act like a man and maybe, just maybe, women won’t complain as much.
To Both Sexes
1) If you are large enough that you spill over the seat on a plane or in a theater, please buy another seat. I know this is a sensitive topic for many but don’t make me suffer because you can’t say, “No!” to junk food. I diet, workout and am aware of my weight every day. Your weight should not be a discomfort to me.
2) Don’t fart in a car without warning everyone in it first. Open the window while you are at it please.
3) Turn the lights off when you leave a room and the water off when you brush your teeth. Basic, environmentally friendly rules should always apply.
4) Don’t wear clothes that are too tight. If you have to lay on a bed to zip your pants or lift a roll to put something on then don’t wear it.
5) If you wear Crocs and you are not gardening I feel sorry for you and everyone  who has to be seen with you.
6) Use your blinker, it’s there for a reason.7) Look up when you are walking or talking! Stare at your cell phone some other time.

and finally….
8) Trim, trim, trim your body. Trimming is not just for trees. Most people are not interested in being naked with animals.

 


You 1st, Mate 2nd

Angelism: “Me first today!”

I know it’s hard sometimes to put yourself first but you have to. Placing more importance on your mate than on yourself is the biggest mistake a woman can make. You may think, “I am single I don’t have to worry about this,” but you do. Because depending on how long you are single, a common mistake single women make is when you finally meet someone you are truly interested in you put all your eggs in one basket. You forget what you want because you are so focused on what they want. The point here is to stay on track with your personal goals in life.
Recently my boyfriend and I were on a road trip to Vegas. A road trip is a perfect time to ask questions and talk openly about your relationship. We agreed when we started the conversation that we would be open for positive and negative feedback and that the intention of the discussion was to learn more about where we are now versus 15 years ago. It was fun and I walked away discovering a new side of my boyfriend and loving him even more. The moment I remember most was when I asked him what three things he found attractive about me. He responded, “Your confidence, your fun energy, and the fact that you’re so passionate.” I was instantly overjoyed.
I can honestly say that I agree with my boyfriend and I’m happy he can see the good things in me. I put effort into living a positive life every day and I can only do this by putting me 1st! The reward and recognition you get when you take time for your soul is amazing. You can’t give to others unless you give to yourself, and putting you first doesn’t make you a bad woman – it makes you a smart one. You will have nothing to give if you burn yourself out meeting others’ needs before meeting your own.
End of day, my confidence glows. I appreciate the skin I’m in and I love me despite my imperfections. I have energy because I take time for myself. I exercise often which is a natural drug, I make time to connect with my mate and my friends, and I am committed to a job that I love. Life is exciting and the endorphins simply take over. I’m very committed to this I love, and it’s because I put myself first that I can enjoy life.
I have only had very few relationships with men that I would say are valid. I consider all the other boyfriends practice. Sorry guys. My first marriage was when I was 20. I was young, confused and I put the man first because I thought that’s how it worked. He was in the military and had many career needs. Before I knew it I had no idea who I was, or what I was doing. All I knew was that I had to make sure he was happy, that his needs were met, and that he had his way. Let’s just say when his happiness ran out, mine did too. There I was, stuck in his world, and in that moment it felt like life was over. 
Now 20 years later, and in a long-lasting healthy and vibrant relationship, I am so grateful to know who I am and how I got here. I was single for over two years after my marriage ended. During that time I stayed away from men, I focused on me, discovered what my needs were, made time to explore my womanhood and had fun. It was this turning point that led to one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever known. And even though I love my boyfriend dearly, I still, 16 years later, put me 1st. The fact is that anything can happen and if he is not around someday I have to continue to be confident, strong and comfortable standing in my own skin. So the lesson here is,”You 1st, Mate 2nd,” no matter what. 

Two Sides of My Soul

Angelism: “I choose happy because happy is a choice.”

Today I bring up an interesting topic, a way of looking inside your soul that you may have not thought of before. I have always felt that I have two lives. You might be thinking that I’m living in the dark under two different names not sure of who I am. Not the case. However I have discovered that I have a bad life and a good life. I’m well aware of my existence and the twists and turns it’s taken, but what I’m most fascinated with is my ability to choose one life over the other. It’s as if my soul knows the feeling of two personalities but chooses one.
I was raised by a variety of people. My parents, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, extended family, acquaintances in the workplace, and friends, all played a part in the person that I have become. Books and prayer have also influenced me at certain times in my life. Even TV has helped my personality grow. Thanks to kind-hearted individuals like Oprah, I believe that the world can be a better place. It’s these relationships and experiences that have helped mold me to think the way I do and for that I am ever so grateful.
I’ve learned that the world is filled with two kinds of people: the positive (uppers) and the negative (downers). No matter how hard I try to be good, I’ll always be surrounded by someone or something that wants to bring me down. I know that it’s my choice to live one of these two ways. Unfortunately, good and bad things happen regardless of my efforts. It can be challenging to get through the day when you know it’s all up to chance and that what’s here one minute, could be gone the next.
Because of my consistent happy and outgoing personality, I don’t get much sympathy from others. This is mainly my doing because I don’t seek it. If there is a problem, I find a solution. I don’t dwell for long nor do I bring others down with me. Since I have the ability to manage life without much comfort from others, what many people don’t realize is that I have been broken. Not just a few hits here and there, but truly emotionally and physically damaged. I can think of handfuls of events that got me so low I’m surprised I’m still standing. Life has brought me loss, pain, misfortune, anxiety, conflict, stress and disappointment. I have been let down, forgotten, lied to, mistreated, disowned and crapped on by people I cared for and trusted. In past moments of pure disappointment, I have acted evil and said and done things I am not proud of. I can easily wake up every day and dwell in my misery if I wanted to.
On the flip side I know I’m an amazing person. I have been blessed in numerous ways and any negative experience I have had, has taught me an important lesson. Many of the people who have let me down, have also lifted me up. That’s what I hold onto. I have experienced love, praise, support, commitment, fun, intimacy and adventure. I have people who truly believe in me and stand by all that I do. My family and friends, who I hold so dear, have proven that no matter what gets in the way nothing will break our bond. When I think of these positive moments in my life, times of pure laughter and joy, I am carried. I think, “How dare I ever put energy elsewhere.” Happy is my home and my heart. I have the gift of joy because I decided long ago to use my energy to love people and life and set boundaries with those who let me down and are a negative force. My faith, trust, love and vulnerability confirm for me that no matter what happens – life is good.
So how does one get through the confusion of good versus evil, love versus hate, rich versus poor, friend versus enemy and luck versus jinxed? The way I see it is you can be a victim or a hero. When you are a victim, a downer, or a negative person, everything you think and do comes out through you with a negative, mistrusting force. A victim believes life isn’t fair. They can’t maintain relationships or nurture healing. Their walls are so high that no matter how hard you try, you keep ending up in the same dysfunctional situations. Their dramatic, disrespectful and rude behavior gets the best of them. I understand this dark, ugly place. I have been there and know people who live there full-time. Many times I have asked, “Why must it be so hard? Why must you kick me when I’m down? Why don’t people understand and respect me?” I can go on for days with desperate questions that have no answers or I can embrace the positive side of my soul that heals all wounds. One of my favorite Angelisms quotes says, “I choose happy because happy is a choice.” Since happy is a choice, I want to appreciate my life and celebrate its ups and downs. I know in my heart and in my mind that this is the way life should be.
It’s easy to get lost in life, feel confused about emotions and wonder why you always get the short end of the stick. It’s easier to go with the crowd or side with those that are dramatic and negative than to take a stand for a positive thought. Gossip always comes quicker than praise. What’s even easier is to beat people to the punch. You might figure if you can point out your flaws and life struggles before they do, then it will hurt less. Most of us have a problem looking at ourselves in the mirror and being wholeheartedly proud of what we see. The result of that is living in anger and disappointment which doesn’t lead to a happy soul.
Some people would love to walk a day in my shoes and others would not try on a pair if I paid them. The important thing for me is knowing which pair of shoes to wear in this life. I can wallow in the 5-inch heels that cripple me, cause pains in my legs, feet and knees, and show something to others that I’m not proud of, or I can choose to wear my sneakers. I know for sure that it’s in my sneakers I am comfortable, free spirited and ready to soak in all that the world has to offer.
I understand the struggles of having the Devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other. I, like many of you, have to pick which life to make my story. I won’t pretend that I wake up on the right side of the bed every morning. Those of you who follow my BLOGS know I like to complain and vent a time or two. No matter how tough a day in my life can get, at the end of the day I know I’m at peace. What I choose is what’s right for me. I make every effort to live my life with respect, honesty, love and heartfelt consideration. Many of my decisions are driven by my desire to have fun and be a free spirit. My life, if I analyze it, can go either way; victim or hero, good or bad, positive or negative. As you have learned, my soul chooses happy so I am my own hero. Which life do you choose?

Why Argue?

Angelism: “Tighten your tongue or you will pay the price.”

 

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a home where verbal and physical fighting was non-existent. My mom and dad created an environment for me that was safe, respectful and peaceful – the best gifts parents can give to a child. They were not perfect by any means but the “No fighting” expectation was enforced. My Dad never raised his voice and whenever my mom and I disagreed, we would walk away until dad came home to play the mediator. I’m grateful for this sense of calm and structure in my life. I rarely meet people who know how to communicate when upset. People have a need to yell, be right, justify and judge in a loud, argumentative way in order to feel better about themselves.

Arguing leads to nothing but hurt and pain for both sides. Show me someone who likes to fight and I will show you an unhappy person. People who argue often have huge egos they can’t manage. Someone who likes to fight will hang up on you, yell and scream at you regardless of who’s around, and walk away from you with a hand in the air shouting “Eff off!” In turn these fight or flight people blame you for the disagreement, immediately send you nasty emails and texts to continue the argument, and display a variety of emotions when verbally vomiting on you. This kind of person will quickly rally a “my side” troop of people to agree and justify their behavior so they don’t look crazy and so they feel better about themselves. If you have done this before, possibly numerous times, then you need to analyze why you behave so inappropriately in an argument. If you have friends or a mate like this, I wish you luck!
There are times where people get heated and passionate about something and there is no other way to express their point of view than to get loud. When you believe strongly on an issue and go the extra mile to stick up for it, then that’s respectable and appropriate. These disagreements are acceptable, however they should be few and far between. These fights should be shocking and outside your character, not common for you. If you have calm in your life and rarely argue then KUDOS to you.
Now for all my fighters out there; all of you who argue for the sake of arguing, intentionally draw attention in a disrespectful manner, or seek that need inside to be right – “Stop it!” If you are often in defense mode, I ask, “Are you truly happy?” Probably not. Get over yourself! Nobody wants to hear it so stop the aggression. Make a goal today to quit being ridiculous while wasting your precious moments constantly trying to prove your point. No need to take out your unhappiness on others.
I often hear women discussing how they got in another fight with their man. Do you ever find yourself fighting over the same topic again and again? Ladies, either you stand firm on an issue and expect a change or you surrender the need to argue about it and simply accept him for who he is. For example, do you get mad every day because each night after dinner he “forgets” to take out the trash? When he does this do you go full speed yelling at him about how you do everything and he can’t even take out the trash? What a loser! You either need to, (A) embrace the fact that your man is careless and make a change that effects him in the hopes that he will change, or (B), if you are always sacrificing for him, then take one or two things away that you know he loves. Say for example that he loves your cooking. Tell him, “I have decided I will only cook dinner on the days you take out the trash. I’m feeling resentful about your lack of participation and this will make me feel better about doing things for you.” If he gets mad, keep your cool, state your point one last time and move on. Your job is to stick to your statement. If he doesn’t take out the trash then you eat your thing and he can eat his homemade PB&J’s and Top Ramen for as long as he chooses to be unhelpful. Eventually he will miss you doing things for him. If it seems like he couldn’t care less about taking out the trash, even with his no favorite foods punishment, then know it will never change so stop arguing about it. Everything is always a give and take. You can’t expect him to change but you can change and set the expectation.
There is also plenty of fighting between friends and family. Most people have high expectations from friends and family that they are unaware of. When your emotions and feelings about situations and issues get heated all you should do is express it. Don’t fight. Express your thoughts in a loving, non-confrontational way. It is of no benefit to you, or the other person, to start a screaming match. So much more can be accomplished through calm communication. The biggest lesson is to AGREE TO DISAGREE. If we were all alike our relationships would be boring. The best way to learn, grow and change, is to recognize your differences and accept them. A good friend will stick with you regardless of your disagreements. A fake friend will not. A true friend will be honest about how they are feeling. A disconnected friend will walk away from you and never look back. As for family, just because you are related does not mean you will get along. You must talk things out and have a large window of forgiveness and understanding. Relationships are successful when you embrace and nurture them instead of slamming the door and running away.
The lesson all people should learn from this topic of fighting is: If you are surrounded by people that make you angry, disappoint you, don’t show up for you, or have negative opinions about you, then maybe the arguing is a sign of your need to disconnect yourself from them. It’s hard for a non-fighter to get along with a fighter. Some people feel more alive picking fights and creating drama, which is great for them. If that’s not you, then a friendship or relationship with that kind of person will not last. Let fighters hang with fighters so they can act ridiculous together. If you have a higher expectation for yourself, then make a goal today to fight less. When you do fight, journal it. Anytime you catch yourself getting annoyed and engaging in a discussion that is not addressing or solving an issue you must be in the moment and have full mental awareness. Ask yourself the following questions:
1) Why am I mad?
2) Why am I having the thoughts I am having?
3) When did my anger start?
4) Who started the fight?
5) Why could I not stay calm and walk away?
6) What did the other person do to get me to this point? How did I feel?
7) What did I say that I regret?
8) Is this the first time I am mad about this topic or one of the many times?
9) What are my thoughts now that I am calm about the situation?
10) Should I apologize?
11) Can I accept their apology?
12) How can I prevent this kind of fight from happening again?
13) Have things changed?
14) On a level of 1-10 (1 = no biggie, 10 = divorce) how bad was this fight?
15) Was I responsible with this fight or did I gossip with others making this person look bad?
16) Can I make a change that will make this situation better for the relationship?
These are questions you can answer and log in a journal so you can become more aware of your fighting behavior. For some of you, this topic may not be an issue. But for many, fighting is a way of life. The only way to change this is to make the change within yourself. Take ownership for your part in fights. Become aware and establish peace, quality and love in all your relationships.

Get and Keep a MAN!

Angelism: “If you desire love & a relationship but you spend your days busy with work, family & friends you will end up alone. Make flirting, dating & getting to know people a priority so you can find the soulmate that you crave.” 

Is dating a nightmare for you? Are you the bootie call girl? Have you not had sex in years because you are too scared you will take all the wrong steps and end up in another bad relationship? If yes, this BLOG is for you. The list below are the steps (in order) to help you get and keep a man. Follow this process with a man that interests you from the very beginning and I bet that you will find a relationship that will last longer than 3 months. No more being the girl that can’t keep a guy. Step up your game and make yourself a trophy worth winning and being proud of. Any man who can’t handle this process is not worth keeping. Here goes… it won’t be easy but finding a good love never is.
1) Always let the man ask for your phone number and let him call you. This is the absolute first most important thing to do. If a man is interested he will ask for your number, he will call you, and he will set up a date. Never call him first, and only call to return a phone call. When you return a phone call YOU ONLY CALL ONCE. If he doesn’t call back then move on. Don’t tell yourself stories that he may not have gotten the message. Please don’t give a man your number if you are not interested. Just as you don’t want your time wasted, don’t waste his. If you are worried no man will ever ask for your number feel free to flirt and show interest in a man to give him the hint that you are attracted to him but that’s as far as you go. If they ask for your number and a date great! If not move on and flirt with someone else. 
2) When he does call you, sound interested but not desperate. There is a difference. Responding, “It’s nice to hear from you,” is showing interest. Responding, “I’ve been wondering if you were going to call,” sounds desperate. Once a man senses you’re desperate he will become uninterested and will likely only hook up with you because he can take you for the roller coaster ride of late night bootie calls. He will show you little attention and you will want him anyway because you are needy for that attention. He knows this and it should be no surprise to you if you get treated this way. Expect more, show interest, but let him make the moves.
3) Never ask him on a date. Don’t even mention dating on the phone if you can prevent it. Talk with him and if the call ends with no date planned, that is OK. Keep him guessing. He will likely call back and schedule a date once he gets a vibe from your conversation. Again, if he is interested he will call you! Don’t be in a rush or be pushy. If he asks for you to call him, tell him you prefer that he calls you. Give him a reason to fill a need of yours and meet your expectation. Asking that he calls you is easily achievable for him and respectful to you.
4) If you do go on a date, be prepared. Know where you are going, how you should be dressed, tell a friend your location so that someone knows your whereabouts and don’t look trashy. It is OK to dress sophisticated or a little sexy but don’t show up with it all hanging out. Begging for attention by the use of your body sends the wrong message. You should have more to offer than that, like your personality, goals, accomplishments and beliefs. Think about this ladies. If you are looking for a soul mate, someone that you will spend the rest of your life with, they need to love you for your mind because your body is not going to look hot forever.
5) On a date take mental notes of things you have in common. Is this really someone you could like/ love? Are you attracted to him? Ask questions to get to know him. Make conversation interactive. It should not be all about him nor should it be all about you. The whole point of dating and courting is to get to know one another to see if this person has compatibility with you. If you feel there is nothing in common, you will be grateful you didn’t dress provocatively and give him the wrong idea. You can kindly wrap up the date and say, “Thank you for a nice evening out.” 
6) NEVER, EVER, EVER have sex with a man on the first date. This is always a bad choice and often ruins something that can be good. Of course all men want to “do it” all the time, whenever they can however they are more proud and respectful of a woman when they need to earn her love. Let him prove to you that he has what it takes for you to be intimate with him. You call the shots. Your sex is a gift that should be given a little later. A gift of trust, respect and promise that this relationship has what it takes to go to the next level. Make it important and special.
7) Always have safe sex. If you want peace of mind for the two of you, get on some form of birth control immediately. I think if you are comfortable with the birth control pill and you are dating and having sex, you should use birth control to avoid any accidents. One wild night can really screw up your path. Also, and this is the hardest one for most people, GET TESTED. I know for me, I will not sleep with a man that won ‘t get tested. I don’t want an STD. I have known too many people who have gotten the gift that keeps on giving like AIDS and Herpes. Protecting your body is your job not his. He can wrap it up in a condom and assume it will be OK but if that rubber breaks guess what girlfriend? You are screwed. What if he has had 3-5 partners since the last time he was tested? All it takes is one partner and anything is possible. Be safe. Be smart. Be responsible. Going and getting tested together within the first month can create a bond. Plus it sets a standard of pride, intimacy and monogamy in your relationship. It works, trust me. As far as I am concerned if he says, “NO,” to your request to get tested he is a high risk guy to be involved with. 
8) When you do have sex for the first time you should be comfortable enough to really let yourself go. You know that you put in the time to get to know him, he has proved his interest in you by courting you and giving you his quality attention, you confirmed that the both of you are clean and STD free and you have a plan to prevent a pregnancy scare. Now you can go for it! Let it all hang out. Think of how great that night will be if you have waited and worked on connecting first as spiritual beings not sexual beings. I can have an orgasm just thinking about that amazing moment. 
9) Once you guys are dating, committed and having sex, always communicate. Make time to get to know each other’s friends and family. Make love a goal and a priority. Always keep him guessing. Have your independence outside of him. Make your own friends, work at your personal hobbies and follow your passions that are for you, not influenced by him. This will keep him intrigued and interested in constantly getting to know you.
10) Smile and be happy, you have landed yourself a loving relationship that has a solid start!
These are steps that have proven to work for me. When I used them, I was successful in landing a good man. When I have not used them, I made a mess out of dating. I know this is hard to process, almost seems impossible. This approach takes about 4-6 weeks. Waiting 4-6 weeks before having sex is not that much time when the result of that time taken to get to know one another will lead to a high quality, safe and intimate bond. If everything you are currently doing is not working for you then try this. It does not hurt to have a goal to be responsible and respectful about dating. This way is not the only way to land a man however it’s a respectful way to approach your dating habits. It will lead you to the right kind of man for you. That’s not to say you will find love that lasts forever. No matter how hard we try we never know if love will last forever. If you find a good love, started by a strong bond such as the one you can create while practicing these behaviors, your companionship stands a better chance of lasting through the years. This list is a way to hold yourself accountable and have a higher expectation so you can weed out the losers and find the man that will step up and stand out. Good luck!

80:20 Relationship Rule

Angelism: “Always remember that LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If you are not happy the majority of the time then have the strength & the confidence to move on.”

Many people suffer from dramatic, stressful, overwhelming and dysfunctional relationships. We date, fall in love, move in with, marry, and have children with a partner that over time has more qualities that annoy us than excite us. It happens every day. How realistic is it that you can live with one person for the rest of your life? What are the chances that if you do stay with your mate, “Until death do you part,” that you truly will want to be with them 60 years later? Do women settle because 10, 20, 30+ years into a relationship they believe it would be too difficult to leave and start over? For most, it seems easier to stay and finish out a mediocre life together. Do you stand by your companion after the lies, cheating, resentment and anger takes place? How do you put your emotions into perspective? How do you know if you are genuinely upset or simply letting the little day to day annoyances add up? The best way to discover the answer to these many questions is by using my 80:20 relationship rule.
So you ask, “What is an 80:20 relationship rule?” For me it’s 80% happy and 20% challenging. This grading scale helps me to analyze the quality of my relationship. If I have to live with someone, I have to enjoy more good times than bad. I must feel like the difficulties that we face are manageable because the majority of the time our relationship is strong. Here is my simple guide to get realistic about your relationship. It may seem strange to give your couple-hood a score, however I assure you by checking in often to see where you stand, your overall well-being will benefit.
90:10
If 90% of the time or more, you feel your relationship is smooth sailing, then kudos to you, you have found something solid. I consider this to be the range of EXCELLENCE. This range is ideal. If you spend the majority of your relationship in this zone there is not much that the two of you won’t be able to conquer. This is a bond of happiness, joy, gratitude, friendship and great chemistry. Chances are this couple dates regularly, listens to one another, never goes to bed mad, and is always thinking of their partner in a positive light. Pat yourself on the back if you feel this intense about your relationship, especially after the seven year mark. If you achieved 90:10, fantastic! Keep up the good work.
80:20
If 80% of the time or more you feel that your relationship is solid, then you are in what I consider the GOOD zone. I feel that most happy and healthy relationships spend the majority of their days in this percent range. The sense of security you get from feeling that 80% of the time you are a strong couple, with the same likes, goals and expectations, makes you confident that the 20% of conflicting times will be manageable. Disagreements may take longer to resolve in this range, since frustration is usually due to stubbornness or an unwillingness to see the others point of view. This type of behavior and response to one another is likely what keeps you out of the 90% range. Be proud though, this is a zone where trust is high, infidelity has likely not happened, and chemistry is strong. The 20% of conflict that you face probably comes from day to day annoyances, lack of sleep or sex, raising children, dealing with family or managing financial struggles. In this range I encourage women to never flip out and give up on their partner. This range is safe and will get you through the tough times if you make the effort to patch the bumps in the road as they come up.
70:30
This range I consider the RED FLAG zone. If you are at 70% happy, 30% challenged in your relationship, you have bigger problems that will likely lead to more issues. When you have fallen to a 70:30 you are at risk. Something is off or not being expressed between the two of you. Maybe one or both of you are not communicating. Avoiding one another is a regular thing in this zone, date nights and fun are far and few, and fights break out regularly, often going unresolved. The relationship is no longer a priority and you are letting other things get in the way of your love and happiness. I believe that once you hit 70%, if you can’t pull out of it quickly and resolve the issue then seek a good therapist if you want to continue together. All people want happiness whether they know how to achieve it or not. When in this range couples are at risk for infidelity, lies, lack of communication and opposing opinions. Anger and resentment take over and love is lost as the years pass. If you don’t catch and recover a relationship when it enters this zone, the downward spiral will begin.
Anything under 70%, for me, is not worth saving. Would you give your child, friend or neighbor, advice to settle for only being happy 70% or less of the time? No one would promote that. It is not rewarding and will wreck your heart and soul. You must have faith at all times that you deserve the best. Good relationships are all around us and many of us are currently in one relationship but too blind and jaded to appreciate it. People would rather hold onto the resentments, baggage and victimization, allowing their walls and fears to ruin a potential loving relationship and future with a kind person.***I wrote this blog six years ago but it holds true! People don’t break up or get divorced because they are happy. It is no shock to me that the Brangelina relationship is ending. When people are not happy, they eventually move on. I wish them luck and am placing bets on how long it will be before Jenn Aniston and Brad Pitt are caught hanging out together again.

 


Don’t Sleep w/ People You Don’t Know!

Angelism: “Sex is just sex. Dating is the process of falling in love. Casual sex before dating will likely lead to no dates just booty calls. Sorry.”
When is the right time to have sex? This question has many women confused. Plenty of you are being taken advantage of by men, settling for whatever is available in the moment, and hoping it will lead to some lasting relationship. I mean it when I say, “Don’t sleep with people you don’t know!” If you are on a first date, there is no way you have a clue who this person is so keep your legs closed and your shirt on. If you make it to a second date, there is still no chance you have any idea what this man’s past looks like or what lies he may be telling you. If you land a third date, he may actually LIKE you so don’t act easy and give it up. You may think you have shown confidence and pride by holding out until the third date, however I think it’s too early to hand out a free ride. You will never convince me that after three dates you know or love a person enough to sleep with them. You can have an idea about someone but if you have sex, it’s essentially with a stranger. 
It’s a rarity that someone truly knows a partner after three months of dating. If you were unaware of this concept before now, take note that getting to know someone requires time. Quit being in such a rush. Do not give up your golden ticket, box, hoo-hoo, beaver, chi-chi, va-jay-jay or whatever you like to call it. Your love is the greatest gift you can give a man and it should not be given out to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Have some self respect and make a man earn your love. Casual sex is great if you can handle it, but many of you can’t and are looking for love and getting nothing but douche bags because you are too busy giving out FREE rides! 
This is very serious topic for me. I do not mean to come off harsh but this one-night stand, heartbreak and low self-esteem cycle women go through needs to end. Sleeping with guy after guy and going nowhere in a relationship can’t be satisfying. Many of you don’t sleep around much but still give it up immediately with the few men you date. What are you thinking? A REAL MAN likes a chase. His only goal is to earn your love. He wants to work for your attention because that is what turns him on. To do this you have to hold out on sex. You have to give him a reason to want to get to know you first. If you give him sex right away, he will either think you are easy and he won’t call you back, or he will only call you back for a booty-call. Neither of these options are going to get you a shiny diamond ring and a wedding date. Next time you are on a date remember this Angelism, “If you don’t know him, don’t sleep with him.” 
I want to clarify that I think casual sex is fine. Many people can meet once and have a sexcapade that they will remember the rest of their life. That’s great! Have one for me while you are at it. This blog is for all the women who are looking for love but making dumb, desperate, single girl mistakes. It’s not to say that people can’t fall in love and marry after sleeping together on a first date. Crazier things have happened. I speak from experience when I say, “Let the man have an opportunity to hunt you down. Make him want you, be curious about you, be into you, like you, listen to you and fall madly in love with you.” After all, this is the best part of a relationship. It’s after the dating sex and the, “I do,” that the real work begins. Enjoy the chase, expect it, and promise me, “You will not sleep with people you don’t know!”

Are you a Doormat?

Angelism: “Respect will be given to those who give respect in return. Love will be shared with those who know how to share love in return. Time will be spent with those who know how to give quality time in return. Relationships are two sided, if both people are not contributing fairly, it’s not worth the time or effort to try to make it work.”

 

“Are you a doormat?” This is a tough question to answer. Many women don’t want to admit that they get walked on as often as a doormat. It saddens me how often women are being taken advantage of. It’s not just by your partner or husband, women across the world are getting walked on by their children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, friends and family. Why is this?
Women have a hard time saying, “NO!” Women want to be everything to everybody. The perfect Mother, the loving daughter, the compassionate friend, the giving spouse, the considerate neighbor, the happy co-worker and the fun family member. This is a lot of hats to wear. There are not enough hours in the day to put on this many faces. To solve this problem women must learn to say, “No.” Start this shift by saying, “No,” more often than saying, “Yes.” People say, “No!” all the time and the world never stops moving forward. Quit feeling guilty or like you will miss out on something and start setting your boundaries so you can enjoy your life.
My biggest concern is for the women being a doormat to men. So often these tired, abused and lonely women write in to me explaining their verbal and physical abuse. Many of you are being played and stomped on daily. You feel like a slave in your own home. You must make it stop! It is your job as a human here on earth, to set a standard of respect for yourself. You are a gift, finding joy in life is an absolute necessity. Set the expectation and teach others to step up and give you what you deserve. If you are doing laundry, cleaning house, running errands, taking care of the kids, cooking meals, buying gifts, making plans, keeping in touch, balancing the budget, managing the schedule, caring for the pets, doing the grocery shopping, running the household maintenance, working towards a career and your man is kicking back on the couch relaxing from a hard days work while bossing you around and eating the meal you cooked, then you need to wake up and make a change. It’s one thing if you have the time and you committed to do these things because you enjoy them, but if it’s expected, I think you should take a look in the mirror because your image might just resemble that of a doormat. Actually a doormat may be in better condition than you.
If you are working this hard I know you are feeling resentful, tired, unappreciated, misunderstood, unloved, disrespected, deprived of attention, lost, confused, forgetful, unhealthy and possibly physically ill. There is no way to feel a sense of happiness and calm when you are burning out your batteries 24/7. You have to slow down and take ownership for putting yourself in this predicament. You have to make the change and decide what you want and what you deserve. Don’t settle.
So why do women let this happen to them? One reason is by nature women are caretakers. We feel like we want to do everything, make life better for those around us, keep the peace and take control so things get done right and our way. I say, “It doesn’t matter how the dishes or laundry gets put away as long as it’s done and I did not have to do it!” The other reason is a lack of self-respect and confidence. Women who were not given attention growing up, had a negative experience with sex, got made fun of, struggled with grades in school or were told throughout life that they were less than, grow up and take all the attention they can get. This is a huge problem because usually it’s negative attention. Hurt, angry, depressed, dysfunctional women are welcoming negative forces in their life because that’s all they know. Happiness in their mind is not an option. They actually expect to get hurt going into every situation even if it won’t turn out that way. They create the negative energy while relationships are going good. Many women fear happiness because being hurt after sharing love and joy with someone will be more painful than getting hurt by a negative situation.
My hope is that after you read this you will think about what kind of a person you are. Are you a doormat to your mate? Are you a doormat to your parents, family or friends? Anyone can take advantage of you. If you leave your door wide open all the time, I promise the takers will walk in by the dozen. Not being able to set boundaries and say, “No,” shows that you are a weak person. It shows your lack of confidence in standing up for what you know is right. It displays your desperate need to be loved and fit in no matter how people treat you. These are not the characteristics a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman wants to put into the universe.
Take a moment to think of those in your life who are the takers. Analyze why you allow them to treat you that way. Plan how you can make a change for the better. With awareness and commitment, you can change the way people treat you. If there are negative forces in your life, separate from them. Keep a safe distance so that they can’t bring you down into their dark cloud if misery. Hold your head high and be your biggest fan everyday. Only then can you give back real, unconditional, feel good love to others.

Tips for a Good Relationship

Angelism: “Always remember LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If that feeling is not there the majority of the time, move on. If you do feel the love, buckle up and enjoy the ride!”

 
In a few weeks I will be celebrating my 17th anniversary. Not all 17 years have been a walk in the park but they have not been awful either. Many relationships thrive on the bad. I am proud to say that mine excels because of the good. We are not married, and that is our choice. We have lived together 16+ years, we don’t have children, and we still enjoy dating like we did in the beginning. He is 38, I’m 40, and after 17 years of love, we are look forward to our future together. In case any of you are interested in what has worked for us, here are some of my personal tips for a successful relationship.
1) Communicate, communicate, communicate. We were not always good at this and at the 7 year mark we were not doing this successfully. With some professional guidance, our love kept us together and we were able to learn how to get back on the same page and communicate. Without quality, honest communication, your relationship is doomed. With good communication you learn about individual needs and then you can come together to meet those needs. Only when you know what each other wants can you decide if you are a good match.
2) Sex, sex, and more sex. An intimate relationship is key to keeping it interesting. You have to desire your partner. They need to feel like they are the only one for you. You have to kiss, hug, pinch, leave love notes, plan for some wild nights out and enjoy one another in an intimate way. You don’t have to swing from the ceiling, dress in bondage, and do uncomfortable freaky things to get your partner’s attention; but you have to want them. If you don’t someone else will.
3) Play, play, play! Go on dates. Make time to laugh. Be in a good mood more often than a bad one. Find time to have fun. Take vacations or a quick one night getaway. Schedule a babysitter and plan a date. Take a stroll through the park and chase each other. Play a board game and whoever loses has to do whatever the winner wants. There are so many easy ways to be playful with your partner. Having a fun attitude about life will keep things light and exciting.
4) Love, love, love. Never fall out of love. Get mad, have your moments, and take time to breathe through them. Don’t let your mind take over what your heart wants. Your mind will always make a bigger deal out of something than it is. Your heart will do what’s right, if you listen to it. When your mind thinks the love is not strong enough and your relationship is not worth it, take time. Most often you are in love and you don’t want to leave but you are having a rough moment. If you know in your heart your love is good, don’t give up on it.
5) Grow, grow, grow. Grow together always. Life will change, family will interfere, and illness and financial stresses will consume you. Make a commitment to the relationship to grow through the ups and downs together. Change is inevitable. Embrace it and come together when faced with change rather than falling apart. Couple-hood means negotiating so that you can compromise and grow together.
6) Support, support, support. Give support and you will get it in return. Not every decision will be agreed upon. Support your partner when a change needs to happen. If it’s going back to school, quitting a job, moving to a new town, losing weight, or even changing one’s appearance, support one another. You must be your mates #1 fan.
7) Freedom, freedom, freedom. Give your lover freedom. Not everything needs to be done together. Having time apart will bring you closer together. Putting restrictions on what your mate can and can’t do, is going to scare them away. Plus, trying to control what your partner does, and who they hang out with, only shows how insecure you are which is incredibly unattractive. Freedom from always having to be around to entertain each other helps a relationship mature.
8) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. We all have some kind of expectation. Some are realistic and others are demanding and unnecessary. If you have wants and needs express them, set a boundary and stick to it. For example: “I have dated and lived with you for two years. I want to be married. If we can’t get married by end of next year, I can’t stay in this relationship anymore.” That’s a clear, respectable boundary, that is realistic in its time frame. If your partner can’t step up and give you what you want, you leave. The only way to ever get what you want, is to set a boundary and stick to it. This is how you can be taken seriously.
9) Trust, trust, trust. Giving your partner your trust is a true gift. Have faith that your lover will show up for you. Trust that they have your best interest at heart. Trust that you are the only one for them. Trust that they tell the truth. Give trust and don’t look for reasons or clues to mistrust. If you have to take it to the level of investigating, sneaking around and trying to catch your mate in a lie, then you have no business being with that person. You should never have to check a cell phone, spy on emails, read through bank accounts or follow your mate. Either you trust, or you leave. I have a whole blog on this. Trust is a must! 
10) Listen, listen, listen. I have to admit I am not the best listener. This is something I had to learn the hard way. Since I always feel I have the better plan, something smarter to say, or more knowledge on a topic, I often offer up commentary but don’t always listen to feedback. I have gotten much better at this in the last couple of years. Listening allows you to follow up later on the same topics and be in the know about them. Doing this will make your partner feel important, heard and validated. Say less, and listen more. It really works.
These are my top 10 tips for a great relationship. When you get to a place of incorporating all these tips, the relationship becomes easy. The relationship ends up working for you rather than you working for the relationship. Don’t make love more complicated than it is. My hope for all is that you find the love you always dreamed of. That what you experience in a relationship is joy, happiness, calm and trust; not anxiety, hate, anger and mistrust. It is possible. You decide when you get into a relationship what it will look like and what is acceptable. The power is in your hands.
P.S. Final thought… Life is NOT a fantasy so quit dreaming. Not all relationships are built to last forever. That is the goal but not always the outcome. Enjoy the moment and appreciate what you have today. I don’t know that the love I have today will be here 10 years from now. If it is, great! If it’s not meant to last, then that’s OK too. When you surrender the fairytale fantasy, you take a lot of pressure off your relationship and can enjoy it one day at a time!