Are you a Doormat?

Angelism: “Respect will be given to those who give respect in return. Love will be shared with those who know how to share love in return. Time will be spent with those who know how to give quality time in return. Relationships are two sided, if both people are not contributing fairly, it’s not worth the time or effort to try to make it work.”

 

“Are you a doormat?” This is a tough question to answer. Many women don’t want to admit that they get walked on as often as a doormat. It saddens me how often women are being taken advantage of. It’s not just by your partner or husband, women across the world are getting walked on by their children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, friends and family. Why is this?
Women have a hard time saying, “NO!” Women want to be everything to everybody. The perfect Mother, the loving daughter, the compassionate friend, the giving spouse, the considerate neighbor, the happy co-worker and the fun family member. This is a lot of hats to wear. There are not enough hours in the day to put on this many faces. To solve this problem women must learn to say, “No.” Start this shift by saying, “No,” more often than saying, “Yes.” People say, “No!” all the time and the world never stops moving forward. Quit feeling guilty or like you will miss out on something and start setting your boundaries so you can enjoy your life.
My biggest concern is for the women being a doormat to men. So often these tired, abused and lonely women write in to me explaining their verbal and physical abuse. Many of you are being played and stomped on daily. You feel like a slave in your own home. You must make it stop! It is your job as a human here on earth, to set a standard of respect for yourself. You are a gift, finding joy in life is an absolute necessity. Set the expectation and teach others to step up and give you what you deserve. If you are doing laundry, cleaning house, running errands, taking care of the kids, cooking meals, buying gifts, making plans, keeping in touch, balancing the budget, managing the schedule, caring for the pets, doing the grocery shopping, running the household maintenance, working towards a career and your man is kicking back on the couch relaxing from a hard days work while bossing you around and eating the meal you cooked, then you need to wake up and make a change. It’s one thing if you have the time and you committed to do these things because you enjoy them, but if it’s expected, I think you should take a look in the mirror because your image might just resemble that of a doormat. Actually a doormat may be in better condition than you.
If you are working this hard I know you are feeling resentful, tired, unappreciated, misunderstood, unloved, disrespected, deprived of attention, lost, confused, forgetful, unhealthy and possibly physically ill. There is no way to feel a sense of happiness and calm when you are burning out your batteries 24/7. You have to slow down and take ownership for putting yourself in this predicament. You have to make the change and decide what you want and what you deserve. Don’t settle.
So why do women let this happen to them? One reason is by nature women are caretakers. We feel like we want to do everything, make life better for those around us, keep the peace and take control so things get done right and our way. I say, “It doesn’t matter how the dishes or laundry gets put away as long as it’s done and I did not have to do it!” The other reason is a lack of self-respect and confidence. Women who were not given attention growing up, had a negative experience with sex, got made fun of, struggled with grades in school or were told throughout life that they were less than, grow up and take all the attention they can get. This is a huge problem because usually it’s negative attention. Hurt, angry, depressed, dysfunctional women are welcoming negative forces in their life because that’s all they know. Happiness in their mind is not an option. They actually expect to get hurt going into every situation even if it won’t turn out that way. They create the negative energy while relationships are going good. Many women fear happiness because being hurt after sharing love and joy with someone will be more painful than getting hurt by a negative situation.
My hope is that after you read this you will think about what kind of a person you are. Are you a doormat to your mate? Are you a doormat to your parents, family or friends? Anyone can take advantage of you. If you leave your door wide open all the time, I promise the takers will walk in by the dozen. Not being able to set boundaries and say, “No,” shows that you are a weak person. It shows your lack of confidence in standing up for what you know is right. It displays your desperate need to be loved and fit in no matter how people treat you. These are not the characteristics a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman wants to put into the universe.
Take a moment to think of those in your life who are the takers. Analyze why you allow them to treat you that way. Plan how you can make a change for the better. With awareness and commitment, you can change the way people treat you. If there are negative forces in your life, separate from them. Keep a safe distance so that they can’t bring you down into their dark cloud if misery. Hold your head high and be your biggest fan everyday. Only then can you give back real, unconditional, feel good love to others.

Tips for a Good Relationship

Angelism: “Always remember LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If that feeling is not there the majority of the time, move on. If you do feel the love, buckle up and enjoy the ride!”

 
In a few weeks I will be celebrating my 17th anniversary. Not all 17 years have been a walk in the park but they have not been awful either. Many relationships thrive on the bad. I am proud to say that mine excels because of the good. We are not married, and that is our choice. We have lived together 16+ years, we don’t have children, and we still enjoy dating like we did in the beginning. He is 38, I’m 40, and after 17 years of love, we are look forward to our future together. In case any of you are interested in what has worked for us, here are some of my personal tips for a successful relationship.
1) Communicate, communicate, communicate. We were not always good at this and at the 7 year mark we were not doing this successfully. With some professional guidance, our love kept us together and we were able to learn how to get back on the same page and communicate. Without quality, honest communication, your relationship is doomed. With good communication you learn about individual needs and then you can come together to meet those needs. Only when you know what each other wants can you decide if you are a good match.
2) Sex, sex, and more sex. An intimate relationship is key to keeping it interesting. You have to desire your partner. They need to feel like they are the only one for you. You have to kiss, hug, pinch, leave love notes, plan for some wild nights out and enjoy one another in an intimate way. You don’t have to swing from the ceiling, dress in bondage, and do uncomfortable freaky things to get your partner’s attention; but you have to want them. If you don’t someone else will.
3) Play, play, play! Go on dates. Make time to laugh. Be in a good mood more often than a bad one. Find time to have fun. Take vacations or a quick one night getaway. Schedule a babysitter and plan a date. Take a stroll through the park and chase each other. Play a board game and whoever loses has to do whatever the winner wants. There are so many easy ways to be playful with your partner. Having a fun attitude about life will keep things light and exciting.
4) Love, love, love. Never fall out of love. Get mad, have your moments, and take time to breathe through them. Don’t let your mind take over what your heart wants. Your mind will always make a bigger deal out of something than it is. Your heart will do what’s right, if you listen to it. When your mind thinks the love is not strong enough and your relationship is not worth it, take time. Most often you are in love and you don’t want to leave but you are having a rough moment. If you know in your heart your love is good, don’t give up on it.
5) Grow, grow, grow. Grow together always. Life will change, family will interfere, and illness and financial stresses will consume you. Make a commitment to the relationship to grow through the ups and downs together. Change is inevitable. Embrace it and come together when faced with change rather than falling apart. Couple-hood means negotiating so that you can compromise and grow together.
6) Support, support, support. Give support and you will get it in return. Not every decision will be agreed upon. Support your partner when a change needs to happen. If it’s going back to school, quitting a job, moving to a new town, losing weight, or even changing one’s appearance, support one another. You must be your mates #1 fan.
7) Freedom, freedom, freedom. Give your lover freedom. Not everything needs to be done together. Having time apart will bring you closer together. Putting restrictions on what your mate can and can’t do, is going to scare them away. Plus, trying to control what your partner does, and who they hang out with, only shows how insecure you are which is incredibly unattractive. Freedom from always having to be around to entertain each other helps a relationship mature.
8) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. We all have some kind of expectation. Some are realistic and others are demanding and unnecessary. If you have wants and needs express them, set a boundary and stick to it. For example: “I have dated and lived with you for two years. I want to be married. If we can’t get married by end of next year, I can’t stay in this relationship anymore.” That’s a clear, respectable boundary, that is realistic in its time frame. If your partner can’t step up and give you what you want, you leave. The only way to ever get what you want, is to set a boundary and stick to it. This is how you can be taken seriously.
9) Trust, trust, trust. Giving your partner your trust is a true gift. Have faith that your lover will show up for you. Trust that they have your best interest at heart. Trust that you are the only one for them. Trust that they tell the truth. Give trust and don’t look for reasons or clues to mistrust. If you have to take it to the level of investigating, sneaking around and trying to catch your mate in a lie, then you have no business being with that person. You should never have to check a cell phone, spy on emails, read through bank accounts or follow your mate. Either you trust, or you leave. I have a whole blog on this. Trust is a must! 
10) Listen, listen, listen. I have to admit I am not the best listener. This is something I had to learn the hard way. Since I always feel I have the better plan, something smarter to say, or more knowledge on a topic, I often offer up commentary but don’t always listen to feedback. I have gotten much better at this in the last couple of years. Listening allows you to follow up later on the same topics and be in the know about them. Doing this will make your partner feel important, heard and validated. Say less, and listen more. It really works.
These are my top 10 tips for a great relationship. When you get to a place of incorporating all these tips, the relationship becomes easy. The relationship ends up working for you rather than you working for the relationship. Don’t make love more complicated than it is. My hope for all is that you find the love you always dreamed of. That what you experience in a relationship is joy, happiness, calm and trust; not anxiety, hate, anger and mistrust. It is possible. You decide when you get into a relationship what it will look like and what is acceptable. The power is in your hands.
P.S. Final thought… Life is NOT a fantasy so quit dreaming. Not all relationships are built to last forever. That is the goal but not always the outcome. Enjoy the moment and appreciate what you have today. I don’t know that the love I have today will be here 10 years from now. If it is, great! If it’s not meant to last, then that’s OK too. When you surrender the fairytale fantasy, you take a lot of pressure off your relationship and can enjoy it one day at a time!