Groomed, Soft, & Emotional Men… WTF?

Angelism: “As hot and pretty as a groomed man can be, he should never take longer to get ready or be sexier & softer than me!”

Has anyone else noticed how incredibly groomed, soft, and emotional men have become? I have always found well trimmed, clean shaven, and fit men attractive, but how pretty do they need to be? A fancy man shows he is motivated to take care of himself and that he wants to live a healthy and long life; I can dig that. However the new obsession for men to pluck eyebrows, match clothes, buy shiny accessories, highlight their hair, sport fake tans, trim everything, get Botox and muscle implants, use man purses, and wear shoes with lifts in them is officially false advertising and is more vanity than I can handle. I get that we all want to look our best, but when a man is being waxed regularly and getting more manicures and pedicures than I am, it’s weird. 
The man continues to evolve as years pass. Just a decade ago, before Ryan Seacrest and Justin Timberlake hit the scene with a metro sexy style, I thought men were way more tough, fun, and rugged. It seems I woke up one day and it was OK for men to cry, have feelings, go to therapy, and stop doing man things. When I was growing up a man would come home from a physical job, drive up in his dirty truck, go inside and kiss his wife, say hi to the kids, take out the trash, tend to the yard, feed the dog, and then crack open a beer and watch sports and hang out with the family. Today’s man leaves his all day desk job, hands a $20 to the valet guy in exchange for his tiny washed Prius, swaps out his work shirt for a fashionable plaid, then meets coworkers for happy hour where he claims he is networking but really he’s eating fancy food and ordering some foo-foo drink that the girls like while singing some old Bon Jovi song that plays on the jukebox. To complete his 6am-9pm day he comes home, sets his laptop and gym bag down, (because lunch break workouts are totally cool), heads straight to the restroom while texting his coworkers that he’s home safe, showers, brushes and flosses teeth, conditions his hair and then crawls in bed. He then kisses his wife and watches Desperate Housewives of Beverly Hills with her all while checking his Facebook and playing video games on his phone until he passes out. OMG!!!! 
Maybe growing up watching Rambo, Terminator and Robocop gave me a false sense that men should be big, strong, dirty, intimidating, cool and rugged. I certainly didn’t imagine I would ever see men discussing designer jeans, their fear of being bald or fat, their interest in doing yoga instead of Pilate’s, and their preference for Starbucks lattes over Coffee Beans. Possibly I have lived in LA too long, the men here are quite fancy. Don’t assume that being a soft guy is bad. That is not what I am saying. However if you spend a lot of time primping, dieting, and worrying about your outfit and whether or not it works with what your wife is wearing, you may have lost your man card. Remember to compliment your woman rather than fish for compliments on how great your ass looks in them jeans. Fix the car when it’s broken, don’t send a lady to the mechanic. Set up the yard work contract if you don’t want to get your nails dirty and put out the mouse-traps and kill the damn spiders. Put together the kids toys and take out the trash. Lift some weights at the gym and maybe pass on the yoga and green tea addiction. I’m proud that men are flexible and they drink antioxidants but a man with a few calluses on his hands and a 5 o’clock shadow is hot. I like to know my man is smart enough to not create trouble but quick enough to throw a punch and protect me when the moment demands it.
So to all the soft men out there, please go do some man shit. In my house my dad replaced the oil, changed the tires, fixed the burnt out lights, painted the house, built furniture, maintained our garden and our hot tub, fixed the roof, and even organized his man tools; all while drinking a six pack of Budweiser. If you want to be treated like a man stop acting like a vagina. It’s OK to be a little metro and care more than the generations before, but be a sexy new kinda man who gets man shit done. Please only cry once or twice a year. I am all for the feminizing men but not at the loss of my handsome, protective, rough and tough dudes! I have a period every month, I get to cry, not you!

What MOM Didn’t Tell Us About MEN!

Angelism: “Why women try to change men I will never understand. Embrace their weirdness & individuality, for the most part it is entertaining!”

My girlfriend’s and I often bitch about all the things, big and small, that irritate us about living with a man. Whether you are married, living together, or dating and he is over all the time, there are things that get on your nerves 24/7. Here is a little list I have compiled of why living with a man can be annoying most days of the week. All we can do is laugh about it!
1) Men leave shit everywhere. Clothes, shoes, pens, papers, food wrappers, socks, condoms, money, towels, underwear, cups, plates, beer cans, hats, keys, phones, magazines, mail, video games, and anything they can get their hands on. This list can go on forever.
2) Men smell like salty balls most of the time. If you can catch your man fresh out of a shower you are lucky, have sex immediately. Other than that they stink like ass shortly thereafter.
3) Men have their best sex life with the remote control. If only men put the same amount of effort into fondling their lady as they do that damn remote every woman on the planet would orgasm.
4) Men sweat like pigs when they sleep and breath and snore all over you.
5) Men grab, scratch, tug and fondle their balls no matter where they are or what they are doing. A man sprawled out on the couch with his hand in his pants repositioning his junk is a daily ritual.
6) Men pick their nose, face, ears, feet, and anything else they can pick, all the time. Boys become men who act like boys never sit still. They are always picking at or investigating something and touching buttons they should not.
7) Men make a mess in the kitchen unlike anything I have ever seen before. My man can make a grilled cheese and Top Ramen and you would think he cooked a feast for 10.
8) Men can sleep in the same sheets for a month and never think to change them. They would not wear the same underwear for a month yet they look at you like you are crazy when you want to change the sheets weekly because they sweat, fart, lay naked, and have sex regularly on them.
9) Men fart on you non-stop. In the bedroom, living room, bathroom, car and even in public. When they bomb you, they laugh like a nine year old boy who got away with something bad. They outright fart on you, literally on you!
10) Men like to dance around naked. Hell they like to do everything naked. When men are naked, their focus is their penis. They like to hide their penis so it looks like they have a vagina, bounce it around while they dance, flop their balls over it and give you the bat wings, swing it in circles like a propeller, tea bag you, push their balls in the back below their ass and show you the goat, or my personal favorite; give their penis a boner and ask you to take care of it. I tell ya, I have been in my relationship for almost 13 years and I have seen some crazy shit that can be done with a penis.
11) Men watch way too much TV, drink way too much beer, eat way too much junk, whine way too much when they have to do anything around the house, and are the most horrible patients when they are sick or hungover. WTF?
12) Men and laundry don’t mix. Men and cleaning don’t mix. Men and organizing don’t mix. Men and grocery shopping don’t mix. Men and Oprah don’t mix. Men and chic flicks don’t mix. MEN AND CHANGE DO NOT MIX! Honestly, not sure how men and women mix? I must really, really love my man. 
Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things that men do right. This list however was for fun and to point out all the things Mom did not tell us women about what our future would look like living with a man. Not all men are created equal. Some only have a few of these wonderful qualities mentioned above. Moms out there, if you have young daughters, teach them this stuff before they leave home. What a pleasure it was for me to learn a guys lifestyle after I left the house. The good news is, all of us women are in the same boat, we are all faced with the challenge of finding new ways to enjoy the small tortures of living with the opposite sex.
To my love muffin of 13 years: “I love you honey! You are still my favorite gross guy!”

Basic Rules People Should Follow!

Angelism: “For some people normal is not really normal. Act appropriate or get out of my face!”

Ever wonder if people really were raised in a barn? I know I’m guilty of doing dumb, ridiculous crazy stuff occasionally but come on people. Some things are just a given and here is a list of a few rules I believe people should follow. I have some for the ladies, some for the men, and a couple for both sexes. You will be laughing if you agree. However, if you are guilty of these things don’t take it personally. I have a sharp lip and that will never change.
For the Ladies…
1) If you are over the age of 49 don’t wear pants with writing on the rear. Juicy Couture is not so juicy on your old lady behind I don’t care how great you look for your age.
2) Do not wear white pants if you have cellulite – dimples always show through.
3) If your hair has feathers you are living in the wrong decade and you look hideous. Cut it!
4) Wait to have plastic surgery. The 20-30 somethings having plastic surgery look like freaky, possessed, wax museum figures and it’s a dead give away of your insecurities.
5) Wear a bra. I don’t care if you only have raisins for boobs, keep your nipples to yourself.
6) Never call a guy first, ask him for a date first or kiss him first. Quit being desperate and let him do the work. It’s the only time he will put forth this kind of effort, trust me on this one.
7) If you don’t shave your armpits, do not wear a tank top. If you don’t shave your legs please wear pants. Thank you.
8) Quit with the lip liner. A dark line of lipstick tracing your lips with a pastel in the middle is out of style and you look like a clown.9) Stop with the crazy big eyebrows all penciled on or the bright much too long fake fingernails. You look ridiculous.

For the Men….
1) Stop scratching your balls in public – it’s gross.
2) Stop picking your nose and flicking your boogers – this is gross too!
3) Stop talking like a pervert. That hot 20 year old chick you’re drooling over would not do you if you paid her so keep dreaming.
4) Stop being lazy and do something; preferably something that doesn’t make a mess.
5) Stop hogging the remote control and read a book. Use your brain for once.
6) Stop trying to save your receding hairline. You look old regardless but with a comb-over you look old and stupid. Shave it.
7) Stop farting on people, shaking hands is a much better way of saying hello.8) Stop being a DICK! I know it makes you feel cool in the moment but not need to try and win, be the best at, and have done everything in life. Shut your trap, we know you are full of shit!

Basically, for the guys, the best rule is to simply stop acting like a kid and act like a man and maybe, just maybe, women won’t complain as much.
To Both Sexes
1) If you are large enough that you spill over the seat on a plane or in a theater, please buy another seat. I know this is a sensitive topic for many but don’t make me suffer because you can’t say, “No!” to junk food. I diet, workout and am aware of my weight every day. Your weight should not be a discomfort to me.
2) Don’t fart in a car without warning everyone in it first. Open the window while you are at it please.
3) Turn the lights off when you leave a room and the water off when you brush your teeth. Basic, environmentally friendly rules should always apply.
4) Don’t wear clothes that are too tight. If you have to lay on a bed to zip your pants or lift a roll to put something on then don’t wear it.
5) If you wear Crocs and you are not gardening I feel sorry for you and everyone  who has to be seen with you.
6) Use your blinker, it’s there for a reason.7) Look up when you are walking or talking! Stare at your cell phone some other time.

and finally….
8) Trim, trim, trim your body. Trimming is not just for trees. Most people are not interested in being naked with animals.

 


Don’t Sleep w/ People You Don’t Know!

Angelism: “Sex is just sex. Dating is the process of falling in love. Casual sex before dating will likely lead to no dates just booty calls. Sorry.”
When is the right time to have sex? This question has many women confused. Plenty of you are being taken advantage of by men, settling for whatever is available in the moment, and hoping it will lead to some lasting relationship. I mean it when I say, “Don’t sleep with people you don’t know!” If you are on a first date, there is no way you have a clue who this person is so keep your legs closed and your shirt on. If you make it to a second date, there is still no chance you have any idea what this man’s past looks like or what lies he may be telling you. If you land a third date, he may actually LIKE you so don’t act easy and give it up. You may think you have shown confidence and pride by holding out until the third date, however I think it’s too early to hand out a free ride. You will never convince me that after three dates you know or love a person enough to sleep with them. You can have an idea about someone but if you have sex, it’s essentially with a stranger. 
It’s a rarity that someone truly knows a partner after three months of dating. If you were unaware of this concept before now, take note that getting to know someone requires time. Quit being in such a rush. Do not give up your golden ticket, box, hoo-hoo, beaver, chi-chi, va-jay-jay or whatever you like to call it. Your love is the greatest gift you can give a man and it should not be given out to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Have some self respect and make a man earn your love. Casual sex is great if you can handle it, but many of you can’t and are looking for love and getting nothing but douche bags because you are too busy giving out FREE rides! 
This is very serious topic for me. I do not mean to come off harsh but this one-night stand, heartbreak and low self-esteem cycle women go through needs to end. Sleeping with guy after guy and going nowhere in a relationship can’t be satisfying. Many of you don’t sleep around much but still give it up immediately with the few men you date. What are you thinking? A REAL MAN likes a chase. His only goal is to earn your love. He wants to work for your attention because that is what turns him on. To do this you have to hold out on sex. You have to give him a reason to want to get to know you first. If you give him sex right away, he will either think you are easy and he won’t call you back, or he will only call you back for a booty-call. Neither of these options are going to get you a shiny diamond ring and a wedding date. Next time you are on a date remember this Angelism, “If you don’t know him, don’t sleep with him.” 
I want to clarify that I think casual sex is fine. Many people can meet once and have a sexcapade that they will remember the rest of their life. That’s great! Have one for me while you are at it. This blog is for all the women who are looking for love but making dumb, desperate, single girl mistakes. It’s not to say that people can’t fall in love and marry after sleeping together on a first date. Crazier things have happened. I speak from experience when I say, “Let the man have an opportunity to hunt you down. Make him want you, be curious about you, be into you, like you, listen to you and fall madly in love with you.” After all, this is the best part of a relationship. It’s after the dating sex and the, “I do,” that the real work begins. Enjoy the chase, expect it, and promise me, “You will not sleep with people you don’t know!”