Because I have a Va-Jay-Jay…

Angelism: “Because I have a vagina anything you can do, I can do better!!!”

What I love so much about my man is he understands that the reason I can be nuts sometimes is because I have a vagina. Since having a penis is his excuse for every jackass thing he does, I take great pleasure in passing the buck off to my Va-Jay-Jay. Here is a list of reasons for my occasional female wackiness.
1) Because I have a vagina, I have random cravings for weird foods at any given time. It may be sugar, it may be salt, it may be a potato chip dipped in ice cream. Don’t question my need for cheese enchiladas and chips at 9am just go with it.
2) Because I have a vagina everything must be clean and organized my way. Yes, he can put stuff away, make the bed and do the dishes but I always have and will do it better. Accept it, I do.
3) Because I have a vagina I can spend two hours at Bed Beth and Beyond and walk out with nothing since I could not find what I was looking for. I can then go to Target and shop for another two hours and spend 300 plus dollars getting new kitchen stuff, clothes, food, books, CD’s and possibly a new lamp that I had no idea we needed. You better support my shopping habits because there is a reason for every single thing I purchase and the reasons are valid.
4) Because I have a vagina I must plan everything. I plan vacations, parties, events, date nights, even grocery store trips. A “To-do List” is my best friend. If I don’t plan, I know it won’t get done. My plan is the right way and I am in control from start to finish, deal with it. Do as you are told and you will remain good in my eyes.
5) Because I have a vagina you can’t ever comment on my weight or my age. Don’t tell me I look like I put on a few pounds or I will punch you in the face. Mention my age and I will go off on you so bad you will wish you were dead. Keep weight and age out of every conversation always if you want to keep your balls safe.
6) Because I have a vagina I’m supposed to be maternal. NOT gonna happen. Sometimes I run out of patience and anyone who disagrees with me, including little kids running around the house, better run far and fast. If you don’t do as I say for the third time today then maternal kindness goes out the window and “Evil Superwoman” takes over. I wish you luck when this happens.
7) Because I have a vagina I must always look and feel cute. I want my nails done, my hair stylish, and my clothes looking good. I want to be complimented for being adorable. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a bad day just because your toe-nail polish is smudged. Quit complaining about my complaining and compliment me on my beautiful smile so I forget about my jacked-up toe-nail polish. 🙂
8) Because I have a vagina I like girlie movies. I like to cry at stories that touch my heart and feel real even though mentally I know they are fake and made only for the big screen. I have roller coaster emotions and some days they are more apparent then others but that’s the joy of womanhood. If I cry, hug me and tell me I’m cute.
9) Because I have a vagina I suffer from PMS, bloating, and cramps which is hell about ten days out of the month. During this time I feel that my man should kiss my ass knowing 120 days out of a year I feel like crap all for the sake of maybe having one of his little pain in the ass children.
10) Because I have a vagina I will go through menopause and hopefully I will not kill anyone in the process. The hot flashes I will suffer will force me to overheat and make decisions under intense pressure. Being off balance hormonally does not help the situation and feeling old and unable to produce babies is pretty much a woman’s death sentence so fuck off for complaining that I will be moody. Love me and deal with it.
11) Because I have a vagina, my underwear and pants get sweaty and might smell like fish. Yes, some days are better than others for munching box. You guys should know that by now. No need to remind me how pungent my stench is after a workout or right before my period. I am aware, I live with my Va-Jay-Jay. By the looks of it, it’s basically a second ass crack so I would not expect it to smell like roses if I were you.
12) Because I have a vagina I think I can kick your ass in a fight. Somehow I am determined that if mad enough, I could lift a car, move a mountain, or punch through a door. Luckily that has not happened but my vagina tells me I have that strength and power to do so.
13) Because I have a vagina I like boy bands, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. It may be repetitive, synthesized music but for my ears it’s good shit!
14) Because I have a vagina we never run out of toilet paper. NEVER, EVER, EVER!!!
15) Because I have a vagina I need sex too! Don’t dare come at me with your stick and expect me to take care of your needs all the time. I need to be warmed up and pleasured so be prepared to work on me until I get mine. If you are selfish in bed, my vagina will become your enemy and my resentment and hate for you will shine through so good luck living with me!
Betty White you are my HERO!!!

My Time of the Month SUCKS!

Angelism: “Whoever invented the female period is an asshole!”

I assume you know exactly what I am talking about when I say, “My time of the month SUCKS!” Most women have this in common for about 40+ dreadful years. Every month I get a visit and if I didn’t I’d shit my pants as my life would change forever; kids are not in my plan. If you are at all confused, I’m referring to my monthly period. The awful weeklong bloodbath in my pants is also known as: Aunt Flow, The Rag, Shark Week, The Dreaded Dragon, TOM (time of month), The Crimson Wave, The Bloody Mary, In Heat, The Curse, and lastly but most classy, Riding the White Pony. All very sexy don’t you think? I never realized how quickly 21 days can go by until day 21 creeps up on me, leaving me so bloated the buttons on my pants feel pressure to rip open, and my boobs can barely be stuffed into my roomiest of bras. Going up an entire cup size overnight the day or two before my period sucks! Great for my boyfriend, he thinks it’s awesome, however during this time I want him to stay as far away as possible since my boobs feel like a pile of bricks. I shove myself in a bra and pray to not have a tri-tit explosion out of the top of my shirt as it would be highly inappropriate at work. Finish these symptoms off with stabbing cramps, gas, zits, the shits, and an overall hormone and odor change, and YUM, I think that’s a recipe for a great date night? NOPE! Time to cancel my plans. FML!!! 
My crankiness aside, having a period in my opinion is truly a curse. PMS and everything that goes with it is awful. We go an average of four decades dealing with this shit, keeping the maxi pad and tampon industry in business, just for the option to have children. It’s feeling unfair to me, especially since I don’t want kids. As much as I respect our higher power, I’m not sure what God was smoking when he put this plan in place. Clearly he had too much wine that night and was very upset with women. The average American family has something like 2.6 kids. Hmmm, so you get to tough through a period every month for 40+ years to be pregnant for maybe two or three years of your life? Even if it takes you a few tries to get knocked up, even back in the day when we didn’t live as long… 40 years of baby making potential?!?! Eff you! This process is proof that the female body a fucking machine. Screw hunting and building a house boys; a woman is a super-human, baby making machine for four decades, bleeding a week straight for 12 weeks out of every year, all with the potential to nourish life with our big fat boobies! Top that bullshit! 

Maybe the PMS hormone imbalances that lead to a woman’s crazed moments truly are to make men insane. If that’s the case then great, something has to wake them up to experience the hell we face on a bad cramp day. Shit gets done when Shark Week arrives or somebody dies! I think many of you know exactly where I’m coming from on this. Please tell me I’m not alone!!!