Never FAKE the “BIG O”

Angelism: “Get out of your own head & chase your physical wants & desires.”

Promise me, from this moment forward, you will never, ever, ever, fake an orgasm. Raise your hand and swear to me that you will make it a point to always achieve the “BIG O”, preferably multiple times if you can. If you fail at the “BIG O” the only valid excuse is you were super drunk or so exhausted you slept through it. Not reaching orgasm is the worse possible mistake a woman can make in a relationship. When you fake it, the only person who suffers is you. Your body warms up, the juices start flowing, your downstairs gets excited and starts its engine, and then your brain steps in and somehow becomes your vagina’s worst enemy. You deserve to feel the tingling, overwhelming, body twitching, toe-curling, steamy joy of a climax. Faking this pleasure eventually leads to frustration and resentment towards your partner.
When it comes to sex I always say that “doing it” needs to be a priority. I believe that women should orgasm first. In my experience, once a man has finished, sex is not all that exciting and his effort to keep up the good work fades fast. If you don’t climax first, plan on walking away sexually frustrated. However if you practice going first, he will quickly follow. All that clenching of the vagina around his penis will finish him off perfectly. 
Now if you are embarrassed by this topic that may be your vagina’s first problem. There is no reason to be shy or feel any shame. Sex is a wonderful thing and it’s best when you are achieving orgasm. The following are some of the reasons women don’t orgasm:
1) They put the partners needs first
2) Lack of knowledge of their body and how to climax
3) Embarrassed to orgasm in front of someone
4) Discomfort having sex with their partner 
5) Lack of confidence and low self esteem
6) Trauma from past such as molestation or rape
7) They feel it takes too long to get to climax so why bother
8) Too tired from work, kids, family or stress
9) Faith or religious beliefs get in the way
These are valid reason but nonetheless hold women back from pleasure. Never make up excuses that lead to unhappiness in the bedroom. Don’t focus on why you can’t orgasm, focus on ways you will orgasm. Experiencing pleasure with your mate is one of the best parts of a relationship. Without it, why bother? The dishes, house-cleaning, raising kids and managing the bank accounts need some relief. My solution, HAVE SEX!!! A good way to keep yourself interested is to masturbate, explore your body, and learn what works for you. Work on finding a mate that you feel comfortable sharing your sexual needs with. Good chemistry is important. It is your responsibility to show your lover what works for you and try new things along the way to enhance your experiences. 
I hope to encourage, inspire, and motivate women to put their sexual desires first. Believe me if you are satisfied in the sex department you will live a happier life. You will sleep better, feel healthier, have more energy, be more loving, and glow more than you ever have. Put your relationship first and make sure your needs are being met. Don’t let the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts stop your physical desires. If you need practice, or are single and want to warm up, buy a vibrator and get to it. I ask that you don’t always rely on a vibrator for stimulation as no man’s penis can compete with the sensation of AAA batteries. Mix it up so that your body can respond to flesh and toys.
Now I understand that abuse or fear may hold some of you back from enjoying sex. I would suggest you get help from a therapist so you can work towards being open to a loving and sexual relationship. I also know that accidents happen which change physical abilities in the bedroom; aging does too. Not all couples can have sex or want to. Sex is not for everyone. However, for the majority of women who are capable and wanting more satisfaction between the sheets, always set the standard to achieve the “BIG O” every time you do it. Don’t stop till you get enough! You deserve it and your man will be thrilled that you are enjoying the ride. 

Love Lessons…

Angelism: “Love may not be everything, but it is definitely something. Never underestimate its power.”

At the end of this month Scott and I celebrate our 13 year anniversary. It’s crazy to me that we have been together this long. It still feels new so I guess that is a good sign. As I reflect over our years together, and think back on all that we have been through, I realize that this is a love that has had plenty of highs and lows, fears and comforts, fights and agreements, fun and frustration, love and lust, disappointment and excitement, confusion and resentment, joy and passion, and most importantly friendship and commitment. I’m so proud that we have never given up. There was a time around year seven mark where we struggled. We were going different directions and not getting along. We decided to do the work and get on the same page rather than go our separate ways. Our love grew stronger because of it.
Through this relationship journey I have learned many things. I look forward to more loving and learning in the years to come. I know this love may not last forever but my wish is that it will. In the meantime I cherish these love lessons.
1) I’ve learned that love is in everything that you do. Love is a kiss goodnight or a romantic getaway. It’s the bite of food you share at dinner and the door he opens when you get to the car. Love is the fight that gets resolved without words, and the hand that gets held on a movie date. Love is in little things every day.
2) I’ve learned that love is mastering a sincere apology. It’s OK to be wrong or misunderstood. Saying, “I’m sorry” and meaning it, with no buts, no explanations, and no justifications, has been my biggest lesson. A simple, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” goes a long way.
3) I’ve learned that love is making time to date and have fun. Playing together whether it’s miniature golfing, a theme park, the water slides, a weekend getaway, or dinner and a movie; adventures always brings you closer together.
4) I’ve learned that love is patient. Not everything goes as planned and life takes you for turns you least expect. Just breathe and be patient.
5) I’ve learned that to love means to surrender control. Letting him take control sometimes allows me to trust and experience new things.
6) I’ve learned that it’s not your intention behind your words but how they are received by your partner. What I meant to say doesn’t always come across. Your good intentions may be misunderstood for negative ones and love is respecting how your partner feels regardless of how it hurts your ego.
7) I’ve learned that sex should be at the top of the love list. I don’t care how tired you are, how much your head hurts, or how much work you have to finish. Remind your mate that you are sexually attracted to them every chance you get.
8) I’ve learned that love means to be vulnerable. Being raw and honest with your partner will lead to comfort and a soft place to fall.
9) I’ve learned that I’m not perfect, I can be a bitch, I do make bad decisions, and at times my expectations are unreasonable. Live with anyone longer than a few years and you will quickly learn what you need to work on to better yourself. Love is recognizing you can not fix the other to be as perfect as you.
10) I’ve learned that love is respecting your mates family, regardless of your opinion of them. Every family has their own dysfunction; respect boundaries and don’t dwell in the drama.
11) I’ve learned that it’s OK to fight for what you believe in. True love respects differences and grows stronger because of them.
12) I’ve learned that love means you sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do to make your partner happy. Compromise is key. Go to that work dinner, attend that family event, or see a movie you would normally never see. I assure you, you will want that same respect in return.
13) I have learned that pointing the finger only makes you look stupid. There is no need to make someone WRONG so you can be RIGHT. To love means to talk it out without placing guilt or wrongdoing.
14) I’ve learned that a wink, a hug, a kiss, or a nod go a long way. Recognizing one another in a room is always a great way to show love.
15) I’ve learned to love means to listen. There is a difference between hearing what was said and understanding what you have heard. I now listen with focus and show more concern about what the other is saying rather than what I want to say next.
16) I’ve learned that love is forgiving. You can get in fights that seem like deal breakers and a month later not even remember what you fought about.
17) I’ve learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side so don’t take for granted what you have. If your love is good on the majority of the days, trust that it’s worth it and believe in the power of love to see you through.
18) I’ve learned that love is a chance you take. It’s a risky adventure but a fun one if it’s true.
19) I’ve learned that trust is a must, without trust you have nothing.
20) I’ve learned that you must remain independent of one another. If you don’t nurture your career, friendships, and family outside of your relationship you will lose who you are. Love grows when you maintain independence.
21) I’ve learned to keep him guessing. Be a fun, unique, clever, inventive, and exciting person. Acting a little crazy sometimes keeps love interesting.
22) I’ve learned that life throws you curve-balls. Just when you think you know all there is to know about love, life hits you with a reality check and you must learn all over again. Embrace change together.
23) I’ve learned that I need to stay strong when he is weak. In return he will do the same. Try not to fall down at the same time. Having a cheerleader in your corner who understands you when you are down is what love is all about.
24) I’ve learned that we are different people, and that what I once loved most about my partner is often what I hate. For example, I love he is passive, it means I can take control. However that passiveness sometimes means a lack of motivation to do things or makes decisions which then means I feel pressured to do everything. I love it but I hate it. Learn to recognize these judgements and move right on through. To love is not to change but embrace.
25) I’ve learned that love is seen and felt just as much as it is expressed.
26) I’ve learned that I can’t say, “I love you,” enough. Everyday is a new day, and every day deserves to begin and end with, “I love you.”
Love is taking the good from each moment. If you have something worth holding onto, trust it. If it doesn’t work out that’s OK. Love is everywhere. Some people love many individuals in a lifetime, others have one soul mate for life. No matter what your story, learn your lessons, change, grow, and celebrate. When in love, not every day is easy, but every day is worth it!

 


Cheating… Who is to Blame?

Angelism: “The quickest way to ruin a relationship is to cheat. Love doesn’t last long when there is no trust.”

My boyfriend and I have very different viewpoints on cheating and who is to blame. Cheating has never been an issue between us since we have both been faithful, at least to my knowledge, but the challenge is we think differently about who takes the heat for infidelity. So who do you point the finger at when your mate turns to another person for sex and intimacy?
I feel that a relationship is between two people, the two that made the commitment to each-other. The person who needs to stay strong and be true to me is the one who vows to do so. I need to be faithful in return. When a third party gets involved, I expect that my mate will be responsible for fighting off any urges to stray in order to remain monogamous to me. If my man cheats on me with a person at his work, a bartender, a stripper, or a friend of a friend who I have never met, do I blame him, her, or both? This is tough question to answer because there are many different opinions. I happen to feel that the person responsible would be my man, and my man feels that both people are to blame.
It seems in society that people like to put the blame on the third party equally when the one they should really have frustration and disappointment with is their mate who shattered the trust. I agree that the third party who gets involved with a spoken for person has done something irresponsible, but it happens, and people cheat everyday and don’t feel guilty about it. If they truly felt guilt they wouldn’t do it. If a stranger has the hots for your man, knows he is taken, but wants to get naked with him anyway, who are you to think she should hold back? What can you really expect from a stranger? Does this make her a bad person, or a human acting on impulse and living in the moment? If I sleep with a waiter while on a girls only vacation, the waiter is not to blame, I am.
The divorce rate in this country is over 50%. People are obviously cheating often, don’t think you are exempt. The sooner you accept this as a possibility, the less painful it will be if you are faced with it. I have family members and friends who have cheated and I don’t think they are evil, I think they are human. It takes a strong, happy, committed, loving, honest and respectful relationship, to stay totally true and faithful for decade after decade. That kind of commitment requires you to stop your hormones and desires every time they stray to thoughts of, “What if?” You have to be excited about going home to the same lover every day of your life and reinvent yourself over and over again so you don’t get bored. You have to be a person of so much integrity and faith that when and if you have desires to be involved with someone outside of your relationship, you choose not to act on it and instead go home to your partner and work it out. Realistically, how many people actually fall into this highly honorable category? A 100% true relationship requires a lot of work and willpower to avoid every temptation along the way for years and years.
Although I say I would only blame the lover that actually cheated on me, I have one exception to that rule. This is what confuses my boyfriend. I told him if he ever cheated on me with a dear friend, I would blame them both. The way I see it is anyone who I know and love, who has a commitment to me to respect and be loyal to me, should not engage in this kind of promiscuous behavior behind my back. So yes, be pissed if your best friend sleeps with your man. I say disown them both for betraying your trust. However, if he hooks up with a bartender, then it’s not her fault. There are many people in this world who have no real feelings. They sleep with someone without any regard for the other person. Many of them don’t even know there is another person to be concerned about. You can blame this third party person all you want but the fact is, if they cared they would not have done it. The person who was supposed to care, have your back and honor you no matter what, is your partner. When your mate sleeps with another person with no regard or respect for how it will make you feel, that is the enemy, that is who you blame.
My boyfriend feels both people are to blame so we agree to disagree. I get what he is saying to a certain extent. I don’t think women or men should encourage, or put effort towards having sex with married/ committed people unless both parties agree it’s OK. I think passing the buck to the third party is a way of blaming someone other than the love of your life for ruining your relationship. I admire that my man cared enough about this topic to have a conversation about it. I’m also grateful that our differences of opinion didn’t get in the way of us having sex later that day. It amazes me that after almost 13 years together we can still challenge each other’s thoughts like this and be mature about it.
What do you think about cheating? For me, anyone who gives into cheating is not a person of enough integrity and respect for me to be with, or waste my time being mad at. I would cut the ties, forgive, never forget, and walk away knowing I did nothing wrong. When someone cheats, everything is lost; faith, trust, hope, love, and a future of comfort and commitment. You feel a pain that is unexplainable and in a moments time all you thought you had, the love you feel existed all those years, is over. Having full trust again of the person who strayed is impossible. The unfaithfulness will haunt you if you stay. In my opinion, someone who cheats doesn’t deserve your love, move on.

Complicated Relationships

Angelism: “If you are in a complicated relationship, uncomplicate it! It’s that simple.”

 
“It’s Complicated!’
I address this topic because all too often I’m on Facebook and I notice under the relationship status people posting “It’s Complicated.” Is this what we have resorted to? Is this a new standard for the confusion and frustration one is willing to put up with? Does it make a person feel better to announce on social media that your life is such a mess you can’t possibly figure out whether or not you’re in a real relationship? Sorry if I offend, but being in a COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
Identify what kind of relationship you are really in. Be honest with yourself.
1) A good relationship that has its ups and downs.
2) A bad relationship that you should get out of immediately.
3) A mediocre relationship at times that requires some extra excitement but most of the time it feels healthy overall.
4) A messy relationship that you stay in because you are too insecure to let go so you hang onto something that you know will never work.
5) No actual relationship outside of what you create in your head so you are being even more lame by making it sound like you have drama with this ex or wanna-be lover in your life.
6) None, zero, zilch, zip, non-existent relationship so own up to it already because a text here and there from months ago and a one night stand or two in your past do not count as being in a complicated relationship.
If it’s complicated because you are in the closet about your sexuality then come out. If it’s complicated because you are lying, then step up, tell the truth, and do what’s right for you. If it’s complicated because you are desperately hanging onto the past and you won’t let go, then seek therapy. If it’s complicated because you are cheating then stop sabotaging love and pick a mate you can stick with. If it’s complicated because kids are involved, shame on you for bringing your complicated relationship into the presence of a child. Fix the situation immediately so you don’t fuck up your kid. If it’s complicated because you don’t know how the other person feels, then ask the other person how they feel. If you are holding onto to someone who can’t commit then say, “Bye Felicia!”
I acknowledge that relationships have moments of difficulty and life gets challenging (complicated), but move on. When this is your identity that you announce to others publicly, and you admit to having just an OK relationship status for all the world to see, I think, “You can do better than that!” It either is a relationship or it isn’t. Putting into the universe that you are in a complicated relationship will only create more difficulty in your life.
My hope is if your relationship status is, “It’s Complicated,” you will stop and think a little more about why this is so. Is this the image you want others to see? Is your situation so puzzling that you can’t identify if it’s real? And if so, why do you want to be with someone who has you in this confusing position?
Cheers to uncomplicating complicated relationships. Let’s all set a standard to expect more from ourselves and others starting right now.

Positive thoughts can change your life…

Angelism: “Life can’t get you down if your positive thoughts lift you up!”

Recently a courageous friend on Facebook, who is struggling with new challenges in life, asked if I could write about positive thoughts and how it relates to healing. I was thrilled that this came up as a subject of choice. I’m happy to write about something I believe strongly in. The idea is that thoughts create and control our reality.
When I was younger, in my teenage years and early twenties, I never thought much about what I said or did. I knew I was happy, I liked having fun, and I felt very fortunate. Through life experiences, friends and family dramas, relationship lows, deaths and financial constraints, I have confirmed for myself that every situation is as good or bad as I allow it to be in my head. Every experience can be embraced, accepted, and made sense of, if I manage it correctly in my mind. I shape the outcome of every experience. It starts with my thoughts and ends with my commitment to maintain the positive thoughts and delete the negative ones.
It is easy to be a downer. Many of us go day after day complaining about the bad driver in front of us, not having enough time, scared about our unloving companion, frustrated from our nagging family and friends, and infuriated because of the increasing prices and bad economy. We fill our space and energy with something we know we have in common with every human in existence -the ability to complain. Complaining is a given. Stand next to someone in Starbucks and if you so much as roll your eyes or suggest in any way that it’s taking forever, the person behind you will likely say, “It’s annoying, they are always slow here.”
What would it take to be positive? How hard is it for you? People across the world are becoming more aware of the gift of a good attitude. The idea that you become your thoughts is proving to be true. With books like, The Secret, The Power of Now, and A Complaint Free World, we are reassured that positive thoughts result in a good outcome. You think about what you want, you vision it, and you get it. Controlling your mind to think in a way that is beneficial to you, and being aware of your words so that you no longer speak in a disrespectful way towards yourself, can really pay off.
So does positive thinking have the ability to heal us? YES. Many doctors agree that an ill patient who has a positive attitude and a strong will to fight, is going to do better than the patient who takes the news of an illness to heart and sees it as a life sentence. Doctors have confirmed that the major contributors to maintaining good health and removing disease from the body is a positive, hopeful and determined outlook from the patient. Words that you speak to yourself become a reality, so an ill person who speaks positively towards their body during a crisis, can actually reverse the negative situation creating quality health and healing for their body and mind.
Now chances are if you have just been diagnosed with breast cancer you are not going to run home and start talking words of gratitude about your situation. Every major negative experience deserves its moment of fear, depression and upset. However the sooner you move through those thoughts and create a plan of action to make positive changes, the healthier and stronger you will become.
If you don’t believe this concept to be true, I beg of you to give it a try. First become aware of every negative thought you say or think. Before you actually speak any harshness in this world, see if you can replace it with something beneficial and productive. Instead of complaining about the slow service at Starbucks, can you appreciate the extra time you have in line to play with the adorable baby that is in the stroller in front of you? Can you offer up a compliment to someone to fill the noise in which you would usually use to complain? Also if you have an illness, I ask that you challenge yourself to move past its limitations. Think your way out of being sick and see if you begin to feel better.
People who live with a strong mind, positive attitude and peace in their hearts have been known to practice many of the following habits. You may want to read up on these ideas individually to fully understand how all this can work for you. It’s also good to start trying some of these concepts and see if you can slowly change your life for the better.
Habits of positive people:
*Speak only kind words
*Read motivational and inspiring books
*Embrace each new day with good thoughts
*Write in a gratitude journal daily
*Live in the moment, listen and have awareness
*Be thankful for all things good and bad
*Think positively about finances and trust it will work out
*Surround yourself with joyful things; art, flowers, books, music and more
*Have goals/dreams and trust they can be achieved
*Pay it forward
*Surround yourself with love and positive people
*Meditate and exercise
*Eat well and take care of your health
*Be free of judgment
*Love yourself and feed your soul
*Respect your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones immediately
I want to thank my friend on Facebook who encouraged me to write this. I admire your willingness to give me feedback. To all of you who read this, I hope you are on this path of greatness, and if not, I encourage you to make a conscious decision today to start changing the way you think.

You 1st, Mate 2nd

Angelism: “Me first today!”

I know it’s hard sometimes to put yourself first but you have to. Placing more importance on your mate than on yourself is the biggest mistake a woman can make. You may think, “I am single I don’t have to worry about this,” but you do. Because depending on how long you are single, a common mistake single women make is when you finally meet someone you are truly interested in you put all your eggs in one basket. You forget what you want because you are so focused on what they want. The point here is to stay on track with your personal goals in life.
Recently my boyfriend and I were on a road trip to Vegas. A road trip is a perfect time to ask questions and talk openly about your relationship. We agreed when we started the conversation that we would be open for positive and negative feedback and that the intention of the discussion was to learn more about where we are now versus 15 years ago. It was fun and I walked away discovering a new side of my boyfriend and loving him even more. The moment I remember most was when I asked him what three things he found attractive about me. He responded, “Your confidence, your fun energy, and the fact that you’re so passionate.” I was instantly overjoyed.
I can honestly say that I agree with my boyfriend and I’m happy he can see the good things in me. I put effort into living a positive life every day and I can only do this by putting me 1st! The reward and recognition you get when you take time for your soul is amazing. You can’t give to others unless you give to yourself, and putting you first doesn’t make you a bad woman – it makes you a smart one. You will have nothing to give if you burn yourself out meeting others’ needs before meeting your own.
End of day, my confidence glows. I appreciate the skin I’m in and I love me despite my imperfections. I have energy because I take time for myself. I exercise often which is a natural drug, I make time to connect with my mate and my friends, and I am committed to a job that I love. Life is exciting and the endorphins simply take over. I’m very committed to this I love, and it’s because I put myself first that I can enjoy life.
I have only had very few relationships with men that I would say are valid. I consider all the other boyfriends practice. Sorry guys. My first marriage was when I was 20. I was young, confused and I put the man first because I thought that’s how it worked. He was in the military and had many career needs. Before I knew it I had no idea who I was, or what I was doing. All I knew was that I had to make sure he was happy, that his needs were met, and that he had his way. Let’s just say when his happiness ran out, mine did too. There I was, stuck in his world, and in that moment it felt like life was over. 
Now 20 years later, and in a long-lasting healthy and vibrant relationship, I am so grateful to know who I am and how I got here. I was single for over two years after my marriage ended. During that time I stayed away from men, I focused on me, discovered what my needs were, made time to explore my womanhood and had fun. It was this turning point that led to one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever known. And even though I love my boyfriend dearly, I still, 16 years later, put me 1st. The fact is that anything can happen and if he is not around someday I have to continue to be confident, strong and comfortable standing in my own skin. So the lesson here is,”You 1st, Mate 2nd,” no matter what. 

Why Argue?

Angelism: “Tighten your tongue or you will pay the price.”

 

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a home where verbal and physical fighting was non-existent. My mom and dad created an environment for me that was safe, respectful and peaceful – the best gifts parents can give to a child. They were not perfect by any means but the “No fighting” expectation was enforced. My Dad never raised his voice and whenever my mom and I disagreed, we would walk away until dad came home to play the mediator. I’m grateful for this sense of calm and structure in my life. I rarely meet people who know how to communicate when upset. People have a need to yell, be right, justify and judge in a loud, argumentative way in order to feel better about themselves.

Arguing leads to nothing but hurt and pain for both sides. Show me someone who likes to fight and I will show you an unhappy person. People who argue often have huge egos they can’t manage. Someone who likes to fight will hang up on you, yell and scream at you regardless of who’s around, and walk away from you with a hand in the air shouting “Eff off!” In turn these fight or flight people blame you for the disagreement, immediately send you nasty emails and texts to continue the argument, and display a variety of emotions when verbally vomiting on you. This kind of person will quickly rally a “my side” troop of people to agree and justify their behavior so they don’t look crazy and so they feel better about themselves. If you have done this before, possibly numerous times, then you need to analyze why you behave so inappropriately in an argument. If you have friends or a mate like this, I wish you luck!
There are times where people get heated and passionate about something and there is no other way to express their point of view than to get loud. When you believe strongly on an issue and go the extra mile to stick up for it, then that’s respectable and appropriate. These disagreements are acceptable, however they should be few and far between. These fights should be shocking and outside your character, not common for you. If you have calm in your life and rarely argue then KUDOS to you.
Now for all my fighters out there; all of you who argue for the sake of arguing, intentionally draw attention in a disrespectful manner, or seek that need inside to be right – “Stop it!” If you are often in defense mode, I ask, “Are you truly happy?” Probably not. Get over yourself! Nobody wants to hear it so stop the aggression. Make a goal today to quit being ridiculous while wasting your precious moments constantly trying to prove your point. No need to take out your unhappiness on others.
I often hear women discussing how they got in another fight with their man. Do you ever find yourself fighting over the same topic again and again? Ladies, either you stand firm on an issue and expect a change or you surrender the need to argue about it and simply accept him for who he is. For example, do you get mad every day because each night after dinner he “forgets” to take out the trash? When he does this do you go full speed yelling at him about how you do everything and he can’t even take out the trash? What a loser! You either need to, (A) embrace the fact that your man is careless and make a change that effects him in the hopes that he will change, or (B), if you are always sacrificing for him, then take one or two things away that you know he loves. Say for example that he loves your cooking. Tell him, “I have decided I will only cook dinner on the days you take out the trash. I’m feeling resentful about your lack of participation and this will make me feel better about doing things for you.” If he gets mad, keep your cool, state your point one last time and move on. Your job is to stick to your statement. If he doesn’t take out the trash then you eat your thing and he can eat his homemade PB&J’s and Top Ramen for as long as he chooses to be unhelpful. Eventually he will miss you doing things for him. If it seems like he couldn’t care less about taking out the trash, even with his no favorite foods punishment, then know it will never change so stop arguing about it. Everything is always a give and take. You can’t expect him to change but you can change and set the expectation.
There is also plenty of fighting between friends and family. Most people have high expectations from friends and family that they are unaware of. When your emotions and feelings about situations and issues get heated all you should do is express it. Don’t fight. Express your thoughts in a loving, non-confrontational way. It is of no benefit to you, or the other person, to start a screaming match. So much more can be accomplished through calm communication. The biggest lesson is to AGREE TO DISAGREE. If we were all alike our relationships would be boring. The best way to learn, grow and change, is to recognize your differences and accept them. A good friend will stick with you regardless of your disagreements. A fake friend will not. A true friend will be honest about how they are feeling. A disconnected friend will walk away from you and never look back. As for family, just because you are related does not mean you will get along. You must talk things out and have a large window of forgiveness and understanding. Relationships are successful when you embrace and nurture them instead of slamming the door and running away.
The lesson all people should learn from this topic of fighting is: If you are surrounded by people that make you angry, disappoint you, don’t show up for you, or have negative opinions about you, then maybe the arguing is a sign of your need to disconnect yourself from them. It’s hard for a non-fighter to get along with a fighter. Some people feel more alive picking fights and creating drama, which is great for them. If that’s not you, then a friendship or relationship with that kind of person will not last. Let fighters hang with fighters so they can act ridiculous together. If you have a higher expectation for yourself, then make a goal today to fight less. When you do fight, journal it. Anytime you catch yourself getting annoyed and engaging in a discussion that is not addressing or solving an issue you must be in the moment and have full mental awareness. Ask yourself the following questions:
1) Why am I mad?
2) Why am I having the thoughts I am having?
3) When did my anger start?
4) Who started the fight?
5) Why could I not stay calm and walk away?
6) What did the other person do to get me to this point? How did I feel?
7) What did I say that I regret?
8) Is this the first time I am mad about this topic or one of the many times?
9) What are my thoughts now that I am calm about the situation?
10) Should I apologize?
11) Can I accept their apology?
12) How can I prevent this kind of fight from happening again?
13) Have things changed?
14) On a level of 1-10 (1 = no biggie, 10 = divorce) how bad was this fight?
15) Was I responsible with this fight or did I gossip with others making this person look bad?
16) Can I make a change that will make this situation better for the relationship?
These are questions you can answer and log in a journal so you can become more aware of your fighting behavior. For some of you, this topic may not be an issue. But for many, fighting is a way of life. The only way to change this is to make the change within yourself. Take ownership for your part in fights. Become aware and establish peace, quality and love in all your relationships.

Get and Keep a MAN!

Angelism: “If you desire love & a relationship but you spend your days busy with work, family & friends you will end up alone. Make flirting, dating & getting to know people a priority so you can find the soulmate that you crave.” 

Is dating a nightmare for you? Are you the bootie call girl? Have you not had sex in years because you are too scared you will take all the wrong steps and end up in another bad relationship? If yes, this BLOG is for you. The list below are the steps (in order) to help you get and keep a man. Follow this process with a man that interests you from the very beginning and I bet that you will find a relationship that will last longer than 3 months. No more being the girl that can’t keep a guy. Step up your game and make yourself a trophy worth winning and being proud of. Any man who can’t handle this process is not worth keeping. Here goes… it won’t be easy but finding a good love never is.
1) Always let the man ask for your phone number and let him call you. This is the absolute first most important thing to do. If a man is interested he will ask for your number, he will call you, and he will set up a date. Never call him first, and only call to return a phone call. When you return a phone call YOU ONLY CALL ONCE. If he doesn’t call back then move on. Don’t tell yourself stories that he may not have gotten the message. Please don’t give a man your number if you are not interested. Just as you don’t want your time wasted, don’t waste his. If you are worried no man will ever ask for your number feel free to flirt and show interest in a man to give him the hint that you are attracted to him but that’s as far as you go. If they ask for your number and a date great! If not move on and flirt with someone else. 
2) When he does call you, sound interested but not desperate. There is a difference. Responding, “It’s nice to hear from you,” is showing interest. Responding, “I’ve been wondering if you were going to call,” sounds desperate. Once a man senses you’re desperate he will become uninterested and will likely only hook up with you because he can take you for the roller coaster ride of late night bootie calls. He will show you little attention and you will want him anyway because you are needy for that attention. He knows this and it should be no surprise to you if you get treated this way. Expect more, show interest, but let him make the moves.
3) Never ask him on a date. Don’t even mention dating on the phone if you can prevent it. Talk with him and if the call ends with no date planned, that is OK. Keep him guessing. He will likely call back and schedule a date once he gets a vibe from your conversation. Again, if he is interested he will call you! Don’t be in a rush or be pushy. If he asks for you to call him, tell him you prefer that he calls you. Give him a reason to fill a need of yours and meet your expectation. Asking that he calls you is easily achievable for him and respectful to you.
4) If you do go on a date, be prepared. Know where you are going, how you should be dressed, tell a friend your location so that someone knows your whereabouts and don’t look trashy. It is OK to dress sophisticated or a little sexy but don’t show up with it all hanging out. Begging for attention by the use of your body sends the wrong message. You should have more to offer than that, like your personality, goals, accomplishments and beliefs. Think about this ladies. If you are looking for a soul mate, someone that you will spend the rest of your life with, they need to love you for your mind because your body is not going to look hot forever.
5) On a date take mental notes of things you have in common. Is this really someone you could like/ love? Are you attracted to him? Ask questions to get to know him. Make conversation interactive. It should not be all about him nor should it be all about you. The whole point of dating and courting is to get to know one another to see if this person has compatibility with you. If you feel there is nothing in common, you will be grateful you didn’t dress provocatively and give him the wrong idea. You can kindly wrap up the date and say, “Thank you for a nice evening out.” 
6) NEVER, EVER, EVER have sex with a man on the first date. This is always a bad choice and often ruins something that can be good. Of course all men want to “do it” all the time, whenever they can however they are more proud and respectful of a woman when they need to earn her love. Let him prove to you that he has what it takes for you to be intimate with him. You call the shots. Your sex is a gift that should be given a little later. A gift of trust, respect and promise that this relationship has what it takes to go to the next level. Make it important and special.
7) Always have safe sex. If you want peace of mind for the two of you, get on some form of birth control immediately. I think if you are comfortable with the birth control pill and you are dating and having sex, you should use birth control to avoid any accidents. One wild night can really screw up your path. Also, and this is the hardest one for most people, GET TESTED. I know for me, I will not sleep with a man that won ‘t get tested. I don’t want an STD. I have known too many people who have gotten the gift that keeps on giving like AIDS and Herpes. Protecting your body is your job not his. He can wrap it up in a condom and assume it will be OK but if that rubber breaks guess what girlfriend? You are screwed. What if he has had 3-5 partners since the last time he was tested? All it takes is one partner and anything is possible. Be safe. Be smart. Be responsible. Going and getting tested together within the first month can create a bond. Plus it sets a standard of pride, intimacy and monogamy in your relationship. It works, trust me. As far as I am concerned if he says, “NO,” to your request to get tested he is a high risk guy to be involved with. 
8) When you do have sex for the first time you should be comfortable enough to really let yourself go. You know that you put in the time to get to know him, he has proved his interest in you by courting you and giving you his quality attention, you confirmed that the both of you are clean and STD free and you have a plan to prevent a pregnancy scare. Now you can go for it! Let it all hang out. Think of how great that night will be if you have waited and worked on connecting first as spiritual beings not sexual beings. I can have an orgasm just thinking about that amazing moment. 
9) Once you guys are dating, committed and having sex, always communicate. Make time to get to know each other’s friends and family. Make love a goal and a priority. Always keep him guessing. Have your independence outside of him. Make your own friends, work at your personal hobbies and follow your passions that are for you, not influenced by him. This will keep him intrigued and interested in constantly getting to know you.
10) Smile and be happy, you have landed yourself a loving relationship that has a solid start!
These are steps that have proven to work for me. When I used them, I was successful in landing a good man. When I have not used them, I made a mess out of dating. I know this is hard to process, almost seems impossible. This approach takes about 4-6 weeks. Waiting 4-6 weeks before having sex is not that much time when the result of that time taken to get to know one another will lead to a high quality, safe and intimate bond. If everything you are currently doing is not working for you then try this. It does not hurt to have a goal to be responsible and respectful about dating. This way is not the only way to land a man however it’s a respectful way to approach your dating habits. It will lead you to the right kind of man for you. That’s not to say you will find love that lasts forever. No matter how hard we try we never know if love will last forever. If you find a good love, started by a strong bond such as the one you can create while practicing these behaviors, your companionship stands a better chance of lasting through the years. This list is a way to hold yourself accountable and have a higher expectation so you can weed out the losers and find the man that will step up and stand out. Good luck!

80:20 Relationship Rule

Angelism: “Always remember that LOVE should FEEL GOOD. If you are not happy the majority of the time then have the strength & the confidence to move on.”

Many people suffer from dramatic, stressful, overwhelming and dysfunctional relationships. We date, fall in love, move in with, marry, and have children with a partner that over time has more qualities that annoy us than excite us. It happens every day. How realistic is it that you can live with one person for the rest of your life? What are the chances that if you do stay with your mate, “Until death do you part,” that you truly will want to be with them 60 years later? Do women settle because 10, 20, 30+ years into a relationship they believe it would be too difficult to leave and start over? For most, it seems easier to stay and finish out a mediocre life together. Do you stand by your companion after the lies, cheating, resentment and anger takes place? How do you put your emotions into perspective? How do you know if you are genuinely upset or simply letting the little day to day annoyances add up? The best way to discover the answer to these many questions is by using my 80:20 relationship rule.
So you ask, “What is an 80:20 relationship rule?” For me it’s 80% happy and 20% challenging. This grading scale helps me to analyze the quality of my relationship. If I have to live with someone, I have to enjoy more good times than bad. I must feel like the difficulties that we face are manageable because the majority of the time our relationship is strong. Here is my simple guide to get realistic about your relationship. It may seem strange to give your couple-hood a score, however I assure you by checking in often to see where you stand, your overall well-being will benefit.
90:10
If 90% of the time or more, you feel your relationship is smooth sailing, then kudos to you, you have found something solid. I consider this to be the range of EXCELLENCE. This range is ideal. If you spend the majority of your relationship in this zone there is not much that the two of you won’t be able to conquer. This is a bond of happiness, joy, gratitude, friendship and great chemistry. Chances are this couple dates regularly, listens to one another, never goes to bed mad, and is always thinking of their partner in a positive light. Pat yourself on the back if you feel this intense about your relationship, especially after the seven year mark. If you achieved 90:10, fantastic! Keep up the good work.
80:20
If 80% of the time or more you feel that your relationship is solid, then you are in what I consider the GOOD zone. I feel that most happy and healthy relationships spend the majority of their days in this percent range. The sense of security you get from feeling that 80% of the time you are a strong couple, with the same likes, goals and expectations, makes you confident that the 20% of conflicting times will be manageable. Disagreements may take longer to resolve in this range, since frustration is usually due to stubbornness or an unwillingness to see the others point of view. This type of behavior and response to one another is likely what keeps you out of the 90% range. Be proud though, this is a zone where trust is high, infidelity has likely not happened, and chemistry is strong. The 20% of conflict that you face probably comes from day to day annoyances, lack of sleep or sex, raising children, dealing with family or managing financial struggles. In this range I encourage women to never flip out and give up on their partner. This range is safe and will get you through the tough times if you make the effort to patch the bumps in the road as they come up.
70:30
This range I consider the RED FLAG zone. If you are at 70% happy, 30% challenged in your relationship, you have bigger problems that will likely lead to more issues. When you have fallen to a 70:30 you are at risk. Something is off or not being expressed between the two of you. Maybe one or both of you are not communicating. Avoiding one another is a regular thing in this zone, date nights and fun are far and few, and fights break out regularly, often going unresolved. The relationship is no longer a priority and you are letting other things get in the way of your love and happiness. I believe that once you hit 70%, if you can’t pull out of it quickly and resolve the issue then seek a good therapist if you want to continue together. All people want happiness whether they know how to achieve it or not. When in this range couples are at risk for infidelity, lies, lack of communication and opposing opinions. Anger and resentment take over and love is lost as the years pass. If you don’t catch and recover a relationship when it enters this zone, the downward spiral will begin.
Anything under 70%, for me, is not worth saving. Would you give your child, friend or neighbor, advice to settle for only being happy 70% or less of the time? No one would promote that. It is not rewarding and will wreck your heart and soul. You must have faith at all times that you deserve the best. Good relationships are all around us and many of us are currently in one relationship but too blind and jaded to appreciate it. People would rather hold onto the resentments, baggage and victimization, allowing their walls and fears to ruin a potential loving relationship and future with a kind person.***I wrote this blog six years ago but it holds true! People don’t break up or get divorced because they are happy. It is no shock to me that the Brangelina relationship is ending. When people are not happy, they eventually move on. I wish them luck and am placing bets on how long it will be before Jenn Aniston and Brad Pitt are caught hanging out together again.

 


Don’t Sleep w/ People You Don’t Know!

Angelism: “Sex is just sex. Dating is the process of falling in love. Casual sex before dating will likely lead to no dates just booty calls. Sorry.”
When is the right time to have sex? This question has many women confused. Plenty of you are being taken advantage of by men, settling for whatever is available in the moment, and hoping it will lead to some lasting relationship. I mean it when I say, “Don’t sleep with people you don’t know!” If you are on a first date, there is no way you have a clue who this person is so keep your legs closed and your shirt on. If you make it to a second date, there is still no chance you have any idea what this man’s past looks like or what lies he may be telling you. If you land a third date, he may actually LIKE you so don’t act easy and give it up. You may think you have shown confidence and pride by holding out until the third date, however I think it’s too early to hand out a free ride. You will never convince me that after three dates you know or love a person enough to sleep with them. You can have an idea about someone but if you have sex, it’s essentially with a stranger. 
It’s a rarity that someone truly knows a partner after three months of dating. If you were unaware of this concept before now, take note that getting to know someone requires time. Quit being in such a rush. Do not give up your golden ticket, box, hoo-hoo, beaver, chi-chi, va-jay-jay or whatever you like to call it. Your love is the greatest gift you can give a man and it should not be given out to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Have some self respect and make a man earn your love. Casual sex is great if you can handle it, but many of you can’t and are looking for love and getting nothing but douche bags because you are too busy giving out FREE rides! 
This is very serious topic for me. I do not mean to come off harsh but this one-night stand, heartbreak and low self-esteem cycle women go through needs to end. Sleeping with guy after guy and going nowhere in a relationship can’t be satisfying. Many of you don’t sleep around much but still give it up immediately with the few men you date. What are you thinking? A REAL MAN likes a chase. His only goal is to earn your love. He wants to work for your attention because that is what turns him on. To do this you have to hold out on sex. You have to give him a reason to want to get to know you first. If you give him sex right away, he will either think you are easy and he won’t call you back, or he will only call you back for a booty-call. Neither of these options are going to get you a shiny diamond ring and a wedding date. Next time you are on a date remember this Angelism, “If you don’t know him, don’t sleep with him.” 
I want to clarify that I think casual sex is fine. Many people can meet once and have a sexcapade that they will remember the rest of their life. That’s great! Have one for me while you are at it. This blog is for all the women who are looking for love but making dumb, desperate, single girl mistakes. It’s not to say that people can’t fall in love and marry after sleeping together on a first date. Crazier things have happened. I speak from experience when I say, “Let the man have an opportunity to hunt you down. Make him want you, be curious about you, be into you, like you, listen to you and fall madly in love with you.” After all, this is the best part of a relationship. It’s after the dating sex and the, “I do,” that the real work begins. Enjoy the chase, expect it, and promise me, “You will not sleep with people you don’t know!”