Angelism: “The quickest way to ruin a relationship is to cheat. Love doesn’t last long when there is no trust.”
My boyfriend and I have very different viewpoints on cheating and who is to blame. Cheating has never been an issue between us since we have both been faithful, at least to my knowledge, but the challenge is we think differently about who takes the heat for infidelity. So who do you point the finger at when your mate turns to another person for sex and intimacy?
I feel that a relationship is between two people, the two that made the commitment to each-other. The person who needs to stay strong and be true to me is the one who vows to do so. I need to be faithful in return. When a third party gets involved, I expect that my mate will be responsible for fighting off any urges to stray in order to remain monogamous to me. If my man cheats on me with a person at his work, a bartender, a stripper, or a friend of a friend who I have never met, do I blame him, her, or both? This is tough question to answer because there are many different opinions. I happen to feel that the person responsible would be my man, and my man feels that both people are to blame.
It seems in society that people like to put the blame on the third party equally when the one they should really have frustration and disappointment with is their mate who shattered the trust. I agree that the third party who gets involved with a spoken for person has done something irresponsible, but it happens, and people cheat everyday and don’t feel guilty about it. If they truly felt guilt they wouldn’t do it. If a stranger has the hots for your man, knows he is taken, but wants to get naked with him anyway, who are you to think she should hold back? What can you really expect from a stranger? Does this make her a bad person, or a human acting on impulse and living in the moment? If I sleep with a waiter while on a girls only vacation, the waiter is not to blame, I am.
The divorce rate in this country is over 50%. People are obviously cheating often, don’t think you are exempt. The sooner you accept this as a possibility, the less painful it will be if you are faced with it. I have family members and friends who have cheated and I don’t think they are evil, I think they are human. It takes a strong, happy, committed, loving, honest and respectful relationship, to stay totally true and faithful for decade after decade. That kind of commitment requires you to stop your hormones and desires every time they stray to thoughts of, “What if?” You have to be excited about going home to the same lover every day of your life and reinvent yourself over and over again so you don’t get bored. You have to be a person of so much integrity and faith that when and if you have desires to be involved with someone outside of your relationship, you choose not to act on it and instead go home to your partner and work it out. Realistically, how many people actually fall into this highly honorable category? A 100% true relationship requires a lot of work and willpower to avoid every temptation along the way for years and years.
Although I say I would only blame the lover that actually cheated on me, I have one exception to that rule. This is what confuses my boyfriend. I told him if he ever cheated on me with a dear friend, I would blame them both. The way I see it is anyone who I know and love, who has a commitment to me to respect and be loyal to me, should not engage in this kind of promiscuous behavior behind my back. So yes, be pissed if your best friend sleeps with your man. I say disown them both for betraying your trust. However, if he hooks up with a bartender, then it’s not her fault. There are many people in this world who have no real feelings. They sleep with someone without any regard for the other person. Many of them don’t even know there is another person to be concerned about. You can blame this third party person all you want but the fact is, if they cared they would not have done it. The person who was supposed to care, have your back and honor you no matter what, is your partner. When your mate sleeps with another person with no regard or respect for how it will make you feel, that is the enemy, that is who you blame.
My boyfriend feels both people are to blame so we agree to disagree. I get what he is saying to a certain extent. I don’t think women or men should encourage, or put effort towards having sex with married/ committed people unless both parties agree it’s OK. I think passing the buck to the third party is a way of blaming someone other than the love of your life for ruining your relationship. I admire that my man cared enough about this topic to have a conversation about it. I’m also grateful that our differences of opinion didn’t get in the way of us having sex later that day. It amazes me that after almost 13 years together we can still challenge each other’s thoughts like this and be mature about it.
What do you think about cheating? For me, anyone who gives into cheating is not a person of enough integrity and respect for me to be with, or waste my time being mad at. I would cut the ties, forgive, never forget, and walk away knowing I did nothing wrong. When someone cheats, everything is lost; faith, trust, hope, love, and a future of comfort and commitment. You feel a pain that is unexplainable and in a moments time all you thought you had, the love you feel existed all those years, is over. Having full trust again of the person who strayed is impossible. The unfaithfulness will haunt you if you stay. In my opinion, someone who cheats doesn’t deserve your love, move on.
2 Replies to “Cheating… Who is to Blame?”
I really do agree with what you are saying..but i was in a very different situation. I spent a whole pregnancy alone when my man should have been home with me. instead he was out with his boys every night. There is no doubt that he was in fact with them..i could just open the door to the apartment to see that. he would later tell me that he was always out with them because he was scared about what was about to happen to us..the baby..so he chilled with his boys to de-stress and not put the burdens of his thoughts on me. but i was scared too.. I felt like we should have been scared together…got threw it together.while he de-stressed and relaxed his mind with his boys, i had to be alone at home with my thoughts and my feelings almost everyday. After our son was born, he was still doing the same thing..leaving me alone to care for our son. I started talking to an ex-boyfriend of mine, just for comfort and someone to talk to me and make me feel good about myself.Since my baby's father was just not around for me in that sense. We then started seeing each other and i cheated on my son's father. A few months later the matriarch of my family, my grandmother passed away suddenly. It was devastating. I felt like my baby's father just wasn't that supportive and comforting…at that time he found out that i was seeing my Ex. he still wanted to try and work things out but i felt like he fucked up. He asked me why i didn't just break up with him and then start seeing my ex. I told him that we have a son and i had that small thin string still tugging at my heart that he would change and we could be a family. He was right though. I do not regret seeing my ex boyfriend…but i do think that maybe i should have just cut it off with my baby's father first. That is all i take fault for. I was soo in love with my baby's father..i did everything for him, cooked cleaned took care of our son took care of him. And yet I've never felt so abandoned in my life. If he was there for me through that difficult journey of pregnancy and being a new mother my eyes would have never even wandered. What are your thoughts?
I think your man started cheating on you when he chose the boys over you. That too is cheating. When you choose to be with and put energy into others rather than the relationship that is cheating in my book. It may not be physical, but it's emotional and both are bad. Not all of us are cut out for the highs and lows a relationship brings. Life is tough! It is easier to give up and take the easy way out for attention, rather than be honest and put in the hard work. Each relationship is unique. In my eyes cheating is never OK, honesty is the best policy. If it's time to break up, move on before cheating. Keeping secrets and omitting the truth never feels good, I don't care how much you try and rationalize it or convince yourself that it's OK. I understand why the cheating mistake is made so easily so often because a person can only take so much pain and neglect. I get it! However I think how great is it to hold yourself to a higher standard of living and just come clean before doing something you will regret.